To be terrified at upheaval of potential divorce

[howdopeopledothis]

Hi, I apologise for the length of this in advance.

To give some context: things have been rubbish for some time. There is a fairly big age gap (I am younger), which I think has affected things too as just at different life stages. I have found he's become quite grumpy and morose in recent years and whilst I can be a moody cow at times, I'm generally pretty positive. I feel like I am walking on eggshells and it's exhausting. There is love there but no romantic spark or honestly any attraction anymore.

He had a tough, traumatic childhood and clearly many issues never resolved. Depression and linked behaviours. There was infidelity (on his side). As difficult as it was, I wanted to try to make things work and they did for a good 10 years. Kind of. Now I can see in hindsight that I was just repressing a lot of trauma and that those cracks couldn't be fixed so easily. Then came the years of infertility, finally falling pregnant and going through it all over again a second time. Several failed rounds of fertility treatment. It all came to a head last week which I won't go into but it seemed to be the final nail in the coffin. We're just about speaking and maintaining civility but have had far too many unkind words exchanged in front of our child (I feel horribly guilty for that).

He's a great, committed father, does lots around the home etc and works hard. I just think things have run their course. All relationships go through their rough patches but it shouldn't take this much hard work to make things work.

First of all, I feel fucking horrible. I'm so depressed even though it's been a long time coming. I just need to say that out loud as there isn't anyone IRL I can say that to.

Secondly, where do we start with working out the logistics? We own our home but for various reasons it's highly unlikely we'd be able to sell it any time soon and if we did, it would be at a huge loss. (Work is due to happen to the communal building which is making it hard for our neighbours to sell too,). We live in an expensive city but have lived reasonably comfortably in recent years because of our joint salaries and finally achieving more security. Our child is in school and there are currently no childcare costs because we are both able to handle the drop off/collection ourselves. I don't know how we handle potentially not being able to sell our flat while really needing separate homes.

I don't really know where to start with all of this. And I'm also devastated at the prospect of not living in the same house as my child every day but I know we can't live a lie for the rest of our lives for that reason alone. I am sure that long term it would be for the best. I am a very loving person and whilst I certainly wouldn't dream of rushing into another relationship any time soon, I do so desperately want to spend the rest of my years in a happy relationship. I want my home to be my refuge, not somewhere I find myself dreading returning to on the way home from work.

So: practical steps first please? Where do we start?

What an absolute mess. 💔 Experiences very welcome and thank you for reading. Please be kind x

-Op can you buy him out, and stay were you are,
-Can you co- parent while the property sells,
-Can h move out until property sells,
-Why do you feel you have to move out,
-What's your h views on situation,

Op just some points to think about,

My friend is in the same situation op, they are co- parenting until the property can be sold, they put a plan together for there children, so housework, child care , everything put down on paper, and divvied out between them, it seems to work as long as they stick to the plan,
They have evening meals as a family with children but otherwise live separately in the home,

What do you want op, can you afford to move out, do you want too,

Thank you for this and I'm sorry for the late reply. My head has been scrambled. We do need to sit down and work out what needs to be done financially. I'm hurting so much tonight and honestly it's only my daughter keeping me going because the atmosphere between us is awful. I feel so lonely and sad. Yes co-parenting under the same roof is pretty much what we are doing. He drops off and I collect from school. We are civil around her. At the weekends we are taking it in turns to spend a day with her. We live in an expensive city and may need to look at relocating to somewhere cheaper. I just really hope we can sell our place eventually as our neighbours in building are struggling which worries me. There is so much to think about I don't even know where to start. Relocating would mean a new school and job for me too which amidst all this isn't ideal either. I don't know how others manage this.

It is her birthday party in a few weeks and we also have a holiday next month. I guess need to somehow put on a brave face as would obviously never cancel her birthday celebration and I still want to give her a little break away.

Can you jointly pay to rent a cheap 2 bedroom flat? The child and parent 1 stay in the current home for X nights a week and the child and parent 2 stay in the current home for Y nights a week. Each parent has a bedroom in the rented flat and stays there on the nights they are not at the main home with the child.
This might tide you over until you're able to sell the main home without such a big loss.

Op you say ' they atmosphere is bad' but who is creating this you or him' this needs a conversation, if the one creating sed atmosphere, well they need to reassure think the home situation as its not going to work op,
So maybe that person will have to move out ??
It's got to work, can work, your now flat mates looking after your child, not forever bt for now,

If you can get it to work, the holiday any engagements will work, you both need boundaries in place op,

Sit him down and explain this to him op, otherwise one moves out