My ex and I were together for eight years, he was emotionally abusive and very comtrolling through and it took me years to finally leave. We have been separated for two years. The relationship ended when he was charged and cautioned for assaulting me. Since then there has been no physical violence, but what has continued — and arguably escalated — is the psychological and financial abuse.
We have two DC, 7 and 9. There is no court order in place. He hasn’t paid maintenance for four months. Whenever I raise practical issues like maintenance or childcare arrangements, instead of responding clearly he sends long essay-style messages assassinating my character. He calls me lazy, says I don’t work, accuses me of claiming benefits dishonestly and hiding income, says I palm the children off on others, that they don’t come in clean clothes, that I prioritise my own life over them, and generally paints me as unstable and selfish. It feels like at every opportunity he tries to destroy my credibility as a mother and as a person rather than deal with logistics.
He regularly arranged for my step mother and DF to look afyer DC while he works. My relationship with my stepmother has always been fractious; my brother doesn’t speak to her, and neither do her own son and daughter-in-law. Five months ago my ex began a relationship with my stepsister, who is her daughter. He is currently not paying maintenance but is happy for them to provide him with childcare. My dad goes along with it, which I find deeply hurtful given the history of abuse.
He frequently ignores clear questions about drop-off and pick-up times, leaving me unable to plan work properly. He expects flexibility from me around his shifts but doesn’t offer the same in return. There is a constant pattern of financial pressure, withholding clear information, and then long degrading messages reframing himself as the reasonable one and me as the problem.
He has also messaged my daughter directly undermining me. The message reduced her to tears. It criticised me and positioned him as the better parent, which I felt was completely inappropriate and emotionally manipulative. My mother and brother can’t stand him and my brother and now my daughter have had to block him.
For additional context, his previous ex was so traumatised by their relationship that she was sectioned for six months. After my own relationship ended, I completed the Freedom Programme and was then referred onto a trauma course because the level of coercive control was considered significant.
I am now considering going to the police regarding ongoing harassment and post-separation abuse because of the repeated degrading messages and financial withholding.
Am I being unreasonable to see this as deliberate coercive control designed to damage my mental health and reputation? Or is this just what “difficult co-parenting” looks like? And to tjink my dad shouldn’t be behaving like this?