To find at-home play dates more stressful than fun because of the mess?

[mamakar]

I have two children (4 and 6). Whenever they have friends over, every single toy comes out, things get mixed up, bits get broken, someone starts “crafting” by cutting up random boxes 🙈 and then there are crumbs everywhere from snacks. It genuinely takes me hours to sort the house afterwards.

I don’t want to spend the whole time policing them (“don’t touch that / tidy this first”), and it feels awkward telling other people’s children what to do. Also if I start tidying every 15 minutes it feels like I’m giving the “time to go home” signal, like when you start clearing food at a party or the lights come on in a club 😄
Especially when the mum is there too and I actually want to sit down and have a proper chat with her rather than constantly jumping up to manage toys.

I’ve seen people suggest limiting toys or keeping playdates to one room, but how does that work in practice if your child asks for something specific (“where’s the Lego?”) and knows where everything is, or just opens the cupboard? What if they walk their friends into the other room? We’re also in a fairly small house with limited storage so I can’t really hide half the toys.

At the end of the play date there’s usually the “we really must be going” moment because of bedtime or another activity. It feels awkward to say “can you tidy up first”, and realistically the visiting child has no idea where anything lives anyway. It’s not a quick chuck-it-in-a-box situation, it’s a proper bombsite that needs sorting.

Do you have any practical systems that actually work?
How do you balance having a nice chat with mum friends without your house looking like a bomb site afterwards, and without becoming the fun-sponge mum where no one wants to come over?

You have to take better control over the things that you allow them to play with if you want to do play dates at home. Otherwise, meet up at soft play or the park.

can you be a little more specific about the control? How exactly?
Surely I’d just become the no-fun mum is I constantly say “put that back” “don’t play with this” “tidy this up, no, not like that”

What do you want to play with while ….. is here.

If ask for excess stuff say no and redirect.

Aim them to one room to play.

Theres a big range between fun sponge and carnage that you can work in.

When our children were little we had all toys in an 8 cube IKEA kallax, bar anything big like play kitchen etc.... we had a box for e.g. train track, a box for dolls, a box for crafts (up high), a box for Lego etc. plus a miscellaneous box, which all the random toys got chucked in. It made clean-up super easy.
Anything 'special' we kept in our DC bedrooms... Like a dolls house or special Lego creations. Then we just had a rule that the children had to stay downstairs to play.

Edited to add that I also labelled the boxes with a little sign that I printed off, then stuck on with sticky-backed hook & loop... So you can swap the labels around if needed.

You literally tell them what they can and can’t play with.

You have to let go of the idea of being a ‘fun mum’ because proper parenting means you can’t be at all times.

This is a strange way to look at parenthood.

Do you worry about being 'no fun mum' if they don't want to brush their teeth, have a bath, go to bed?

Give them a two toys out at a time rule and make sure they tidy up before the child goes home.

My rules when my kids were little were no crafting unless I’m supervising, food and drinks only allowed at the kitchen table and nobody is going upstairs - we have a downstairs loo and a playroom so there’s no need for them to be going all over the house. Anything delicate or that I couldn’t be bothered clearing up afterwards (Lego builds mostly) got put upstairs out of bounds.

At those ages though I expected to supervise a bit and I expected to have to clean up afterwards. If at all possible we met in the park!

yep mine used to make a massive mess with play dates, was far easier to meet up elsewhere.

I just decided it was only a few short years, gritted my teeth and got on with it. I did insist from the moment they were old enough to spread toys everywhere, they were old enough to help put them away - but that was largely a matter of principle, they weren’t much practical help really. I think you either limit playdates if you really can’t stand it, or just lean into it and lower your standards a bit.

@OoooopsUpsideYourHead
you’re confusing wanting to be a house that my kids know their friends are welcome in with boundaries that ensure their needs are met.

of course they brush their teeth etc. But I’d rather we weren’t the house that my children feel they can’t bring their friends to.

Oh now you're being really silly.

Are you saying that parents with simple rules and boundaries are all boring and no kids want to go and play at their house? 🙄

Just stop with the fun mum crap.

Kids can still have fun whilst being tidy and respectful towards your wishes.

I think you can say "let's put away X before playing with Y" and hopefully the other parent joins in too. The house will be messier after a play date but the levels you describe seem OTT. We don't craft on play dates unless it's an activity everyone is doing at the table.

I'd sometimes lock boxes away in our bedroom too if I didn't want them opened.

You decide which toys and which room can be used for the play date. If your child goes to another room or to get something else, you tell them that’s not in use today and redirect them back to the toys they can play with.

I think you’re overthinking this. To stop them dragging everything out you just cheerfully say something like “let’s tidy this away before you take out something else so we have space to play”. Or “let’s put everything away before snack. Who can pick up the most Lego?”. Or “we’re just playing in here today, we don’t need to go upstairs”. You tell your kids where & how play is happening before their guests come. We have lots of play dates here with return visitors. It’s fine to do this, doesn’t mean it’s not fun. They’re used to tidying up at school.

Why does stopping children breaking their toys, cutting up random things with scissors and spreading crumbs everywhere mean you children would feel they can’t bring their friends to your home?
Surely those are just normal rules you have day to day with your DC anyway?

My kids know that when they have friends round they have to tidy up after they’ve gone. That makes them a bit more restrained when getting stuff out, plus they learn to tidy up after themselves.

I do find my house gets much more trashed by other children who just don’t play with toys as nicely as mine so indefinitely get your frustration. But at 4 &6 there’s lots of rules you can enforce. One thing at a time, if they’re doing art they need to tidy up before Lego, no making a mess of bedrooms, no food anywhere but the table etc

You have to train up your DC first. When they know the rules then you can have friends over. Explain that having a friend over is reliant on them following the rules.

Only invite one friend at a time.

Have a few clear rules that you explain upfront and follow up on.

Look into alternative toy storage that makes tidying up as easy as possible.

Oh yeah, definitely no food away from the table. My kids have that rule anyway so I wouldn’t be loosening it when they have feral friends round!

You can discuss in advance with your kids which toys they’ll want to share, reminding them that they’ll need to tidy if more is out.

When it’s nearly hometime, clap your hands to get their attention and say something like “my goodness, time has flown! It’s nearly hometime! Time to tidy!” And jolly them into doing it then.

You and kids decide what toys to get out before hand - no additions to be added.
You tell your kids no going upstairs. Tell the play date kids no going upstairs.
Shout them down if they go up.
Say no if asked for XYZ as ABC is on offer.
About 15 mins before they are going announce tidy up time.

Your house being trashed doesn't make you the cool mum it makes you the mug mum. Kids will do shit at your house they wouldn't dream of anywhere else if you let them.

My eldest had a friend who I stopped inviting as he would never help tidy up.

Home play dates in the summer can be easier as you can dole out bubbles and outside things.

meet in museums, local soft play and park in winter

also, I found certain visiting children were more careful than others. A couple I remember got over excited and would throw toys etc. it’s a reason to keep play dates going so they learn how to play but they must be supervised and short, some times easier at this age if parents are there.

by around 7-8 they’re much calmer and sensible

You must set rules and expectations early as they take no notice by age 10-12

Also, drum in expectations when they go to others’ houses (or they’ll not be invited back!) - in all seriousness they need to learn these skills. There are children I’ve avoided having round as much as I might sometimes as they’re such hard work.

This is what I was going to say.

I've always drummed it into my kids (as my parents did with us) that you don't leave someone's house without offering to tidy up.