Feeling shitty....

[BitOfFun2026]

So I've recently reconnected with someone I went on a few dates with around 14 years ago. I was fresh out of a horrible relationship and wasn't ready at all for dating and he was a bit of a lad. (I was 26 then, now 40, he's 42)

I'm absolutely not looking for a relationship whatsoever right now, but we have agreed it would be nice to have something between friends with benefits and a full blown relationship - nothing serious, but nice dates rather than a booty call. The sex was amazing previously and things have been heated over the phone this time round, he still has the ability to make me go weak at the knees.

I had a hysterectomy in August and I have been feeling utterly shitty about myself since then - I've always eaten well, gone to the gym, etc. although I was bigger when we dated previously I've been a 6-8 for years, flat stomach etc. but menopause has put paid to that, I have a pouch from surgery and although I still eat really well my current job is incredibly stressful with long hours that stop me from exercising as much as I'd like.

Him, however? After 14 years he's gone completely the other way, he's a qualified PT (not his actual job), does shreds, gym every day, long walks. I've had the shittiest day today and ended up with pizza and wine but instead of accepting that everyone has off days I feel like he's had a go at me around saying I can't complain about how I feel if I won't put the effort it - I'M TRYING AND IT'S ONE DAY!

I'm starting a new job soon with reduced hours which will help but I'm a bit pissed off at his viewpoint. He's obviously seen recent photos and says I look great, turn him on, he wouldn't be meeting me, etc. but now my self confidence is shot to pieces! I know I'm still slim but I'm not like I used to be! I'm meeting him Saturday night...

Photos show my waistline from/to in six months! Fucking menopause!!!!

It seems a terrible idea to meet somebody who can make you feel rubbish before you’ve even actually met in person?

Although I think you need to give your head a wobble- I’m sure many ladies would love that waistline!?

Are you whinging to him then doing no excercise and eating/drinking unhealthy foods? This is my husband at the minute and it’s driving me up the wall him whinging about his beer belly whilst tipping a beer down his neck! I couldn’t care less tbh, I adore the guy. But I find the behaviour infuriating:

I get what you're saying - I know plenty of women would be happy with where I am - but it's not me (I have so many crop tops that will never see the light of day again!))

I probably have said I wish I could do more - not in terms of diet as there's nothing left to cut, but in this role as well I don't have time to exercise. I just kind of thought after a shitty stressful day he would say you know have a night off...

I just kind of thought after a shitty stressful day he would say you know have a night off...

You don't need his permission to have a 'night off'??

He's not your dad or your PT.

Don't bore others with your food and drink talk and they won't upset you with their opinions on it.

The whole point of a FWB / casual relationship is that it’s fun and makes your life even better. Somebody who is giving you grief about how you look and what to eat is somebody to go no further with. It might not be a relationship but your standard should still be kindness. You should feel comfortable around them and able to be yourself, and they should show you basic decency. It’s the bare minimum and should be the standard for anyone you’re involved with.

He isn’t your partner, and you haven’t asked for his support to keep you on the straight and narrow with your fitness. The correct response on his part shouldn’t be to berate you about it.

@DuncanMeBiscuit it was literally a comment about getting pizza and wine because I'd had a shitty day - hardly boring him with it

@ComtesseDeSpair I guess it feels weird because it's so long since I've seen him - I was actually bigger than I am now back then but I lost all confidence since

Op the man is a walking red flag to speak to you in this way and to say that to you after a hard day. And the worst of it is that he's preying into your insecurities and you're just letting him. You think it's normal because this is how you've been speaking to yourself.

You look fantastic. You don't look like a 20 year old because you are not a 20 year old. Why are you expecting your body to age backwards! Stop giving away your power to a man. You don't need his or anyone's permission to have a night off or treat yourself.

If a man spoke to me like that I'd block and delete because life is just too short to entertain people who don't build you up

Thank you I just teared up a bit.... he says he wouldn't be meeting me unless he thought I was still super attractive....

I hate how much I've aged since my hysterectomy, and I'd have taken every day in endometriosis pain instead to be honest!

