Financial dependency but not married

[littlegemsara]

Partner and I live together in joint-owned home. He is self-employed and work has dried up over the past few years, and he's not had work since October.

We each maintain our own bank accounts, and have a joint account for the mortgage, bills and food. Over time, the proportion we each put in has changed (he's put less in, I've had to put more in).

He's not put anything into the joint account for months now so I'm covering everything. He's made some efforts to finding alternative work but (in my opinion) doesn't seem to have tried hard enough.

He's now put in a claim for JSA, but has been turned down, as his NI contributions aren't high enough due to such a low income. He also tried to claim some other benefits (tax credits?? Can't remember) but was also turned down because I earn too much.

We're having big arguments about it because I didn't enter into a relationship to end up with a fully grown, fit-to-work adult dependent, and it feels unfair that he can't claim support because of me, so the expectation seems to be that I should just support him.

Then I get the guilty feeling that I should be doing more to help and I'm being selfish. Maybe if I thought he was fully dedicated to job hunting, or he did more around the house to help, I'd feel it was okay?

AIBU to begrudge this situation? Give me a reality check, please?

He should be a million percent be doing the majority of household tasks and job hunting for hours
YANBU

That's not acceptable. He needs to get a job and bring money in. I would end a relationship over this. What a cushy life he has letting you pay for everything and not pulling his weight around the house

If he was self employed and there’s no work, he needs to look for employment instead. Four or five months is a long time with no money coming in from him. Surely there’s something he can get to tide you over.

I think with long term partners you’d hope they’d support each through a tough time like redundancy or loss of self employed work, but with that comes the responsibility of the other partner to make sure they’re doing all they can to get their contribution back up (doing the house work plus putting everything into finding work). Otherwise they’re relying on you acting like a supportive partner, while they get the benefit without putting anything in.

Stop tying yourself in knots thinking it is you in the wrong.

Even if he is starting a new business during the week, he can drive pizza around on a Friday night and work at hostels or care homes or bars at the weekends and bring home a grand. He is not doing nearly enough. I would have things lined up within one day.

If you agree with this what will you do next OP?

Do you still fancy him?

I struggle to believe that a healthy competent man with no dependents to work around can’t find a job, any job. Has he looked for agency work? Dh has a university degree (is now a company director), but after uni and between jobs before he went self employed, he did anything going. He assembled bits of pre-fab houses in a warehouse. He picked watercress for a season. There must be bar work, cafe jobs, retail, hospitality, etc plus he could push some side jobs related to his business. Why did the jobs dry up to begin with?

I’d be setting a deadline for when he needs to start carrying his weight financially (and I’d expect he’d already be doing all the cooking, cleaning, food shopping, etc). After that, you need to consider your next steps, whether that is putting the house on the market, re-doing your budget, etc.

Time to sell the house an recoup what you havd paid extra since October.
You are being used and being foolish.

“Maybe if I thought he was fully dedicated to job hunting, or he did more around the house to help, I'd feel it was okay?”

Thats the crux of the matter. He’s not being proactive in job hunting, or taking up the slack regarding housework.

What is he doing to find work? Any work?

Has he become a cocklodger, and is it giving you the ick?

Consider carefully what you want from this relationship and remember that ultimately this stage, still dating, reasonably young, pre kids (sounds that way in your OP but correct me if I’m wrong) is the BEST it will ever be.

He’s not a provider which is fine unless you want kids and have your eye on being able to drop to PT or stay home.
He’s not an equal partner, which is fine as long as you earn enough to cover the both of you and don’t need the reliability of a safety net incase you fall on ill health/times.
He’s financially dependent, which is fine as long as you’re ok with that and he’s contributing heavily in other areas to a level that you feel it’s fair. (Although I think it’s hard to actually do that unless there are kids or caring responsibilities in play)

Are you shopping for a husband? If so think very VERY carefully about that choice because a DH/ father of your kids is the biggest decision you will ever make and you should try to be practical about it. If your friend was describing this exact situation to you what would you be thinking in your head? ‘Oh he sounds like a lovely guy who has just fallen on temporary hard times’ or ‘wow she really doesn’t see how much of a ride she’s being taken for here does she?’

There’s lots of work around, nothing is beneath him. Any job is better than expecting his spouse to support him to do nothing.

I don’t think I could live with someone like this, tbh. Scrounging is the biggest red flag going.

Definitely do not have kids with this person anytime soon (at all!)

Yeah he’s taking the piss and behaving like a 14 year old.

Here’s an idea - take the WiFi router and his gaming console or controller to work with you. He’ll start looking for a job - or at least doing something - once his entertainment has gone. If he argues he needs WiFi to job hunt, remind him where the library is.

Unless you love the absolute bones of him, and know he’s your forever person, I’d give him an ultimatum. Any job is better than cock lodging. The market’s not brilliant but there are jobs. Might not be what he wants or thinks he deserves but that’s life.

I don’t work - by mutual choice with DH because I went back to uni - and I do absolutely everything around the house and garden. I make his every meal, wash his clothes, I even put the dishes in the dishwasher as he just leaves them on the side. I do or organise all DIY and works, budget, bills. I tidy his bloody bedside table. That’s my job. Your partner should be doing all of it if he isn’t contributing.

Well my cocklodger alarm bells would be going off by now.
Have seen a similar scenario play out with someone I know. How long have you been together?
After a few years of being a couple, the partner began doing less and less paid work and it came to a halt. He talks a good talk about how tough things are and there are no jobs/got rejected but in my mind he’s not really looking. Why should he, his bills are all paid by his other half and she gives him ‘pocket money’ to get by. He’ll go swanning off in her car while she’s working and has a wonderful carefree life with no worries, doesn’t do anything in the house either apart from put the hoover around the living room!
Whenever she complains, he makes her feel really guilty as it’s her fault for earning too much, for him to claim any benefits. Making her feeling guilty gives him time until the next argument and so it continues.
It’s been about 10years now that he ‘cannot find’ a job.
I’m an old cynic and obviously this may not be applicable in your case but I would certainly be thinking along these lines.

Thank you everyone. I think the thing that shocked me was him not being eligible for benefit support because of me. I know we share the house together, but I didn't expect for him to be seen as dependent on me in that way. It made me think that maybe I should be doing more, like giving him money as someone upthread talked about.

His line of work is slowly disappearing, so he needs to branch out and do something different, but he's very stuck in his ways.

Stop blaming yourself for his lack of money, that’s guilting you into accepting the situation. He has no money because he has not got a job and it doesn’t sound like he’s in a hurry to get one.
He should be doing anything to bring money in, even if it’s part time in retail or hospitality. Christmas has been and gone, surely there were seasonal vacancies he could have had.
What’s stopping him going out with a bucket and chamois to clean windows?
Grass cutters/gardeners are in high demand here as well as dog walkers. Anything is better than nothing as he’ll get into a rut.
At the very least, your house should be sparkling clean with all decorating and repairs done.
I’m obviously projecting, basing it on the couple I know. Do not be like her! She buys all his food/clothes/dental work/pays his phone/ buys his family presents at birthdays and Christmas. She also does the cooking and cleaning. She has a fully fledged cocklodger and whilst we all saw it happen, she didn’t.