To struggle so much with my 5 year old and baby?

[BingBong41]

SAHM here, I’ve put off writing this for a long time out of fear of judgement. I have a 5 year old DD and a 3 month old DS. DS is a doddle at the moment (although we have struggled with his reflux and various medications/milks since he was 2 weeks old, he seems to be in a better place now) but DD is so hard to handle. I haven’t taken them both out alone yet as it makes me really anxious - DD likes to run away from me when walking near roads and hides in shops, she whinges to go on shopping centre rides, won’t let go of things she is told she cannot have in the shop and complains she’s tired within one minute of leaving the house. She has been like this for at least 2 years. We thought it would get easier but it just won’t. She also runs across roads when we walk home after school despite being able to fully recall the consequences of doing so, she knows she can get killed by a car but continues. As well from having the pram with me, I am dyspraxic and hypermobile (so I don’t trust myself with a baby carrier as I am prone to tripping) and thus I struggle to chase after her - the only person who can is her dad and he obviously is working all week. We don’t have a car yet as everything is close by on public transport but are looking at getting DH restarting lessons next month (started in 2020 but lockdown ensued and he couldn’t get a test). I know it would make more sense for me to drive but I am very scared of driving and don’t have a good eye for hazards.

I don’t really know what I’m looking for other than support. I know people will say “just take them out” but it’s really scary having a child that just doesn’t listen and being unable to prevent them from getting lost or worse.

That sounds tough but clearly you all need to go out regularly and have no choice. If your DD is running away and/or not paying attention to the road it's hard to resolve without more training on road awareness or reins even.

Does she have a scooter, this might give her the freedom she wants but keep her off the road. She could go along the pavement in front and always come back again until you catch up with the pram.

We have tried scooters but she ends up getting bored after 5 minutes and I’ve had to carry it.

I’m just here to offer support, and I get it.

DD was 3.8 when DS was born. The first year was awful. He had CMPA and screamed day and night for months, she was very jealous and ‘naughty’ to get attention. Constant whining, complaining about DS and general clash of needs 24/7.

I was very angry and snappy during this period. DD did go to nursery, does yours? DD doesn’t officially have dyspraxia but she’s ‘clumsy’ - still needs to be told to walk around wheelie bins, not to stumble onto the road etc - it’s exhausting.

I will say it improved when DS was about 12-18 months, when he became more mobile we could do things like soft play and the park together and by then DD had grown up a little bit.

What I found (and still do) find helpful is to set small, realistic goals for myself each morning. Eg: ‘Today I want both kids to have an hour of fresh air, 15 mins each of reading with me, and half an hour of drawing/painting/whatever’. Or the goals are more like ‘I will not shout and lose my temper today, and the kids will have a healthy home cooked dinner’. It doesn’t matter how you fulfil these (the healthy home cooked dinner could be pasta with tuna and veg or whatever, rather than a full cooked thing), but it helps me to feel in control and happy that ive done something ‘right’ today.

Thank you. DS is on Pepti 1 and Gaviscon at the moment, it’s made a huge improvement but still not 100% there. DD is in Reception so it’s easier at the moment with the weekdays being filled but weekends are a nightmare as DH works Saturdays, and the nonstop rain has left us with barely anywhere to go (we have a park right in front of us but it’s very wet all the time). Thankfully half term is nearly over but I am dreading summer holidays the most as 6 weeks of this sounds hellish. DH only wants to take 2 weeks max off for this so it will be mostly me and the odd days with grandparents. I will try to set a goal each day and it probably will make me feel better, I have little motivation to get out of bed on days with DD home as it’s just so dreary and drags on.

With a new baby brother, it's completely normal for a 5 year old to be playing up - it's a big adjustment so I would cut her some slack for a lot of it, ignore the whingeing and stroppiness and be deliberately breezy and cheerful and distract as much as possible. Rides and things can be used as a bit of a bribe - if you're good in the shop, you can have a ride when we come out!

The running off I would deal with much more firmly as this is dangerous - especially if you are unable to react quickly due to health conditions. You need to train her to walk holding onto the buggy/pushchair beside you - start with small walks, use a wrist rein at first. Just walk for 5 or 10 minutes and reward her with lots of praise, stickers, a small treat - whatever works! Then build up time slowly. Chat to her as you're walking along to distract her from the temptation to run off - counting steps games, I spy, looking out for different colour cars, trees, dogs, funny clouds - make a game of it and give her your full attention. Be very firm that she must not run off and that is a non-negiotable. If she does run off, give her a consequence every single time.

I do feel for you with this bloody grim weather, it's not fun going to the park when everywhere is muddy and boggy 😩 mine used to make assault courses and dens in the house on wet days, have carpet picnics with a blanket on the floor, get out the cookie cutters and make their own sandwiches in funny shapes. Playdoh, duplo, marble runs and simple board games are all useful for filling time at home and I often let them play in the bath for ages with bubbles, foam letters, squirt guns etc!