Oldest friend now not coming to wedding

[Homemum1]

I have a very small group of what I would call close friends. All my close friends have other groups of friends and which are their best friends, I wouldn’t say I have a best friend (sad, I know) - I don’t have anyone to call a bridesmaid or plan a hen.

I am getting married this year and we’ve decided for a very small day - around 40 people, all the save the dates went over a year before the wedding date and everyone booked it in.

We have just sent out the final invites and now one of my closest friends said they can’t make it as her best friend is now celebrating a big birthday. I brushed it off when she said she couldn’t make it but I actually feel a bit disappointed that even though our date was in the diary first that she’s chosen the birthday over a wedding. I feel like the person whose birthday it is would understand that a wedding is a one day only type thing and the birthday can be celebrated a few times if she can’t make the big party.

In my head I feel like this has probably put an end on trying to keep this friendship going, but it’s making me sad how little I feel valued.

I don’t really know where to go from here, I was already dreading the big day but now I just feel even worse that I don’t have many friends to celebrate with.

That is really disappointing. And I suppose the way you’ve taken it is the only way you can, she’s made her prioritisation. I think I would be tempted to say something gentle but along the lines of ‘I’m really disappointed that you can’t be there particularly as we gave everyone such advanced notice of our wedding’. But at the end of the day I suppose she’s made a choice. I would also be stepping back from the relationship.

I'm sorry that someone you considered a close friend hasn't chosen you.

Theres nothing you can do to make ot hurt any less, and youre probably right thats the end of the friendship, or at the very least thats the end of the effort you expend for that friendship.

Don't be disheartened; the people that matter will be there. And the people that identify themselves as not valuing you; well they will make them selves known so you know who they are and can act accordingly.

Dont give them any more headspace; they dont deserve your time or your peace; concentrate on making it the day you want it to be.

Good luck

I would feel very upset too OP. I feel that a wedding should be prioritised above a birthday. I wouldn't end the friendship over this but I would feel sad about it.

Just a line to say I also think you have every right to be sad.

Decide now that she is no longer your friend. OK anyone can decline an invitation for any reason, but in this case I think your "friend" was horrible to actually say she was declining in favour of another's birthday. She could have left that bit out completely. If she had been a bit more diplomatic about her reason for not going I doubt you would have minded as much. Awful person.

Not nice, and TBH now you know exactly what she's like, and your life will be far better without her going forward.

Congrats on the wedding, hope you have a super day!

Agree that it's totally justified to feel sad about this. I would be stepping back from putting effort into this friendship. Sounds like you've come to be seen as an easy-going type who will accept it if people don't put them first - but a wedding is different and I think saying something like @OneOfEachPlease suggested would be perfectly reasonable.

Don't feel bad about your day - it sounds lovely and the most important people in any case are you and your fiance, but you'll have an intimate group of people around you who really want to be there.

Yes, they do not see you as a close friend.

A friend of mine (met through another friend) chose my hen night over another friend's big birthday. She told me that you have lots of birthdays but hopefully only one hen night. I was very touched.

A wedding in the diary should trump a birthday party. It would for me.

I would struggle to continue the friendship in this situation. Normally, if you have a diary clash, the etiquette would be to accept the invitation you received first. Therefore it would be your save the date.

The only exception would be, it you had received a party invite and then received a wedding invitation you could say as it’s a wedding it is more important to attend that event. You couldn’t say a party is more important than a wedding.

I think it is so rude to behave this way and I’m really sorry you’re going through this.

Also, I know you’ve said about having a small friendship group, could you arrange to go out for drinks or lunch or afternoon tea as a kind of low key hen do? You could say I’m really not wanting a lot of fuss but it would be so nice to celebrate with the girls before my big day. If they don’t all know each other it’ll give them chance to meet before the wedding. Focus on the friends who are worth your time!

You’re bound to be disappointed but things like this happen. One of my best friends couldn’t come to my wedding because unbeknown to me, the day before the save the dates went out, she booked a once in a lifetime holiday on the same dates. It was a shame but one of those things.

If she got the save the date before the birthday invite, as far as I’m concerned the first invite trumps the latter and she should be coming.

Good manners would dictate that once an invitation is accepted, you should attend the event, so she is being a bit rude, but you did say that the birthday party is for her best friend, so I'd cut her a bit of slack, and just not invest too much in the friendship unless it's reciprocated, going forwards.
There's a cost element to a lot of weddings, which might have influenced the decision depending on her circumstances e.g. stay in a hotel, childcare, new outfit... Please don't take it personally, it is really unusual for any wedding to have 100% attendance, even for people really close to the couple. Some lucky people have all their friends around them, but most don't. I'm sure the day itself will be lovely.

She’s not a nice person. I’m sorry that this is the way that you had to find that out, though.

You’ve every right to feel sad about it and I’d feel the same way.

I hope you have a beautiful wedding, though! In my experience, smaller and more intimate weddings are the best type. It’s a real shame for her that she’ll miss out on it.

Hmm she may be your oldest friend but she perhaps considers this other friend her best friend, so has rightfully chosen to attend her best friends birthday?

Why are you dreading the big day?
Dont let one person absence spoil it.

Why on earth are you dreading your wedding day? Seriously, it's supposed to be about you and your partner committing to each other. Sod anyone who can't make it for a flaky reason.

I'd consider that friendship over. This is your WEDDING. Birthdays happen every year. I'd be inclined to be honest about it too, tell her that you're disappointed that she's chosen a yearly event over your wedding day, and that it's speaks volumes of your "friendship."

Your day will be better surrounded by people who value you.

This. But I would reach out and take the high road and say really gutted you can’t be there - can we celebrate with you and your DP (if she has one) after as the 3/4 of us. Won’t be the same without you there but I support your decision to go to x’s birthday instead of our wedding and there no bad feeling x