To ask you to help me figure out what is wrong with me?

[CustardMustard]

I’m feeling really down and I need to fix it. I hide my feelings from everyone. I’ve done counselling many times, for many years, but I always end up back in this headspace.

I had a very abusive childhood. My mum was simply awful to me. She called me names and treated me with disgust. I felt ashamed of myself, because she was ashamed of me. I threw myself at men throughout my late teens and early 20’s. This continued, even after I finally met someone who cared about me. Because who would actually care about me. My mum told me it was all a lie and he didn’t care or love me. I believed her! I was unfaithful. I was about 20 at this point. After a while, I realised that he did actually care. I married this man, and have since come clean to everything. He knows I was a broken mess when I met him.

We have children now. He has a good job, as do I. I rarely drink alcohol, but have done on occasion. I last drank a year ago, and have been tormenting myself over what happened that night, as I have some memory loss. This is way tmi, but I was found by a friend after falling asleep in a toilet. My mind has been convincing me that I was in that toilet cubicle with another man. I have felt sick with worry and felt dirty for over a year over this. I told DH straight away about my fears and he believes this is my trauma talking. I have spent hours and hours racking my brains for evidence to confirm or deny my fears of what could have happened that night. I have replayed scenarios over in my head, searching for the truth. I have thought about this every single day for over a year. I’m totally tormented with it!!! 😢

Please be gentle with me. Life is so hard right now, and I just want to find some peace.

When I was a child, I used to dream of the day when I was an adult. When I would be able to look after myself. Buy myself basic essentials, like the toiletries that I was denied. I thought life would be perfect once I could support myself. But here I am, and things are still just so hard. I know it’s my own fault. I have everything I ever wanted, but I have messed everything up.

Anyone?

I didn't want to read and run. You poor thing! Of course it's not your fault. You are just suffering from the effects of your abusive childhood. It's great that your dh understands this, but it's you who need to forgive yourself and let this go. It sounds like you are in serious need of some therapy.

Have you posted about this before?

Thank you. I pretend to everyone that I am fine. I am a happy, smiley, outgoing person, but I am well trained in that after my mums abuse. I pretended to be okay for my whole childhood, so it’s second nature. It’s because I didn’t want to cause anyone any upset, so I plaster a smile on and crack on, but underneath I am so broken and therapy has never helped. I have tried different therapists, different techniques. Sometimes it has even made me worse.

I fundamentally feel like a failure. That I have failed my husband and children and that they deserve better.

I feel like no one would like me if they knew the real me that’s hiding behind my smile.

Yes, this is because you have been programmed to feel shame. So, other people might not give this a second thought, least of all attach 'shame' to the scenario as you have done (by questioning if you were doing something 'shameful' in the toilet).

I assume you have tried CBT to try to rewire your brain?

I am sorry, this must be very hard but it is not your fault, it is how you have been programmed.

What you have written about creating the family you have made is quite the opposite of failure. That all reads like a lot of success to me.

Yes I recall this.

I did post about this around the time it happened yes. I hope that’s okay?

I think you have posted about this before? None of us can tell you, from our detached logical viewpoint, that nothing happened, but it seems pretty obvious that nothing did.

I think you need a whole lot of therapy, it all sounds incredibly difficult, and I’m sorry you’re still dealing with this.

This is all called intrusive thoughts.

Have you tried medications? It can really help with that, and with rumination.

Have you ever sought a diagnosis for something like Complex PTSD? Talking therapies don't do much for C-PTSD, but EMDR can be life changing for many people.

You're stuck in a loop, I've been there too, but meds made the changes I needed in my brain to allow the therapies to work.

I actually tried therapy again in the last year and it hasn’t helped. I feel like it brings old memories to the surface, which makes it harder for me to move forwards.

I would agree with the other posters that this has triggered previous trauma for you. You also are likely to have a strong critical voice due to previous emotional abuse & also possibly low self esteem. This is the pattern we often see (I am a Psychologist).

you say you’ve had counselling but often that is very skilled listening; it’s not therapy or skill based.

I would suggest you look for some EMDR therapy or some trauma based CBT. You will need at least a CBT therapist or a Psychologist for this- not a counsellor. They are not qualified and counselling is not regulated in the same way.

I’m sorry you are going through this. There is help out there for you.

Thank you @Superstar22. I definitely have that strong critical voice. I recognise this because my husband is the complete opposite to me and the stark contrast is quite shocking. He will never assume he has done wrong, whereas I always assume I have messed up, or been at fault in someway, even just in minor scenarios that life presents.

It’s not your fault OP, and I’m sorry you feel so low right now. Things can and will get better.