To be annoyed at car salesman saying this……

[blythet]

Bought a new car at the weekend and overall experience was fine but now I’m kicking myself for not saying something back…. Would this annoy you or AIBU?

41 year old female, single mum with teen DD, professional career, own my own house and trading in a car to buy this new one (not wanting to sound smug but feel it’s relevant context).

The sales person was 60ish, male, old school values (telling me his wife had never worked and joking about him getting home to the dinner she’d made).

anyway…..he went away to get something and as he walked back across the showroom he shouted over in a ‘jokey’ voice “stop playing with your hair”. It just came across as very patronising and infantilising?! Or am I too sensitive. It’s hard to put into words why it bothered me so much, but it’s probably cos I know fine well he wouldn’t say it to a man.

I didn’t say anything at all. Was quite taken aback. But I made a point of continuing to play with my hair. He jokingly tapped the back of my hand and said “I told you about that”

appreciate it’s a bit of an annoying habit but wtf?! And why didn’t I say something? It was like he felt he had authority over me?

Some salesmen are patronising and not very nice. Had similar sexist shit when I went to buy a new car a few years back.

I absolutely hate being sold to and car salespeople are just the worst. They are stuck in a time long forgotten and I’m afraid the older men are just the worst of the worst.

We ended up moving away from buying a Mercedes and Audi as the sales patter was so excruciating. The car make we ended up with was classy and was sold to us in a very understated way. My advice is to feedback how you felt throughout the process and maybe dine retraining would help.

I've never heard of this, but that's an interesting idea.

I would love to buy a car completely remotely, without even having to enter a car showroom ever again.

Perhaps I could rope someone to do the Test Drive too?
That's as mortifying as the rest of it.
Well, when the Salesman (always a man) is riding shotgun with you.

I fiddle with my hair sometimes. But if a car salesman told me to stop doing it and tapped me on the back of the hand I'd have told him to shove his car where the sun don't shine.

Most men don't play with their hair in my experience, so whether he would have said it to a man doesn't really apply here, IMO.

Don’t agree with this at all. Of course it applies here, and he wouldn’t have said it to a man. It is enraging enough that it happened, without having it minimised!

YABU

You said he said it in a jokey voice and so you know he wasn’t serious - I don’t know why you’d be offended by this.

It is typically more of a joke said to men who fuss over their hair but as an older man then he likely has more banter with males than females and so I’d put it down to that.

My boss is an older man and he’s always jokingly commenting on me doing my hair and nails but he says it a lot more to our male colleague who is constantly fussing with his hair.

He was not saying anything offensive and you were being way too sensitive.
I really hate this new age of snowflakeism. It feels like some people try and find things to be offended about.

I totally get it OP.

in my last job I ordered the stationary. The man who delivered it would come in with the boxes on one of those trolley things, start to unload on to a desk and when I went to move them he’d make comments like ‘let me do that for you, you’re only a little woman’ and things like that (bearing in mind they were only toners so not particularly big).

He made a comment about me being a woman almost every time. I am sure he was trying to be helpful but my god it was so patronising,

the irony was, he was around my height (I’m in the low five feet), smoked like a chimney so was always puffing & panting and was overweight. I was easily fitter than him. Imagine if I had made a comment back! Sometimes I wish I did.

But I made a point of continuing to play with my hair WHY?

I'm confused with what exactly you were doing with your hair? My mum was abused as a child and when stressed, would nervously twist her hair. She has a bald patch at the back as a result.

Is YOUR hair fiddling some sort of nervous MH issue or you were simply putting it up? Its an odd thing for the salesman to mention, but depends if it was out of concern for a repetitive behaviour you were doing. Seems an odd thing to say and patting your head! What! Maybe a poor attempt at making small talk. Either way it all seems very odd and only going by the info you have said, we have no idea.

It was rude (regardless of gender)
It happens, and it is on them, not you
I'd like to say "don't give it another moment's thought" but these things DO wind you up. The salesman I bought my last car from was a snake, constantly deferred to my husband, despite him saying "yeah, it isn't for me though, it's my wife that you need to talk to". I bought it because it was a good price for the car I wanted and I was not letting some mansplaining slimy tosser put me off. There was a similar car at another place that had a great salesman. respectful, accurate, knowledgeable - but they never discounted, because they price matched every day, and so did I, and I knew the only way I could get it for £500 cheaper was to deal with the snake. So that's what I did. Principles cost. Mind you, I can still not go past the snake's garage (7 years later, in said car) without muttering about it, so maybe I would have been better paying the extra 😂.

That's weird and far too over familiar. I'd have gone cold on buying from him, made my excuses and left.
I once left a showroom because the salesman jokingly suggested I bring my boyfriend in to see if he liked the car first. I bought the same model from another dealership. I should have emailed them to say as much.

You were being unreasonable because you didn't pick the arrogant twat up on it.

A colleague is different to a customer though. Jokey banter between colleagues is usually fine. To attempt it with a customer you don't know is weird.

Maybe it's because I am scared of her I've never mentioned it😁

Thanks everyone, it’s definitely not something I do to look ‘cute’. I quite often do it when I’m on my own, probably more-so.
I was sitting I traffics earlier and noticed I was twisting a section of my hair round my finger. I see to do it more when I’m deep in thought….either that or zoned out/daydreaming. Which is probably true of when I was in the showroom sitting waiting for him to come back.

its definitely not a nervous/MH thing for me personally an it’s 100% not meant in a cutesy or flirty way.

it reminded me of how my own dad would have yold
me to stop playing with my hair as a child

He was flirting. Would a " at least I've got some hair to play with?" have worked?

Is YOUR hair fiddling some sort of nervous MH issue

Who cares? It's not the place of a bloody car salesman to pull her up on in it. There's no way this came from a place of genuine concern. And if it was a genuine MH issue, it would just have been incredibly embarrassing for the OP to have some tedious old bore shout across a showroom at her about it.

OP, the salesman was a cunt.

Got a point there.

I deal with one for all our car purchases who isn’t an arse and has been bloody brilliant! something I am incredibly grateful for, rightly so it would seem…

I would say that you made him uncomfortable, in a sexual way, by twirling your hair.

Its not your problem tho.

Most are interested in getting as much out of your as they can They try and sell you services, breakdown cover and warranties.