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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS first girlfriend

18 replies

Levithecat · 22/02/2026 04:11

It’s only been five days but it has taken over his life and he’s only 12 (13 this year) 🫤
Now staying in his room on video calls or messaging, going to see her, not making an effort to see friends, being more sassy and grumpy at home and refusing my offer of things like a family movie evening. I know it’s also hormones, plus he doesn’t always have it easy (single parent household, high needs ASD little brother, so he’s often fending for himself)…
So far I’ve left him to it. In some ways it’s nice to hear him chatting and giggling away and connecting with someone, and he’s clearly incredibly excited about this new world!

I’m thinking about sitting down with him in the morning and setting some boundaries, eg take his phone away more (doesn’t have it at night), saying he can only spend x amount of time on calls, can’t meet her every day and must participate in family things. His brother doesn’t understand why he isn’t playing with him anymore. Though I need to expect that more now he’s nearly a teen.

On the flip side - surely it’ll be over soon and maybe this will all be valuable learning for him… I would have rallied against any restrictions at that age, and I don’t know how helpful forcing him to join in things like a family movie night would
be.

yanbu - intervene more
yabu - leave them to it

OP posts:
DarkForces · 22/02/2026 04:17

Honestly, I'd leave him to it as long as he was in bed by a reasonable hour and getting school work done. I'd remind him not to neglect his friends but trying to make him join family activities rather than chat to his girlfriend is just going to lead to tension and resentment. He's not there to entertain his little brother and if you force things it won't help. I wouldn't accept rudeness though. Warning then consequences for that.

BananaMilkshake77 · 22/02/2026 04:24

Leave him to it at this stage. I don't see anything wrong with what you have said , it's been five days!!!!

You will push him away telling him he can only talk for x amount of time, this won't make him want to watch a movie with you or play !

ThatFairy · 22/02/2026 05:04

I don't think there's anything you can do to alter his feelings/ experience with this girl. One thing I did was started the ongoing discussion about relationships and sex- I believe yes even at this young age- it means he will be comfortable talking about with you as he gets older- they grow up so fast at this age. What are your thoughts on it ?

pilates · 22/02/2026 05:10

Yeah leave him to it. It will probably be over in a couple of weeks. Just make sure phone is out of an evening.

Catza · 22/02/2026 06:34

The only circumstances under which he "must" participate in family things if those things are happening outside the house for long enough so that he can't be left at home alone (i.e. holiday or overnight stay). Every other home-based family activity, he surely needs to have freedom to make a choice...on the account of him being human with capacity to make decisions. Family activities are supposed to be bonding and fun. There is no bonding or fun happening if he is watching a film under duress.
Have a conversation about boundaries and safety in relationships. That's far more important than forcing stricter boundaries for the sake of it.

JennyWrenSeven · 22/02/2026 06:54

He’ll want to spend even less time with you if you try and restrict call time and dictate when he can see her. You’ve said yourself that you would have ‘rallied against any restrictions at that age’!

Agree with an earlier post, a chat about boundaries is the way forward.

APinkAndSpottyGiraffey · 22/02/2026 07:52

Honestly, at his age… it’s likely to be over in another 5 days. I agree with previous posters, he’s growing up and won’t want ‘family time’ as much, forcing him will push him away.

Original poster
Levithecat · 22/02/2026 08:06

Thank you so much, it’s a relief it’s unanimous - this feels very new to me and I’m not ready, so definitely needed some guidance!
yes we do talk openly about relationships, sex etc - no worries there.

OP posts:
DarkForces · 22/02/2026 08:13

Dd is also in her first serious relationship but he's here all the time. It's been a few months and my advice is To enjoy the laughter, don't make it a big deal, get ready to support them at the end. Keep the lines of communication open and let them know that you'll support them if they choose to end it. If you feel they're being treated badly challenge it gently by questioning: e.g. what would you tell a friend to do? Hopefully it'll be fun and go out with a whimper, not a bang!

ThatNattyPlayer · 22/02/2026 08:15

It’s all very dramatic when they are pre teens, my daughter is 13 and some of her friends have “boyfriends” it’s usually over as soon as it starts
They seem to get overwhelmed with feelings then they don’t like each other a week later
my daughter isn’t interested yet but she’s at the stage of moody, sitting in her room, doesn’t want to participate; I read a book that said not to push them and just be there if they need you

Isit2026yet · 22/02/2026 08:18

@Levithecat let them get on with it. And try and give him a bit more attention instead of jumping to restriction. It's hard enough being the older child to a sibling with ASD who eats all the attention. And don't force him to spend time with sibling if he doesn't want to.

Hedgehogsaremything · 22/02/2026 08:19

Yes, do leave him to it. BUT I would ring fence some time with him too from the start. I didn’t do this when my DS started seeing someone. Three years later and they still see each other every Friday and Saturday evening and after school each day. It really cuts into the time he spends with family. Also, my DS has always spent so much time at her house - I wish I’d insisted on some balance. Not sure I’d have got very far but we’re so far into this being the “way it is” that I don’t feel like I can reclaim it. And he’s 17 now.

Rocknrollstar · 22/02/2026 08:22

DS said the best advice I ever gave him was not to lose his friends when he got his first girlfriend. I told him he should still play football, go to the cinema with them etc. I think we had the rule that one night of the weekend was for her and one night for friends. Also they were both studying and so only called each other after 9.00 pm

DarkForces · 22/02/2026 08:26

Hedgehogsaremything · 22/02/2026 08:19

Yes, do leave him to it. BUT I would ring fence some time with him too from the start. I didn’t do this when my DS started seeing someone. Three years later and they still see each other every Friday and Saturday evening and after school each day. It really cuts into the time he spends with family. Also, my DS has always spent so much time at her house - I wish I’d insisted on some balance. Not sure I’d have got very far but we’re so far into this being the “way it is” that I don’t feel like I can reclaim it. And he’s 17 now.

Surely being out at the weekend iat 17 is completely normal? You can't ring fence the best nights of the week for family activities and expect to have a good relationship. Let's be honest your friends and girlfriends are much more fun than your family once you hit puberty!

CinnamonBuns67 · 22/02/2026 09:33

I'd have a chat with him about the importance of having a healthy balance in his life but otherwise I'd leave him to it, if you try being restrictive he'll only do it more and become secretive about it, that's what I did as a teen.

Endofyear · 22/02/2026 09:33

It's only been 5 days! At his age, these things are often intense but burn themselves out quickly. Keep an eye on it and encourage him to make time for his friends too. Don't allow rudeness and stroppiness, that should have consequences for him whether he's got a girlfriend or not. Invite her over and get to know her if the relationship continues.

JennyWrenSeven · 22/02/2026 10:07

Levithecat · 22/02/2026 08:06

Thank you so much, it’s a relief it’s unanimous - this feels very new to me and I’m not ready, so definitely needed some guidance!
yes we do talk openly about relationships, sex etc - no worries there.

Sounds like you have a great relationship with him, so keep those doors open and keep on being there for advice and support.

It is hard when these relationships start. DS is 19 now and we’ve navigated a lot. I always kept the line of communication open though, and I’m thankful that he knows he can still come to me for advice, even though some things I don’t necessarily want to hear 🤣

Hedgehogsaremything · 22/02/2026 14:05

DarkForces · 22/02/2026 08:26

Surely being out at the weekend iat 17 is completely normal? You can't ring fence the best nights of the week for family activities and expect to have a good relationship. Let's be honest your friends and girlfriends are much more fun than your family once you hit puberty!

Show quote history

But he’s not out out, he’s at her house, every Friday and Saturday, very rarely ours. They don’t spend much time here at all.

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