Stretched thin

[PoisedFish]

I feel a bit stretched thin.
My brother was admitted to hospital last Sunday. When I made a general call to my sisinlaw, she informed me he’s in hospital in A and E. He wasn’t on the ward. The following day she informed me that he’s in ICU with septic shock and so that afternoon I informed work and went to see her. I live in Leicester and it takes me around 1hr15 min to get to their house.
4 days out of 5 so far I’ve been driving to Birmingham. I try to leave around times I don’t think traffic would be busy, BUT most of my day just goes.
I drive to Birmingham to their house then we go see my brother in hospital which is 30 mins away (in her car as she has a car park pass). And then we spend some time there and back to their house and then I’m leaving at 1/1:30 to get back. Leaving my house at 9 getting back for 2/3.

We all know this journey could be cut short. I can meet at the hospital and I’m happy to pay for parking. Atleast I can be home earlier. She doesn’t seem keen on it. She’s expecting me to stay and spend time but as much as I want to I just can’t. I have 2 young kids. My 1 year old needs me after nursery. I’ve taken time off work and need to resume this.

I understand she has it hard in some ways as my nieces are young and it’s hard for them to see their dad in ICU. She has a 20 something nephew who can come but he doesn’t understand medical terms. She prefers me but I can’t always do it. I have to think of childcare. Ofcourse if my brother deteriorates then I have to see him whatever it takes, but atm he’s up and down but not getting worse than he is.

Thing is I only have my brother as both parents have passed away. It falls on me and he’s my brother who I’m worried about, but I also have my little family. Just today we spent 1 and half hours in hospital. I was worried about time and as much as I would love to spend time with my brother I really wanted to leave early. But couldn’t as I would appear insensitive. It was ok this week but I will struggle working next week. I’ve asked work if I can start late. I’ve told them that I will be visiting very frequently whilst he is in ICU.

Tomorrow is the weekend and there’s stuff going on with kids. My husband and his family have plans. We have both kids. I’m expected to be there for 11am as the doctor will discuss ultrasound results. I’m feeling a bit tired mentally (as if I don’t go I’m waiting around for updates) and physically too.

I’ve been told it would be easier to stay over but it’s not something I would prefer to do. We have work and kids have nursery and school.
Realistically my brother will be in hospital for a long while.

How do I manage expectations? Or am I just a terrible sister for saying no sometimes?

This is too much. Your SIL cannot respect all the support.

Wouldn’t it make sense to stay for a few days eg over the weekend and then have some time off rather than daily trips.

When my DH was seriously ill in hospital my siblings came and stayed with me to help with my young dc.

Apart from the 20 year old nephew does SIL not have any other family to support her?
I hope you get some positive news about your brother.

Sorry about your brother. Hope he improves. Could you use a video call to be there for the results. I had similar with a friend when my children were little. I had to do some of the support by telephone.

My husband is busy at the weekends and I would have the kids. It makes sense for sure however as my SIL is making daily visits she prefers me to be there most days.

Thank you I hope so. No unfortunately there isn’t anyone else. I’m still intending to visit frequently but it’s just I could do with a day off here and there.

Can’t your husband cancel his plans and look after your children so you can go and stay for a few days? What is he doing to help you?

This sounds tricky if there really is no one else (presumably the poor nephew has lost his mum and dad too, and SIL also has no parents living either) and I can see why she would lean on you if you are the only relative. I think you would need to reverse the situation and think how you would feel if it was your husband in hospital.
What is your husband doing that is so important he can't have your children this weekend?

Your DH and his family need to step up and look after the children so that you can focus your attention on your DB this weekend.

Set boundary. You don't have to ho every single day when you have very young children and live and work so far away. When your sil permission, the doctors could speak with you over the phone or on a teams call.

I don’t think there is anything unreasonable about cutting your journey short and meeting at the hospital. It also sounds like you want to spend some time at home with your young DC. It’s all good and well DH cancelling plans this weekend but it doesn’t really solve the problem for you when you need a break and are exhausted. Can SIL not go to the hospital on her own if DB is not getting worse? She could also put you on FaceTime when the consultant is doing his rounds? Hope you’re ok OP. A friends partner is going through similar and he is completely exhausted without all the travelling.

I'm so sorry your brother is so unwell, it must be such a stressful and worrying time for you all 😔 I don't think you're unreasonable not to visit every day, it's a long way and you have work and small children, you'll burn yourself out quickly going every day. You can support your SIL with phone or video calls on the days you don't go.

I do think your husband should step up and have the kids on the weekend so you could go and stay over though. My DH would definitely do that without question if my sibling were gravely ill.

My SIL is not originally from the UK so her family can only provide support over the phone. Absolutely I would be devastated if this was my husband in hospital and I’m really trying to support her. My husband has been busy nearly every weekend with his business. If it’s not my husband then it’s my MIL who always makes plans. I have spoken to my husband and told him that MIL needs to stop being insensitive and if she’s making plans to go ahead without me. I’m asking for support from my husband.

Set some boundaries. Visit when you can/want to. Meet at the hospital. Speak to the doctor on the phone for the results. You can't be superwoman or you'll end up no good to your family. SIL will manage. People always find ways to get what they need. As you said, this is a long term thing, so you and she need to adjust.

It's absolutely fine to say no. It's absolutely fine to drive to the hospital if that works better for you. Yes, your SIL is in a stressful position but it doesn't mean you need to agree to everything she asks you. Travelling to her house just to then travel back and forth in her car is unworkable. You don't need to give her lengthy explanations but you do need to be kind but firm.

I think going to the hospital every day is a bit excessive. You need to be there for your children too. Yes in an ideal world you could but it doesn’t work like that. You need to set boundaries of what support you can provide. You don’t want to risk your job either.

My husband is busy at the weekends and I would have the kids

But your DH needs to step up to help you.

Can her family not fly over? I appreciate the money may not be there but if my dd and gc were in this situation I'd be on the next flight. Its their son in law and grandchildren. And yes your dh and family need to be more supportive of you too. I also think you need to assert your limits with SiL too...if this is going to go on for some time you need to find a sensible compromise.

OP- kindly- this is not your responsibility. You are giving more of your support than you can afford to give.

Don't run on an empty glass. You own well being is the most important here, and also the welfare of your children.
Visiting once or twice a week is reasonable, and you can phone the hospital on days you are not there.

Tell your SIL that you will meet her at the hospital if you plan a joint visit, coming to her home first doesn't work for you. Neither does staying longer at a visit.

People may have expectations of us, it does not mean we have to comply.

Can you take a week off work? Stay over? You can’t drive back and forward and expect to continue your normal life at a time like this.