to still be affected by workplace bullying 5 years later

[user9099909]

Five years ago I returned to my job after cancer treatment, I was subjected to bullying by some of my colleagues, I never reported it as I wasn't sure if I was over sensitive due to a tough six months before. They really knocked my confidence and it took me a long time to regain it.
I have returned this week to work after 6 weeks off with illness (not cancer related) and its making me very anxious remembering what i went through.
AIBU to feel like this?

I was bullied out of a job. It was only when I had counselling literally 10 years later that I realised that the experience made me feel out of control and it impacted me hugely

Not unreasonable. You went through an awful time with your health, and then to come back to awful behaviour from colleagues is appalling.
Are they the same colleagues as 5 years ago?
Bullying and the residual effects of it can linger.

The main two have gone now, two who occasionally got involved are still there.

I had to put up with workplace bullying- started at the top & filtered through the ranks. It does affect you afterwards- even 5 - 10 years on you will never quite forget. It is often the unfairness of it and lack of trust in others as a result. Just try and to remember most people are not.

Sounds like the ring leaders have left so the two left hopefully won't bother. They probably don't even remember!!
If you have a return to work meeting, it may be worth mentioning the previous behaviour. You don't have to mention names, just that your previous return after cancer treatment was met with hostility.
Good luck getting back to work, I hope you don't go through that again.
Would some counselling be beneficial? I read another comment as to still being affected 10 years later, (which I can relate to) so that may be something to help you too.

OP you survived cancer treatment and a work return and experienced bullying and came through it. You are a goddess. You don’t feel it which matters but get some counselling and practice your inner bitch. Those two sad sack followers of the mean girls don’t mater one jot. Screw them.

20 years and still badly effected by it. Nasty horrible person who used my dyslexia against me. Its only now I'm beginning to recover....

Honestly, nearly a decade on, I'm still angry at how I was bullied out of a job, so I don't blame you. Despite being told how amazing you are, it will still knock you occasion.

If you have a halfway decent manager, go to them at the first sign of trouble. Sadly, my manager was frankly horrible (everyone was very derogatory about her) so I was stuck and made a deal to leave as long as I had blinding references, which I did.

I was bullied in a job 10 years ago. I was in my late 20’s and it was two women, my managers, in their 50’s/60’s. It destroyed my confidence which I’m still building back up but I moved to another job in another NHS place with a wonderful team and tried to leave it all behind. It was Mat leave cover for a year and I Ieft them with 3 months to go, so they wouldn’t be able to replace me. They made it hard, making me re-write my resignation twice when I sent it in (wrong date format) before they accepted it and actually met with HR to try and cancel my week off, which randomly turned out to be the last week of my notice period when they knew I’d booked a holiday. They failed, so I thought of it as a bit of revenge.

Anyway, about two years ago my lovely manager said something, in complete innocence, to me that they used to say, not malicious at all but a turn of phrase and I had to leave the room in tears. I was just triggered so fast. I felt so ridiculous explaining when she came after me. I was amazed at my own brain in that moment. I guess it never fully leaves.

I was bullied personally and a direct report was also badly bullied when she suffered a v close bereavement by a partner at a Big 4 firm 20 years ago. Have move now to a senior role where I dole it high value £££ work and on principle have never engaged with him since. He’s lost a lot of valuable income as a direct result. As mother always says “what goes around comes around”.

petty but I have my principles

I was bullied in a job about 7 years ago. I never reported it as I felt too embarrassed as I was 10-15 years older than them. I wish I had reported it. It has affected how much I trust my colleagues now which is a shame because they are lovely but I've been hurt once and scared it will happen again.

OP, I’m so sorry you’ve been through this. You sound like an incredibly strong person. It’s absolutely normal to still feel this way. It can take years to rebuild confidence and trust. I wish you well.

