DGD ran away to nana house

[Grumpynan]

I’ve posted this in AIBU because I didn’t know where to post it,

my 8yr old DGD ran away from home today, she had a row with her sister and DS sent them both to their rooms which DGD didn’t think was fair, so she slipped out and came to me,

I live about 15 minutes walk away and as I have the DGC 3 days a week after school she knows the way blind fold.

DIL and DS found her missing about 5 minutes or so after she had been sent to her room, but of course by the time they had checked round the house the garden it was a good 10 minutes so she was almost half way to me, though of course done of us knew this, they instantly started phoning round for help. DH went straight out to search for her. I have mobility issues so has to stay home.

she had been gone for about 1/2 hour now and the panic was in I was about to book a taxi to take me to my sons house when the back door opened and a tearful little girl throw herself at me.

I don’t think I have ever been so relieved. Lots of cuddles and a heart to heart with nana and she’s fine, and I can honestly say I don’t think she will be running away again. The heavens had opened and she got soaked, and she fell over and the car was gone she thought I was out all very traumatic when you’re 8.

its all ended well, but has brought home to us all how easy things can change, how a quiet Saturday afternoon can turn, I don’t think my son and DIL will ever get over the scare.

but after all that, am I selfish for being secretly pleased she ran to me, she must feel safe at my house.

It's great she ran to you, but she should be told in no uncertain terms to NEVER do that again. She put herself in danger because she was told off.

I'm glad she's ok and felt sure you would help. Don't they love to scare us albeit unwittingly.

She will have frightened the living daylights out of herself. Cuddles and reassurance was the right approach. Her parents can have a stern conversation with her tomorrow when she’s calmed down and had some sleep.

Nothing that passed could be described as remotely traumatic.
Hopefully, she doesn't do something so bloody stupid again.
Maybe she ran to you because you're a soft touch?

I think it's fine op provided you backed her parents and didn't undermine them in your approach. Obviously you want her to feel safe with you but it can't be at the expense of her relationship with her parents. So as long as that's something you're mindful of while you're being there for her, then it's great she has that relationship with you.

But I agree with others she needs to know that was not safe and shouldn't happen again unless it's an emergency.

I'm not sure I'd be pleased she came to your house. She's 8 and she ran away from home because she was told off, that's a major concern!

Regardless of how relieved you were to see her, it needs to be made clear that it's absolutely not an acceptable thing to do except in a true emergency.

It is a bit of a strange thing to feel pleased about, yes.

I mean, obviously pleased she ran to your house as opposed to properly running away.

But if even a tiny part of you feels glad it happened because it demonstrates how much she loves you, that's probably something you need to look at and explore, because it doesn't bespeak the healthiest of family dynamics....

What's your relationship like with her parents - do you on any levels disapprove of their parenting, or feel in any level of competition with them over her affection?

Profuse apologies if I have totally misunderstood your final paragraph. It just seemed like a strange thing to say - but maybe I have totally misread your meaning......

Oh bless her. Lots of things feel like the end of the world when you're 8. I hope her parents are revisiting their home security procedures - i.e. locking the front door and hiding the key! I'm not sure I'd read anything into it about feeling safer at yours - she came to yours because she knew the way. If she didn't have a relative close by she'd have been hiding in a bush at the end of the road! Of course it's lovely that she has other adults in her life she can trust.

I'm lost for words how heartless you sound.

No I don't think I'd be 'secretly pleased' when my son and daughter in law were worried out of their minds. What a weird way to think!

but after all that, am I selfish for being secretly pleased she ran to me, she must feel safe at my house.

I’d say the vast majority of kids feel safe at their grandparents house, especially if they’re providing childcare 🤷‍♀️

If she didn’t, her parents wouldn’t allow you to mind them.

When everyone calms down and has recovered, I would talk to her again. It could be that a little girl through a tantrum and stomped off to Nana’s house. It happens. It also could be there is more to what is going on at home than you realize.

everyone thought my parents were great. We were a white picket fence kind of family so why wouldn’t everything be perfect. The reality was far different.

