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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I just need to chat about this

31 replies

Apologynotaccepted · 22/02/2026 15:28

Name changed but long term poster
Right, apologies if this long..

3 years ago I had a falling out with a friend. She had a long term mental health issue that I had supported her with over many years (20) she had lived with me at one point, her family were very grateful of the time I had looked after her etc etc
3 years ago, I had 3 life altering things happen to me in the space of 8 weeks which resulted in me having a breakdown. I considered suicide twice and was nearly hospitalised for my own safety (there wasn't a bed so I paid privately for intensive therapy)
I was in a state of near catatonia for some of it. I was then prescribed medication which gave me psychotic hallucinations and then I was hospitalised briefly.
During this time my lifelong friend just stopped talking to me, and was actually nasty , came to my house the day of a very close bereavement (one of the life altering events) and told me I wasn't a good friend etc
It was all unbelievable. Fast forward 2 years and much therapy and help and I am now mostly recovered. I wrote a letter to friend wholeheartedly apologising for being unwell and for the fact that our relationship had suffered. She didn't respond at all. 6 months ago we were at a mutual friends wedding and she literally ignored me. Wouldn't come near me, wouldn't make eye contact etc.
I have let it go for the most part but occasionally (like today) it niggles.
Anyone had a similar experience?
I don't need it rethinking or suggestions of how to reach out more or solutions, this is a hand hold thread if poss please.
Grateful for any uplifting ways to reframe it!

OP posts:
therandomUN · 22/02/2026 17:20

I am so sorry, that sounds really tough. I have had a similar experience with a “friend” - we lived and worked together for about 5 years and then when I moved away she all but ghosted me. It really hurt for about a year and still does tbh.

youalright · 22/02/2026 17:23

Its hard i struggle with serious mental illness and I really can't be around other mentally ill people it makes me so much worse its such a trigger. Is it selfish maybe but i have had to cut of relationships for this exact reason. I don't think i would be alive if I didn't

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 22/02/2026 18:06

About 20 years ago, when I was in my early 20s, a friend lent me a not insignificant amount of money. DP had just had a baby that neither of us knew was coming until she went into labour, and financially I was floundering. My friend was literally my saviour.

I paid him back, and then 3 years later when I was struggling again, he lent me the money again. And again, I paid him back.

10 years later, he got a divorce and was struggling himself so asked me to lend him a similar amount. The problem was I couldn't afford to. He took it on the chin, and that should have been that. Except that I couldn't deal with the fact that I couldn't do for him what he'd done for me, and so I retreated from the friendship. It was a really shitty thing to do, and I still feel bad about it now even though we repaired the friendship years ago.

Obviously in your case @Apologynotaccepted we're talking about support rather than money, but I'm wondering if it's not a similar situation. You offered her support when she needed it, and when it came time for you to need the support, she wasn't well enough to offer it, and so retreated from the friendship out of shame.

I'm not saying you should forgive her, just that it might help you to know that it may not have been about you. She didn't ditch you because you disliked you, but because she disliked herself and couldn't cope with that.

Original poster
Apologynotaccepted · 22/02/2026 18:21

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 22/02/2026 18:06

About 20 years ago, when I was in my early 20s, a friend lent me a not insignificant amount of money. DP had just had a baby that neither of us knew was coming until she went into labour, and financially I was floundering. My friend was literally my saviour.

I paid him back, and then 3 years later when I was struggling again, he lent me the money again. And again, I paid him back.

10 years later, he got a divorce and was struggling himself so asked me to lend him a similar amount. The problem was I couldn't afford to. He took it on the chin, and that should have been that. Except that I couldn't deal with the fact that I couldn't do for him what he'd done for me, and so I retreated from the friendship. It was a really shitty thing to do, and I still feel bad about it now even though we repaired the friendship years ago.

Obviously in your case @Apologynotaccepted we're talking about support rather than money, but I'm wondering if it's not a similar situation. You offered her support when she needed it, and when it came time for you to need the support, she wasn't well enough to offer it, and so retreated from the friendship out of shame.

I'm not saying you should forgive her, just that it might help you to know that it may not have been about you. She didn't ditch you because you disliked you, but because she disliked herself and couldn't cope with that.

Mine wasn't like this, she was actively nasty to me unfortunately rather than struggling to.manage herself etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Apologynotaccepted · 22/02/2026 18:22

I take the point about managing your own mental health as I now have to do that very closely. I still manage to support my friends though including some going through awful things as we talk about it and support each other .

OP posts:
looselegs · 22/02/2026 18:36

Walk away.....
The problem is hers, not yours.

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