Not unreasonable at all. I was bullied out of a job a few years back, but it was the subtle kind of insidious behaviour which would have been difficult to prove. Lots of quips at my expense, being blanked and ostracized, withholding of valuable work info, excluded from general conversation. The ring leader managed to turn a group of women against me, so slander and reputation smearing was obviously at play. My only ' crime' was being extremely competent at my job and very quiet and softly spoken. Strangely enough, the only ones who didn't get involved and treated me respectfully throughout, were the men! It's definitely changed me as a person, I'm still scared of large groups of women and wouldn't want to work in an all female environment.

You need therapy, so you can move on.

I’m still affected by workplace bullying 4 years on. I actually found chatting to ChatGPT surprisingly helpful in helping me reframe how I look at that period. I’m the biggest AI cynic but couldn’t sleep and needed to get out of my chest so had a rant and the replies were remarkably helpful.

one thing to remember is that bullying wasn’t about you and who you are - it’s always about the bully and their wants/insecurities.

you can recover but there will be scars. you will be okay.

I did a post grad course and that was all about rebuilding my confidence and proving myself to others publicly. I got a distinction and I couldn’t be more proud. Fuck the bullies because I proved them wrong and I’m still standing despite their best efforts to undermine years of hard work. (I still hold some bitterness but I am not looking to forgive them. I don’t need to forgive - they will always be cunts).

Yep. And it seems to pop up at the weirdest moments. I’ve moved on, had therapy, have a much better job than I did back then, but still…sometimes it surfaces. It’s really hard, OP. Be easy with yourself.

I'm still affected by it 30 years on. You have my sympathy.

It's horrible to see so many people have been affected by workplace bullying, it's not something you think would happen in adult life and think you leave all that behind when you finish school.

@TeenLifeMum thanks for the ChatGPT suggestion its amazing how AI can make me feel better and understand what I went through

true. I work with men now but also make clear from day 1 I give 0 shit about peoples opinions about me

Work place bullying is trauma. I did EMDR for some of what I went through. It was hugely helpful and showed to me that unresolved bullying traumas from childhood home, school and abusive ex h were traumas that the workplace billing then sort of sat on top of. By processing all of it I really recovered from the intrusive thoughts and lack of self esteem. I was definitely bullied due to difference - I'm from a different region, neurodicergent , got divorced - the people who bullied me were the overwhelming majority white married mc etc. I run my own company now.

I was very surprised how helpful I found it.

I’m an intelligent woman, distinction at masters level, confident in my ability (not my appearance but that doesn’t impact my work persona) and not the type to usually get bullied. It nearly broke me. My dc and amazing husband got me through. One weekend in particular I was suicidal. I’ll never, ever, forgive them for making me feel like that.

This was the type of bullying I experienced. All 3 were women and one bitchy game-playing man. Previously my bosses have been men and being straight forward. I think it’s an insecurity and fear of competency of others that triggers female bullies. I’m a manager and I have my team’s backs and value their competency!

My experience was more recent but I can't imagine I'll ever forget it. Great shout chatting to ChatGPT, just tried it and it really helps frame feelings and experiences. I wish I could tell them all what a bunch of toxic c*cks they are. Every word out of their mouths was negative and mean comments about others. So relieved to have left.

Sad to see so many of us have experienced this, but also reassuring to read others accounts and not feel so alone with it.

I can sympathise, I endured 12 years of workplace bullying. A colleague took a dislike to me for no apparent reason and turned a group of colleagues she was friends with against me. I reported it after 2 years and it stopped briefly, nothing was really done but they were warned that it would be if there were any further incidences. It continued on and off for the next 10 years but they were much more subtle and each of these women got themselves into positions of power. It is difficult to explain but they made it a lot more difficult for me to do my job. I realised that I had to leave as it would never end. It really affected me despite me having left almost 3 years ago.

Absolutely not unreasonable, you're an amazing survivor. I'm currently being bullied and undermined and the absentee manager wants me gone - she's already scared off four others.

It has me up at nights and regularly in tears (not of upset but stone cold fury at what they get away with) but the senior managers think this person is an unimpeachable saint clad in solid gold knickers.

I'm looking for another job now as I've accepted I can't change this, the situation is beyond toxic, but I'm thoroughly expecting it to take a few years for the damage to fade.