AI U to think my in-laws are arseholes

[notgivinga]

My dear MIL has recently died and the house was in a family trust so they dudnt have to pay if she went into a nursing home. (Never going to work)
anyway they have since found out that they will now have a month to clear the house where they don’t have to pay the council tax and after then it will be charged at 150% !!
They have already started clearing and they are meeting the vicar and the undertaker next week in a house devoid of furniture.
one if the brothers has actually said by the time we pay for mums funeral , sort the will out etc., there won’t be much money left !!
I am so sorry that when the funeral happens we will stand In her home and there will be no furniture in it - how awful will that be ?
I can’t help thinking when my mum died we all met up there and the house was just as it was, we all had a glass of sherry and waited for the hearse.
they are even wondering how many funeral cars they can get away with ( there are a lot of them )
When I ask my husband he just says let them get in with it, which is equally shocking !!
it seems to me some of them are more interested in the money than anything else!
sorry for the ramble but I’m so fing angry I could cry she was such a lovely lady .

Maybe decide the funeral will be the last you see of them.

Yes that’s exactly what I told my daughter, I really don’t care if I never set eyes on any of them again !!

I mean your DH isn’t wrong, “let them get on with it” is really the only advice you need. They aren’t your siblings, it’s not your mother.
There’s not really a massive issue meeting a vicar in a partially cleared house.
Perhaps the family will prefer a function room rather than the hassle of doing it at home.

Nobody needs to go to the house? Funeral and wake at a local pub?

I wouldn't want my family to spend extra money on council tax that noone benefits from for the sake of people standing around gawping at my furniture.

I’d be more angry at my husband than any of them. Why is he being so wet? I get he’a grieving but it doesn’t remove your ability to speak up. Does he have no power in this situation? Have the post funeral gathering in a pub - makes far more sense.

I think they're just being practical.

I really can’t see the issue or why it affects you?

What does it matter if the house is cleared of furniture, it seems practical and organised, and ditto re cars?

it feels like you think your MIL is being disrespected but how so?

Perhaps the DH doesn’t actually share the OP’s view.

Well he said something about letting them get on with it. Ambivalent at best. But they are married - talking about it to be clear about mutual opinions would seem sensible - and usual!

I don’t think they’re being that bad? When my grandad died my dad and his siblings had a conversation about how many funeral cars they really needed because these costs all add up quickly. Grandad was very much loved and cared about by everyone. His council house had to be cleaned out within (I think) a month so as not to incur charges of some kind. It was just practical.

People grieve in different ways. Your way isn't necesaatily right and you (an in law) are criticising the actual children of the deceased. Who knows what your MIL said to them about costs? My mother has given us strict instructions to keep funeral costs to the bare minimum - sees a fancy coffin as the utilmate waste. Likewise I cannot see the point of funeral cars unless everyone in the family is too distraught to drive. My Dad recently drove me and DH to his lovely mum/my beloved grandmother's funeral. My uncle did the same. Worry about what matters in life, not perceptions and "image" to the public.

I think my brother in law might act this way if I’m honest - some people just are like this OP , not very sentimental , more about practicalities .

This.

I'd rather my family benefit from any potential money that I leave than spend it on keeping my property furnished for a gathering before my funeral and extra funeral cars.

I don't think spending on those things is a reflection on how loved someone is.

At the end of the day, I don't think its your place to judge on this.

Thanks all. I’m not actually worried about what other people think . I think they are thinking about the money they are going to inherit above anything else.

Over what though? Your desire for funeral cars? A fancy funeral? Those things aren’t necessary, they don’t make anyone more loved.
Frankly I haven’t even seen funeral cars at the last several funerals I’ve been to, it’s a bit dated.

Their mother has already died, you moaning about your dislike at how they are handling the funeral plans is distasteful.

This is literally none of your business at all, her children are making the decisions that they see fit.

It's got nothing to do with you what or how they do things.

You would be angry at your DH... who's mother had just died?
Maybe he is grieving and doesn't need the bullshit

What makes you think this? Nothing you said in your OP indicates this.

Their mother has already died, you moaning about your dislike at how they are handling the funeral plans is distasteful.

This.

Hang on. She’s angry at siblings who are also grieving. So it’s fine to be angry at them and not at him?! Make your bloody mind up. Angry at all or angry at none.

I completely get where you’re coming from, I think it depends on your attitude to funerals. When my nan passed we literally ran around to the house within an hour or 2 and started cleaning etc because we knew people would be visiting. On the morning of the funeral everyone met there and the cars left from her house, we had tea/coffee/beer/whisky out for people. She would have been mortified if we let people into an “unkept” home, she’d of wanted it to have been just as it was.

It’s quite possible that your MIL will have much preferred her estate to go to her family rather than be spent on council tax etc.

I think it’s also very normal for houses to be emptied or partially emptied before funerals and wakes. There is no need for anyone to be at the property on the day of the funeral.

It comes across that your way is the right way and you won’t shift from that mindset but there isn’t any right way to grieve or how to deal with a bereavement. As your DH said, just let them get on with it - I imagine the last thing he wants is an unnecessary dispute with you in the aftermath of his mother dying.

But this is OP’s MIL. Her own children have a right to decide what’s best to do. It appears they are practically making plans as needed to clear her house - far better than doing nothing and one person being left with the job, which is what often happens.

We don’t know, as OP hasn’t said, but perhaps her MIL had made her wishes clear, and her children are following them?

I can’t imagine hanging out in the home of the deceased person. That feels very odd to me. Certainly not entertaining in it. I’ve only been in to help with the clearance process. I think you are coming up against different grief cultures.

They have actually told you there isn't much money left after the costs of the funeral and sorting everything out. If you feel that strongly that your way is the only right way to grieve, put your money where your moth is and offer to pay unnecessary council tax and an extra funeral car.

You come across really badly here, from the snidey dog that putting the house in trust wasn't going to work to describing a discussion on cars as what they can get away with rather than just a sensible discussion - do you think they need a lot more, why? Be specific. If they were making some people walk or suggesting sitting on each others laps, you might have a point, but if it's just "X people, five in each car..." Then you are being awful.

I think you and DH are trying to take the moral high ground to justify to yourselves that it is okay/bad they are actually doing all the hard work while you do nothing.