Domestic abuse?

[SereneUmberBiscuit]

My husband told me to fuck off and die a few days ago because I questioned the way he wanted to measure up for a new loo and sink. It's not the first time this has happened and he's been verbally and physically abusive in the past. However, a lot of the time he's loving and giving and I do love him very much. Not sure what to do and would be grateful for any advice.

He would only tell me to FOAD once. As he has previously been physically and verbally abusive, I would take this latest episode as your cue to leave.

Yep, time to go. Avoid the situation escalating

Yep, time to go. Avoid the situation escalating

You're not happy in your relationship, your gut tells you it isn't right- that is why you came here. You want reassurance that you are overreacting, that you aren't crazy and that it is the right thing tk leave.
It is the right thing to leave.
You're not happy, no.oje show every physically or emotionally abuse you.
Start with the basics- comtact your lova DA charity, they will support you amazingly.
Get copies of everything financial, pack an overnight bag and leave it as an emergency bag at a trustworthy friend's house. See a solicitor,.some do the first hour free- knowledge is power.
Depending on your advice and what is best for you, get you escape plan in place- have the flat rented, move in with family, get yhat plan ready and then when it is ready action move half of everything out of the house, and once you're away and safe let him know you want a divorce.
If you have children there are additional things I would advise.
Wishing you all the luck in the world, you'll look back on day and ve so happy you overcame this hurdle.

When you're in that situation the verbal abuse doesn't seem like that big a deal, you sort of explain it away. It's very common to do this because you almost feel a bit daft reporting some words.

However it is a big deal, and often it's just the beginning and it does escalate, by that point you've already explained away the threats, so it's easier to explain away a push or a slap, then by the time you've got used to 'just' one push or slap it's 2, then 3.

That's how these men get away with it, it's a slow build up and they groom you to get used to it.

Can you give us an example of the physical abuse if you're comfortable with that.

If not I suggest calling WA when it's safe to do so and explaining the whole situation to them, they are experts and can guide you through anything you need help with.

If he's been verbally and physically abusive then you should leave - no ifs or buts, it doesn't matter how nice he is at other times. He doesn't love you - if he did he wouldn't tell you to fuck off and die. Don't stay and put up with his abusive behaviour. You are worth more than that.

Thanks all for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate your advice. The last time my partner was physically abusive was almost two years ago. He pushed me onto the kitchen tiles and left me with heavy bruising from hip to knee and a broken finger (I have photos - didn't take any of previous assaults). Nothing physical since then, athough he was so incandescent with rage last year, I called the police because I was afraid he was going to hurt me again. The thing is, I don't feel as though this is escalating. The times he is abusive are few and far between. And as I said before, he's loving and caring in between. I'm thinking maybe counselling might help?

Counselling is not going to help.

This man is violent and abusive and he isn't going to change, ever.

You will never, ever be safe with him. He's a nasty piece of work and being 'loving and caring' in between bouts of violence and intimidation means fuck all. You need to end this relationship.

This. You are always going to live in fear of him flipping.

Counselling would help. A big heavy book of counselling and hit him over the head with it while he sleeps.

100% this.
His behaviour is not okay. You don't feel safe, that is never okay and is not a safe, healthy, loving relationship.
You're making excuses for his behaviour. Write yourself a list of all tve times you have been scared of him in your relationship. Then wait 24 hours and read it as if a friend explained it- no way you would find it acceptable for a friend, so why are you accepting it for yourself? Women in general, me included, need to remember that we are given a person to look after- to support, to be kind to, to praise, to build up- and that person is ourselves. Instead we are taught to give, give, give at our own expense and make excuses for other treating us badly and then give them some more. You deserve better counselling won't fix this. If he thought there was a problem he would have done solo counselling years ago to better himself for himself, abd to keep the amazing partner he has. He didn't, becayse he doesn't want to and thinks he isn't the problem..