Husband did cocaine

[whatamess3]

Marriage has been a bit on the rocks recently, generally just caused by money issues etc. We have been together 15 years. There has been a long running issue regarding nights out, they don’t happen very often maybe only twice a year but every single time DH goes out with friends he gets absolutely paralytic, think wetting himself, being sick everywhere etc. After we had the DC I put my foot down and said that if he wanted to go on the nights out he either needed to stay at a mates house or drive so he couldn’t drink. That didn’t really work as it then turned in to him getting picked up by the police as he didn’t know where he was. I then said it was our marriage or nights out because I honestly didn’t know what to do anymore. This caused arguments as he said I was trying to control him.
However because it was only once or twice a year the arguments were rare.

He’s recently met a new group of mates and has been going out a little more, not always drinking sessions though, mainly just to watch the football at the pub on afternoons which was absolutely fine. He told me that he had a night out at a friends house booked in this weekend but he wasn’t able to stay over so I begged him not to drink too much and to tell me what time he would be home so I wasn’t worrying. Surprisingly it actually turned out out fine, he was back later than he said but got himself straight to bed and there seemed to be no issue.

In the morning I just had a gut feeling that something was off. He seemed more worse for wear than normal and just not himself. I’m not proud of it but I looked at his phone and saw messages to the mate he was with talking about how rough they felt after taking cocaine! I confronted him and we’ve had a huge row. He’s very apologetic but also seems to think it’s no big deal and it won’t happen again. I’m bloody fuming as drugs is just something I won’t tolerate especially when we have young DC at home, anything could have happened to him!

DH also has a really addictive personality and this worry’s me because what if he wants to do it again! Now I’m not sure if I’m over reacting because I read a lot in the news etc about cocaine being something many people do on nights out now or to relax but I just don’t feel comfortable about it.

Unless he realises it is a problem, nothing will change and it will gradually get worse and worse imo.

I think you might need to do something dramatic in the short term so he understands how big an issue it is. Could you consider a temporary separation while he works on himself?

He can’t associate with those people anymore, i would tell him this as they are the gateway to doing cocaine especially with an addictive personality. It will end up full blown addiction, cocaine is usually mixed with a lot of other drugs as well like pills & mdma these days.

Tbh, getting repeatedly so drunk that he pisses himself would have been a deal breaker for me, even before the coke. 🤮 Why do women have such low standards?

@WeepingAngelInTheTardisI have said this to him but he says it wasn’t to do with them and so he still wants to see them. I should probably mention that he is on the spectrum and he becomes very obsessed when he meets new friends, it becomes all he cares about.

The alcohol and drug abuse may be because he uses these to lose his inhibitions and fit in socially. Is he actually diagnosed? What support does he have in place to manage his neurodivergence? Because if he has nothing/ doesn't accept he does it to manage/ doesn't accept support for his neurodivergence, then the obsession will continue to feed dependency. How old are your dc?

Couldn’t have a relationship with someone like this. Raise your bar OP.

Well of course he will do it again. Your choice now

If hes never done it before and suddenly doing it with these friends they are the problem.
i would tell him if he touches it again he will be out on the streets and being divorced immediately.

This sounds very suffocating for both of you really. Telling a man that he can’t go on nights out or he’ll lose his marriage, going through his phone etc is obviously controlling. However, I can see how it’s been pushed to this point because he clearly doesn’t know how to go out and have a good time without getting himself into a wreck. Cocaine is absolutely everywhere and if you see a group of men out drinking you can bet at least one of them is on it.

It’s frankly absurd that he can’t just figure it the fuck out and do better for the sake of his marriage.

So I think you both need to cool off and then you need to chat with him and say at its core, you’re not trying to control him you’re not a controlling person and you want him to have fun and have friends (give some evidence) but the crux of what you need from
your husband and child’s father is to feel safe, and all of this makes you feel deeply unsafe - the drugs. The not doing what he will say, him being in a dangerous unfit vulnerable state. Feeling that harm could come to him or the children is a traumatic way to live. He may think this is silly but the reality is that this is how it makes you feel.

He won’t be on the streets though will he it’s the marital home he has as much right to live in it as she does.

Yes it’s deeply unattractive

I feel really sorry for you op. But he will do it again. So which is worse for you, splitting up or going through what you are goin through now?

If you already have kids and he’s not screwed the nut and grown up he never will. If I had my time again I’d put him out now and save yourself years of grief. Absolute manchild

You’ve kept him after every incident, had kids with him, he’s got no reason to change. He’s not going to, he’s just finding ways to get round your rules.

You have to decide if you can stay or not.

Please don’t let him drive for a few days either as he is likely going to be over the drug drive limit.

Kick him out and start again. How can you raise children safely with this absolute wanker as a father?

You told him that it was your marriage or the partying, OP. Not only has he ignored that, he has escalated it.

Was it an empty threat? If it was, then you are only displaying to him that you should not be taken at your word. And why would someone as selfish as he is pay any attention to that.

You’re showing him that forgiveness is easy and always granted.

Time to think of your poor children. Can you even imagine growing up with a coke-head father who paralytically wets himself when drinking? Do not keep your children in his environment.