To ask how your partner pulls their weight if you WFH?

[Icedcoffeeee]

DH works in office 5 days a week. Usually out 11 hours a day from leaving home to getting back. I WFH 4 days spread over 5, occasional evening work due to nature of work/events, so all the childcare, school drops, activities, groceries, meal prep, kids laundry, school admin etc fall on me.

I'm finding myself annoyed at DH for never being around, he barely sees kids in the morning, gets back late and really only sees the eldest DC for an hour tops before bedtime. He prioritise his fitness one night a week so completely misses bedtime, and one day at the weekend which eats into the main part of the day so any family days out do not happen (usually just me n the kids will go somewhere for the afternoon).

He does a bit of cleaning and will do his own laundry, occasional home repairs if required AIBU to be annoyed that he should be around/pull weight more?

YANBU. Make sure you also have an evening and some time at the weekend when you go to an exercise class or similar, and leave him to do everything while you're out.

So many DHs working 'very long hours'.

Which I'm sure plenty of us would like to do if it got us out of the childcare, cooking, cleaning, shopping and school runs...

Depends what his job is/what is the commute etc.
If he's very senior or depending on the sector, it might not be feasible for him to work shorter hours. Can he change organisations?
Best thing is to talk to him about it and see how he thinks he could be around more?

He has children he sees 1 day out of 7 while you do everything every other day, despite working nearly FT? That's rubbish. He should get a new job. Is he doing 100% childcare for the one and a bit days he's actually around?

You need to take one night a week off and one whole day at the weekend . Just the same as him.

He has pretty much 5 nights a week off childcare, no? "...really only sees the eldest DC for an hour tops before bedtime"

We both always do whatever needs doing whenever we’re home. It’s not about wfh or not. If you wfh, you can still work long hours and you’re working, so can’t be cleaning or doing the school run. But neither of us sits around doing nothing while the other does everything. Whoever works less, does more at home. Why can’t you go out to the gym twice a week too?

DH is in the office 4-5 days a week, 7am-7pm. I WFH 5 days a week.

Everything falling on me, and the fact I’m stuck in a job I don’t hugely like because of it, caused a lot of resentment. We ended up going through marriage counselling to try and sort it.

We’re still nowhere near 50/50 but he now does drop-off 1 or 2 days a week, using breakfast club so he’s only 30 minutes late for work. I use this time to get up early go to the gym and go to a coffee shop before starting work—I was always jealous of him grabbing a coffee, walking to the station and then sitting on a train for an hour each morning, so this is my version of that.

If I ask, he’ll also get up 10-15 minutes earlier to empty the dishwasher, make lunches, or something similar before he leaves for work—I wish he had the initiative to do it without me asking, but beggars can’t be choosers. Previously I’d do all these things while trying to get the DC ready for school, which while possible did make the morning very stressful and rushed.

Working full time in an office is not a reason for not pulling your weight. You need to discuss with him.

Can he forego his weekend gym session and do the grocery shopping first thing on a Saturday or Sunday so that you can also then do a family activity. Can he also do some batch cooking on a Sunday? YANBU to expect more. Be clear with him and agree a more even split.

This! The resentment builds because I feel like most days, his life is almost exactly how it would have been pre kids, he only has to think about himself from the moment he wakes up and goes to bed. Whereas I’m balancing a job that is demanding, the home and the children. I guess I don’t mind, but I would at least like to feel seen for the mental load that I carry

I completely get the ‘nothing changed for him’ feeling.

It probably seems petty, but I sacrificed so much when we had kids and just saw him continuing like nothing changed. Even though technically I could do it all, I needed him to sacrifice something, more as a show of solidarity than anything else.

Which is what the one drop off and occasional earlier wake up is—it barely makes a dent in the work split, but it just shows some level of appreciation and willingness to try.