I hope this is nothing more than a funny story someday. It’s just worth a gentle probing to make sure there is nothing going on.

Absolutely yes

I think you are being very unfair to say this. Naturally the OP understands how frightened the parents must have been, but I think it just goes to show that she and her grandchild have a loving relationship, and surely that's what we would all hope for as grand parents, and as parents, don't we want our children to feel this safe with their grandparents, who many rely on for childcare whilst at work, and call on in an emergency, so I think what you've said is extremely harsh.

She looks after the child 3 days a week so I think it’s fair to assume she already feels safe with the OP.

Not sure why the OP is suddenly pleased about that obvious fact.

That child needs a good telling off.

My 8yo ran round the corner to her friend's house because she disagreed with how we did something and 'wanted to be part of their family'.

I doubt your DGD would have run away if you weren't an available option. Children do irrational things when they're upset, and as they get older and the boundaries of their world extend, running away is age appropriate imo.

You of course provide safety and love, and I hope age appropriate limits too.

deep down I had a feeling my post would be twisted and my relationship with my son and DIL would be questioned .

i can honestly say we are a close family, I don’t always agree with their parenting methods but I back them 100% . My DIL calls me mum and comes to me with her troubles as she isn’t close to her mum. We discuss how to raise the children when they are unsure and I always back their decisions.

the “chat” I had with my DGD was a gentle reassurance that having left her home she did the right the coming to me, but she should never have left her home in the first place. Her daddy had separated the children because he didn’t know who was telling the truth and they needed time out to calm down. Leaving her room was wrong and we discussed the reasons why.

my son phoned me first because they felt that it was highly probable that she would come to me when it was obvious she had left their house, and they were right which I think shows how well they know their children.

apparently it took her longer to get to my house because she sat under a tree thinking she would get told off my me for running away, but then it started to rain 🙄. And yes I am glad it rained if it hadn’t she might have changed her mind and gone somewhere else, maybe back home but who knows (my DIL thinks I’m over thinking now and if she had stayed under the tree one of them would have found her)

and yes I am pleased she ran to me, I have them for 3 days a week, but I can’t help wondering if they are really happy or just excepting that’s what happens. It’s nice when a child wraps their arms round you and you know you must be doing something right. I’m the sort of person who questions everything I do, I lack confidence I suppose, I know they are happy here they seem to be, we have fun, we do their homework sometimes or just play or cook we have dinner all the normal stuff. But to have it confirmed that they are honestly as happy here as I am to have them, it means a lot. My DIL has told me we must always live within walking distance so they always have a second home to run to ( her as well as the children which she did do when the youngest was little and she was at breaking point needing 5 minutes to herself)

for me personally I was just pleased to see that I am still very much needed something we all need sometimes don’t we?

and yes she was told off, I believe when she saw how worried we all were she didn’t need it spelling out, but we did. She did whisper to me that next time she’s going to just hide under her bed - it’s dryer and no one tells her off for doing that.

I don't think your post is being twisted it just seems really odd that you'd mention you were secretly pleased like you're happy she chose you over her parents. It was completely unnecessary to include that in your post.

Oh believe me she would never choose me over her parents, she was cross with her dad and wanted to go somewhere else, having left the house the only place she could think of was me. She didn’t run away to me, she came to me when she realised what she had done and needed somewhere to go.

yes I am pleased that when in that situation she felt she could come to me. I told her off, don’t think I didn’t, but I also made it clear that I’m always there for her. I believe her parents were pleased too, would rather it hadn’t happened but when in a pickle she had somewhere to go.

Op its absolutely fine to feel happy she came to you. I dont get a feeling youre crowing or smug about it. Just that in a moment of upset (however it was caused), she came to you. I "ran off" to my Nanas once when I was a bit older, and while my mum was worried she said afterwards she was so pleased i felt I could go there and didnt go somewhere random. I can imagine some people would feel their relationship with their DC is threatened by that maybe?

I know my DC would go to Nanas if they needed anything from someone who wasn't me or their Dad. Im very happy they know they have an alternative safe space if they need it, which is the most important thing.

This.