Somebody explicitly saying “I wouldn’t be meeting up with you if I didn’t think you were attractive” is not trying to compliment you; he might think he is, but he’s just loading on the pressure. I think you need to step back and learn to be with yourself a bit before making yourself vulnerable. Sex is great - but it’s only great when you’re not going to be worrying in the lead up about whether he’ll notice the size of your bum and worrying afterwards about lying next to him in such a position to try and hide the stomach you perceive yourself as having.

I was lamenting to my FWB the other week about how I’m currently training for a half marathon in a particular city and I just don’t feel as fit as when I last ran that same half marathon and I’m didn’t getting close to my PB in training. Well, of course I’m fucking not, and of course I fucking didn’t. I’m ten years older and I’m never going to be 30 again. And all he said was “well, I’ve known you for years Comtesse, so just go out there and run like hell and concentrate on how you’re going to bitch to me afterwards about getting caught behind people hogging your lane.”

I think ageing is something women struggle with (I do too at times) but it's because we're surrounded by completely unrealistic standards of beauty , just look at how many female celebrities use botox or filler etc. And how many females post 40 find themselves in certain roles in films or TV. There is a huge pressure on women to maintain a youthful appearance long past that age. But that's something we need to be fighting against rather than bowing under. When I start to feel a bit down in that dept I do an overhaul of my social media to make sure I'm following women who are diverse and real and unapologetic about it. The only fitness accounts I follow focus on strength and feeling good and healthy rather than appearance/weight. I also made an agreement with myself that I would stop mentally speaking negatively to myself (which after an awful relationship was really hard at the start) but it got me to a place of feeling more neutral about myself and then gradually more positive.

You need to give yourself a bit of grace - it's tough when this is pressure we're all faced with every day, but who you surround yourself will make that harder or easier depending on what they bring to the table. Would you consider doing a bit of counselling to work on your self esteem and exploring what you want to leave behind from the old relationship and what you'd want from future ones?

"Somebody explicitly saying “I wouldn’t be meeting up with you if I didn’t think you were attractive” is not trying to compliment you; he might think he is, but he’s just loading on the pressure."

I also agree with this. It's almost akin to negging. It's like, if you didn't meet my superficial standards I would be interested. - he should know you're much more than your (beautiful) appearance and I think men who think this way only have short lived relationships because real life womens bodies change across the course of their lives, so if he thinks someone will just stay looking the same then he's going to end up being Leo DiCaprio and only dating 20 year old for as long as they're willing to date him. And then he'll be lonely.

It also suggests that he's not even a good pt if he doesn't understand how hormones and stress and surgery can affect the female body...

Come on OP, you’re heading from one shitty relationship straight into another. You don’t need this!

Come on OP, this is nuts! You would rather be in pain than go through a natural aging process? I’m partial to a spot of Botox every 4 months and I definitely invest heavily in skin care, but I’d rather have a wrinkle than be in pain. As for your waistline it sounds like your wardrobe needs aligning with your figure to give you confidence. Throw the bloody crop tops in the bin.

You need to work on yourself before entering a relationship, especially a FWB scenario. Thinking you’d rather be in pain for vanity really isn’t normal behaviour. Perhaps a mental health check to start.

Does shreds? OK, together with all the other stuff, he's a diet and exercise fanatic. And as often is the case with those people, he thinks everyone should be the same, especially people close to them. Those people are like robots, and they have very little time for anyone who isn't as zealous as them about it all. He sounds like the very opposite of fun. Do yourself a favour and get someone who knows the meaning of moderation and isn't an obsessive.

This x 1000.

Tell him to fuck the fuck off!! I’ve been with DH for 30 ish years. I’ve been through post natal depression, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, several serious surgeries and most recently become disabled following spinal surgery. He has had lots of bowel/colon surgery and a mental breakdown. Neither of us look like we did when we met - I’ve gone from size 12 to 24, back down and back up again. He’s pretty much done the same. We still love each other very much.

please get some counselling and work out what you want from a relationship and don’t let him talk you into anything else

@Pippa12 I'm still in pain as the hysterectomy has actually made my endometriosis worse...