Estranged family member sending gifts to children

[Howsweetitis]

I posted on here around Christmas that my estranged sibling, who has never had a relationship with my youngest child and who hasn't seen my eldest in over a decade, started gifting them Christmas presents last year, as they have now reconnected to my parents of whom I have no contact with.

A very brief back story is that a few years ago, after years of being verbally abused and controlled by my parents, a row broke out and I have not spoken to them since. They are people who like to preform to an audience, but have no soul behind closed doors.

Above sibling is my half sibling and hadn't spoken to them for about 14 years, as soon as I removed myself from them, they were all suddenly best friends, being invited round for Sunday dinners, inviting my children round (one of whom they hadn't met despite them being 10), and my other child had not seen them for a couple of years prior to that. Obviously I wasn't invited but because they think so highly of themselves, expected my children to bite their hand off at the offer and play happy families.

Sibling then started sending Christmas gifts for the children, which made me very uncomfortable. Putting remarks on their card like "lots of love from xxxxx", despite not actually meeting my youngest at this point.

This happened over two Christmases and I reached out very politely after Christmas just gone, stating they don't have a relationship with my children and my youngest doesn't know them, so please kindly do not send gifts as it is odd receiving gifts from someone they don't know, as is inviting them around for Christmas dinner. I didn't mention how disgusting it was to expect my children to go there for Christmas dinner and leave their own mum at home, alone however personally I don't think that needs to be said. I didn't get a response but their offspring deleted me and blocked me off their social media, with sibling blocking me days later also.

My children rarely see my parents, they constantly tell people I'm a terrible parent, have lied about me and purposely seek out gossip about me. They are not nice or kind people towards me. My youngest child doesn't really see their true colours yet, as they are so young and will occasionally ask to go and visit. My eldest will go with them for a couple of hours and then they come home.

They spoil my children and throw money at them. My youngest has a birthday coming up soon and my dad has reached out texting to say they have their presents and that my said sibling has sent them a gift too, after kindly and respectfully being asked not to, literally about 5 weeks ago. I don't feel these gifts are given from the heart, I feel they are sent to cause me distress and indirectly abuse me.

My children have seen their grandparents once since Christmas for just over an hour. Would I be unreasonable to now sever contact altogether, to avoid further damage and to reinforce my boundaries? I have never bad mouthed my parents to my children, and I have allowed a small relationship to maintain because my children love their grandparents, my ex husbands parents don't live in this country and so they don't have that relationship with anyone.

I am now at the point of thinking I might have to pull them away completely, as they are just being used as tools to abuse me further. Something my ex husband did for years and my mother criticised him for. I also dread to think of what lies they will tell next.

Donate the gifts.
Don't give it another thought.

Yanbu to cut contact.
Protect yourself as you see fit.
No one is entitled to be in your life or your childrens.
Do whats best for you as a single parent.
Block their number on your childrens phone.
They shouldn't have direct access.

@Berrybluessey thank you. I feel my parents will encourage sibling as to try and cause me distress. We did actually donate the gifts they have already been given.

Do your children want to continue seeing their grandparents, particularly as their other grandparents aren’t in this country

@FlamingoFloss my eldest doesn't, they are old enough to see what they are like. My youngest is mostly unaware as they're only little and will ask to go there once a month or so.

Far from being unreasonable to distance yourself from your parents as well as the half- sibling, I think it is absolutely the right thing to do.

The sibling is obviously unstable and a troblemaker, and has identified you as a target. Sibling is using their relationship with your children to annoy you, unset you, wield power over you, etc.

If your parents can't see this and can't respect your boundaries, you need to go lo/no contact.

This is to protect your children, too. Once they get to an age where they have a phone, this sibling will be all over contacting them to re-establish a toe-hold in your family.

I really feel for you, because I've had similar with my family.

P. S. you.need to think, too about how you explain the situation to your children. I went with a mild version of - not mentally well, couldn't trust them to not cause a lot of trouble because they really didn't know how to behave nicely.

@Rhaidimiddim my eldest is at an age where they do see it and doesn't particularly like them. They have now begun to favour my youngest, as they are still young enough to be manipulated. They have really low contact now, as my dad has no filter and is not always appropriate in things he says.

I think I may follow your lead and just say that we only make space for people who are GENUINELY good and kind to us, not people who can sometimes be very mean for no reason. It's tricky because I don't want my children to be upset, yet I don't want them to be used either.

I appreciate your comment and I'm sorry you have an understanding of this situation.

It helps that your older child has a take on the sibling; they'll be able to help explain the situation in child-peer terms.

It can be really quite unsettling to have someone target you like this, and identify your children as tools for further getting at you.

What must be really hard here is that your parents just aren't taking the situation seriously and are prepared to be sibling's flying monkeys.

@Rhaidimiddim I think it may be more like the sibling is their flying monkey, they're just too full of themselves to see it. Very similar in nature, very overconfident and full of self importance. There's a form of competition there, always. Personally I'd rather not participate and be left the heck alone.

You're right, it isn't pleasant at all. I hate that my eldest is old enough to have to witness this behaviour and have their own kind of experiences because of this. This is why I couldn't continue with them in my life, because I wanted better for my children and didn't want it to be deemed as normal behaviour. The last time my youngest was there alone, my dad was telling him what a peadophile is. Totally unhinged conversation to have with a child.

Oh, hell - the parallels. In my case it was my mother, who was abusive to me, then started contacting my 4-y-o after I went NC.

It sounds like you've got a handle on the dynamic, as has your older DC. The paedo thing will make it much easier for you to explain, when your children are older, why yoy cut grandad out - it is a kinda shortcut.