Am I mad to consider living with ILs?

[Crawse]

I saw my mother in law for a coffee last week. And we got chatting about a property she had seen online. A Georgian rectory straight out of Pride and Prejudice. It has planning permission to convert the stables into a sizeable 3 bed property. She got a quote from a family member who builds homes for a living and the finances make sense. Even though ILs would be putting in more money they’d give dh and I (plus our two young children) the main house.

We’ve viewed the property and it’s stunning. It’s been gutted by a local builder. The builders wife (picked material and finishings) has serious taste. It’s more beautiful than anything I could achieve. Builder’s wife was once an interior designer

I do fear how close we would be. The barn and property sort of form an L shape with entrances on opposite sides so there is a bit of separation.

MIL is a very involved grandmother and helps with the kids and dogs. It seems a bit intense. DH is an only child.

Am I bonkers for considering this

What would the living arrangements be while the conversion was being done? All of you in the main house? Could you deal with that?

You'd need watertight arrangements regarding the ownership of the land. What would happen if you/dh got a job somewhere else and had to relocate; or heavens forbid, if you and dh split up?

If they became infirm in later life would you be expected to help look after them?

Do it! Sounds amazing. If he wasn’t an only child I’d have reservations, a lovely way for the children to grow up

I think as long as you have a very clear conversation about what you expect the boundaries to be - how often they expect to come round, whether they’ll have keys to your place they can use as they wish or will wait for in invitation to visit before walking into your family home (obviously they’ll have keys for emergencies etc), how much time they want to spend with grandchildren, how bills would be split, use of shared garden space/facities etc

Provided you have those conversations and you’re on the same page, you’re sensible to consider it but if there’s any remote difference of opinion on those things now, don’t do it as they will amplify over time and cause massive issues once you’re financially tied together

Well, nothing on this planet would make me consider this with my PIL, but if yours are lovely it sounds like an amazing house. Would be worth future proofing it though - what happens if one of you wants to move? What if PIL need care? What are the local schools like?

After doing similar with my MIL and it all going tits up I would say no to anyone who asked. Would have never seen it coming when we went into the arrangement but after I had my first baby and she wasn't allowed to have her sleep in her bed (!) MIL lost it and wouldn't speak to us for a few months before rampages of crazy behaviour and in the end we had to sell up and financially separate which set us back years financially- we ended up giving her far more money then was hers as she couldn't afford much of a mortgage and property prices went wild in the time we co-owned a place.

What is it for them but for the proximity to you and family? They won't reside in the beautiful house but the annexe and will be paying more into it. Of course there has to be something for them.

So yes, I'd say if you agree, expect them to want to be much present. If you are not prepared fir it and are considering agreeing just because you want the house, don't do it.

I enjoy spending time with my MIL. We will spend time together with the kids without my dh. FIL is a bit of a lover type. Nice guy but likes to tinker in his workshop and build things. MIL is not an interfering type. She always defers to me and follows my wishes. But to say I never find them ever so slightly annoying in certain situations would be a lie. But nothing massively serious. We’ve never had an outright argument.

Only you can make this decision based on your experiences with them and how your DH is with them. For me it would’ve a hard no. My in laws despise me and I am no contact with them.
even for those having a good relationship it is a massive commitment. That being said, I do know of people who have made it work. Incidentally all are only children and have a very close - read intense - relationship with parents.