Wibu to contact my ex

[ItWasAllADreammm]

I don’t know if im not thinking straight or what but I’ve had two very close relatives to me die in the last year and I keep thinking about contacting my ex, long story short he is my children’s father but hasn’t seen them in near to 3 years, (we last spoke a year ago) I just keep thinking life is too short and worried I should try to make a relationship with him and the kids before it too late? Like will they regret not having contact with him if the worst was to happen. Maybe im not thinking straight but wibu to contact him?

Perhaps remind yourself why the kids haven't seen him in 3 years, and why he hasn't contacted you/them.

Grief is hard. I'm sorry for your losses.

I assume there is a reason he has been a waste of space as a father for the last few years so I'd say it's best to leave him to his uselessness. This is on him to fix.

One of the people was my father and I regret not having a closer relationship with him sooner. We got back in contact when I was an adult but that could never make up for the missed time. We spoke a year ago just hasn’t seen them in nearly 3 years.

It's for him to make the effort with his own children not you. Sorry for your recent losses.

Without knowing the background story, it's hard to tell. I am generally of the opinion that life is too short so, as they say - go on holiday, kiss the boy... contact your ex if you must. But do it from the position of curiousity, not hearbreak. That's the difference.

Im not wanting him back weve been split up years I guess it’s because I was NC with one of the relatives and I keep thinking that I will never get the chance to build bridges with them now, I know it’s my exes job really but I don’t like to live with regret

I'm sorry for your losses. But, if there are any regrets to be had, they are and will be his. You cannot force a relationship with someone who cannot be arsed about his DC.

Why hasn’t your ex seen his kids??

There would be a lot to go over tbh, so to summarise he just didn’t want to be involved. He would come back and start seeing them see them a few times then just stop bothering as it was too much effort for him.

I think it would be more damaging for your children to start seeing him and be building a relationship only for him to opt out again, than to keep the status quo.

I'm sorry for your losses. I'd focus on giving your kids the best life you can without the disruption of a parent who obviously doesn't really give a toss about them.

He's a deadbeat.

If your kids want to try to contact them when they're older, let them but do not facilitate them getting hurt by him again.

Im sorry for your loss. I think contacting your ex is a reactive grief response. Its his choice not to be in his childrens life.

This sums it up perfectly. And it will be his regret, not yours.

Why would you try and invite someone back into your children’s lives when that person literally can’t be bothered with them….
You owe it to your children to surround them with the best supportive people, not give multiple chances to someone who obviously doesn’t care.
Life is short, too short to bother with time wasters.

Unfortunately i have zero family so can’t surround them with people that care, maybe thats why? my dad was the only one I had the rest im NC with.

So sorry for your losses. I get where you are coming from but you are not going to get anything from contacting him except more heartbreak. He is not a proper dad and a loser. No doubt your close relative will be proud of what you have achieved without him

As it was his choice to not see his kids and was a case of he didn't want to then no I'd not contact him as if he didn't want to then he probably doesn't want to now and thats just going to hurt your children OP.

Then dont contact him. It will just cause further heartbreak and harm to the children to be repeatedly abandoned.

I am in same position OP my ex has not seen our children for 8 years. 3 are now adults. One chooses nothing to do with him, one has very minimal contact vis WhatsApp. Its his loss.

He contacted a year ago asking to see them again but too much time had passed and I asked them and they weren’t interested. Im just feeling a bit down at the moment and probably wrongly wanting to reach out to people and make amends though I know it’s not my job.

You're lonely and sad and perhaps wishing your ex was different to how he is. It's wishful thinking. He's a shit dad who can't be arsed with his kids, sorry to say it so bluntly but it is true.

Sorry for your losses. Please don't get in touch with your ex. It's obvious he doesn't care about his kids and it would be more painful for them if he got in touch and then vanished again.

He sounds like a pathetic waste of space.

It really is his loss, not your children’s. I’m sure you’re doing a great job on your own with them and can give them more love than their “dad” could ever.

I’m sorry for your recent losses💐 grief is a funny thing, but please don’t let it make you believe it’s your job to facilitate a relationship between your ex and your kids. It’s his job, and a job he simply can’t be bothered to do.

I'm sorry for your grief. Grief makes you contemplate things you wouldnt have done normally.

Please remember; he's an adult. He knows he has kids. He chooses not to see them. He is making the decision DAILY, not to see them. He is making the decision not to change the fact he isnt in touch with his children every day.

YOU CANT CHANGE THAT. All you'll do is make yourself feel worse, possibly silly, abd definitely regret that you contacted him; and you'll expose your raw grief and vulnerable state.

Do not contact your ex.

He knows what he is doing. He has the ability to change how he is acting AND HE ISNT CHANGING. Thats his accountability, his responsibility. If he wanted too, he would. He would find a way.

Your kids may want more from him, this is irrelevant - because you can't control the actions of another adult. You don't represent him, you don't speak for him, you don't control him. Dont absorb the blame for him. It doesnt sit with you. What you can do is be there for your children, if and when they raise that they are sad, you help and support them.