To go to a concert with my husband if we might be breaking up?

[AnonymousMum38]

Massively long story but recently my husband and I had an argument and I told him I don't want to he with him anymore.

It's been on the cards a long time. There has been a cycle for years where he does something I just can't tolerate, I want to leave, he convinces me to stay and acts better short term and then I feel miserable because I've been talked into staying in a shit relationship.

It's been a really difficult year for us both and he's asked me to wait until some other things settle and see how things are before making a final decision. Probably around 6 months.

He still loves me and wants it to work. We have 2 kids and a house. I'm looking at ways to live separately (he is aware) and I think I'm done.

The stupid thing is, I bought him concert tickets for Christmas and my mum had already agreed to have the children. I don't know what to do. Do we go and see if we have a nice time? He hasn't got anyone else to take, they're his present, we both like the band...

Am I being unreasonable if I say we can still go but it doesn't mean we're staying together?

Just bloody go and don't give it a second thought.

You are seeing the band not having a date night.

Mixed signals you’re giving. And not just with the concert if you go, the breaking up and getting back together. He knows you’re bluffing so you saying you’re leaving him has no effect.

Go to the concert on your own, have a great night, or take a mate. Leave your H.

Go to the concert… there is no right or wrong here and no rules. But…

Perhaps try relationship counselling for just even 4 sessions? It might help break the cycle (depending on what he does that you don’t want to tolerate- if it’s a hard no like drugs or abuse don’t go!) and at the very least will improve your communication in order that a break up is not as hard going and you feel you honestly have given it every chance for the marriage to work.

This 👆

”and see if we have a nice time”

and? If you have a nice time you wont end the marriage?

Sorry it sounds like you are keeping him hanging. You need to be firm that you want to leave the relationship and are looking for somewhere to move to, not agreeing to wait and see after 6 months when you know that's not what you want.
Same with the tickets. I think going together sounds like it would give him false hope that it's a date and part of working on things to make the relationship work - not that you still intend to leave. If he really doesn't have anyone to go with them he needs to sell the tickets.

I was in a similar situation - communication is key here.

Personally I chose a moment to have a calm and thoughtful conversation with DH where I said it felt like a shame not to go but that I needed to be clear that it didn’t mean I had changed my mind and that ultimately it was his decision (on that basis) whether he’d prefer to skip it / go alone / take someone else or go together.

We went together, but it avoided any mixed messages and gave him the autonomy to decide what was best for him with full knowledge of what it did (or didn’t) mean.

To add - we’ve been living under the same roof for 10 months now post-separation while we get divorced and sell the house.

Clear communication - especially from me as the person wanting to leave when he doesn’t want to get divorced at all - has been absolutely key to navigating it.

He was in denial at first so I even paid for a 2 hour relationship counselling session where I was clear that the objective for me was to discuss the ending of our marriage and how to navigate a difficult time and not about resolving any issues.

Personally I would strongly advise thinking about how this six month period has been framed and whether he’s holding out hope that doesn’t exist?

It was extremely painful at times to maintain such a clear boundary (the marriage is over, I won’t change my mind) when he was so obviously desperately hurt and wanting to cling on to hope and it would have been much easier in the short term to have been less clear and pussyfooted around it but clarity and honesty are really important even if it feels cruel to be kind.

Are you ending your marriage or not?

When is the concert?

You are very much unreasonable. The concert is irrelevant. What is relevant is that you decided you wanted to leave but still agreed to stay for six months when you knew his intention was to review the decision.
You are either in or out regardless of the concert.

And at the end of this 6 months....there will be something else to wait for. What do you actually want to happen because if you want to split up then you need to stop agreeing to arbitrary deadlines. The deadline is you saying you are done.

If the tickets are his present surely he gets to decide whether he goes alone, with you or with someone else and it’s not up to you to decide?

Agreed.

You dont want him in your life unless its a band you want to see.... Let him have the tickets; they are his tickets, nothing to do with you. Not your issue to solve.

Make your damn mind up, you are either done or not; not a case of ill give it 6 months, oh he wants me to stay.....

I'd suggest he goes with a friend. The risk of giving mixed signals is too great. Buy yourself a ticket for another night if you want to see the band.

The fact that you're even thinking about this and wanting to see if you have a nice time together, plus worrying about irrelevancies like the baby-sitting, makes me think you're maybe less than 100% certain about splitting, or still in "wanting things to change but also stay the same" mode.

Honestly, by the sounds of things the tickets are the least of your worries. However they are his gift. Let him go on his own or he can bring a friend or sell one. it seems like you need to make a clean cut of it.