Reasonable notice to see their dad

[Burntt]

ex told me Tuesday he would have the children (9&10) Friday. In the middle of the day handover. I can actually facilitate it as I booked half term off work (ex doesn’t know this however) but I responded saying I would appreciate more notice in future.

he thinks 3 days notice is acceptable and argued back threatening not to have them then. I’ve not engaged with that just said they can be available but would like more notice in future.

so as not to drip feed:
we have a court order he has every other weekend and 2 weeks of holiday. He rarely takes the holiday contact and over the last year his weekend contact regularly goes 8 weeks without seeing them. It’s got to the point I now plan our life as though he never has them. So while technically it is his weekend as he’s only having maybe one in 4 of his weekends I don’t think I’m unreasonable.

our son is disabled. Going out at the weekend involves booking carer or family support which cannot be done very short notice. So if I keep the children available until I know for sure this means on ‘his’ weekends we would be stuck at home if he doesn’t have them. Childcare is next to impossible to sort for our son too and there have been times ex won’t tell me if he’s having the kids I’ve sourced childcare then he’s had them last minute so I’m paying for expensive childcare I don’t use.

he pays the minimum child maintenance

I don’t think I’m unreasonable. Particularly as booking childcare was I working could not have been left that late, booking half term activities would likely have been done by now for most families etc. obviously I’d like to know if people here think I’m unreasonable but also interested to know what actually is a reasonable amount of notice in this situation?

This sounds so tough and you sound amazing mum. He is awful and someone unable to cope with his responsibilities as a dad.

You're right to request more notice. I'm sorry you're going through this. X x

He needs to be having them consistently on his set weekends and for a holiday each year. He needs to stick to it all for their sakes and for you to have some much needed time to yourself.

And a weeks notice if he’s not bothering would be the minimum I’d expect. I brought my dc up alone after horrific abuse so I at least didn’t have to tolerate all of that sort of behaviour for years.

If it’s his weekend he doesn’t need to give you any notice technically. If the usual pick up time is, say 6pm, then I’d have said fine, but collect at 6pm as per court order.
I’d also be arranging school holidays well in advance. If he only has them for 2 weeks of holidays, how do you manage the other 11 weeks when they’re off? Maybe it’s time to go back to court to get tighter arrangements in place, however if he fails to collect them there’s not a lot you can do about it I’m afraid.

I'm very sorry to hear about this and no you are 100% nbu to ask for more notice anyway but especially given his inconsistency and the care issues you describe. I think make it work this time as it will give you a break and them some time with their dad but reinforce the ground rules again 💐

I would say something like, let me ask if they want to come and if I can change our plans and say you will get back to him. Then ring back and say it’s fine, but yes your right more notice is nice but pick your battles

I think covering 2 weeks out of 13 is pretty rubbish, especially if he doesn’t bother with this low number. Clubs need to be planned in advance as does your annual leave or unpaid leave to cover looking after the kids. He needs to provide better notice

The thing with family court is the order is against the parent the children live with. So there really is no point taking it back to court. They won’t force him to have them just force me to have them available. It was a horrendous experience last time I don’t want to go through it again unless it will actually benefit the children. I could go back and argue to reduce contact but he would fight it as that means he would have to pay more- and he would take that out on the kids and bad mouth me to them. So it’s not worth it.

We do actually have notice for his holiday contact. He’s abusive used to use contact and court to continue that. i argued we cannot agree between us so he gets to choose his holiday contact without my agreement but must give me 2 months notice. For that I’d feel confident saying not enough notice if we were busy but as he doesn’t take his holiday contact it’s not been an issue. He basically needed it in the court order to reduce his maintenance. Said that in court and judge accepted this as a reasonable reason!

im not worried I’d be sanctioned in court if he took me back as I have so much evidence to defend myself. I’ve also not yet done anything against the order. It’s just going forward I’d like to be able to book things or make plans not have him controlling our lives like this. A general consensus on what is reasonable notice will help because I just hate him so much now I don’t trust my judgment on it

He should be paying the wasted childcare/carer payment if he just turns up or doesn’t give enough notice!! For a bare minimum!! Can you take him to CSA re the low payments too?

It might be in the court order but CMS know that they don’t always stick to it. That isn’t what decides maintenance.

Call them. Give them all the dates he has had the kids over the last year, and ask for a review. Give them your texts as evidence.

Nah, sod him.

If he can’t stick to seeing his children when he’s supposed to, you can’t be expected to drop everything at a few days notice for when he decides to. It’s not fair on you or the children.

ETA - I know it’s “his” weekend. But how were you to know he wouldn’t cancel again? You can’t live your life around if he decides to see them. God, what a dickhead!

If you are booking childcare, then thay money is gone if he has them or not, so forget about that. (I know its not easy, but you’ll drive yourself crazy hanging on to this )

Do the dc want to see him?

Do they benefit?

Do you get more of a break if they are with him?

I think 2 weeks notice if he wants to have them in half term is not unreasonable - you need notice to either arrange childcare or holiday activities for the children if he wasn't having them. Three days notice is ridiculous.

I have. They won’t even look at it again- court order trumps everything even when I have all the messages of him cancelling. They say I’d have to go back to court for a new order with reduced contact. The difference is about £40 a month I think so really not worth setting him off over

Kids wish to see him ebbs and flows. When they were very small and he was very nasty they really didn’t want to go and I tried to protect them but lost. Ex got a new partner after a couple years an and she has changed everything for the kids. We had a good while where she did all parenting and kids enjoyed going. Now she does less, I see posts on here regularly that could be her tbh with advice to step back from parenting his kids for him. Her doing less for the kids correlates with him having them much less. Even with this lower contact it’s frequently nanny or someone else actually having the kids. Kids don’t like their dad, but he’s not abusive enough these days the kids will be listened to in court for me to take it back to court and win. Kids love step mum and nanny and extended family so generally it’s them they want to see.

if the kids didn’t want to go consistently I’d take a stand.

and yes I absolutely benefit from the weekend off as disabled son is exhausting to care for. Swings and roundabouts though as he is unsettled for days after being with his dad.

So if I say a week notice do people think this sound reasonable? Obviously if we have no plans short notice I can accommodate but for myself if I book weekend stuff a week in advance that would be fair?

Yeah that’s more than fair.

It’s just very sad that he can’t stick to it and actually want to spend time with his children.

Is there not a time for exchanges in the court order?

Yeah but he NEVER sticks to that. He is almost always late and will message 10 mins before handover when I’ve had an hours drive to get there with the kids. I did raise it years ago when we were having this issue between court dates and the judge just said I have to have the children available if he’s late that’s not ex fault. (But I was expected to leave with plenty of time else god forbid im late then I’m breaching the order). I kind of just accept this now as if I get difficult over it he gets difficult back and is vile to the kids on his leg of the journey with them. We just go and get fast food if he’s late. It’s better for my son to have the break in the journey anyway