Would I be unreasonable to leave with my kids

[Freshhhhstart]

Hello
This could be outing so trying to keep it brief. Been together 20 years. I can't see the wood for the trees. Have suspected my OH has been cheating- no hard evidence. Things have not been right regardless of this and he has broken up with me. I have been heartbroken after weeks in limbo. I own nothing of the property. Our kids are still fairly young.
He is insistent we all stay at home as long as possible until he helps me rent somewhere else and says I am completely selfish to not think is the best for the children. I am not sure I want his help as he has been nothing but vitriolic for the last couple months.
I get it- consistency for the kids is important but I am unravelling mentally living in his home, knowing he has probably got someone else lined up and knowing we are no longer getting married or have a future and I will have to move out with the kids in the near future anyway.
He has stayed away from the family home for the last few weeks but it feels like he is dipping in and out and when I see him it is heartbreaking.
Would I be unreasonable to rent an Airbnb for me and the kids temporarily until we are rehoused or is that very selfish?
Thank you

You don't have to do anythiing on his timetable. Stay until I sort you a rental is bonkers. If you can furnish yourself and the kids with a suitable new home and you want to move then move. You might need to be realistic on the housing market in your area - maybe worth speaking to a local Estate Agent or two. Round here rentals are like hens teeth. However you are not even remotely obligated to do things to his timetable and of course it is not selfish to leave now he has broken off your relationship. It's not selfish towards the kids either. It will be hard for them over the next months because HE can't keep it in his pants and dumped you. Staying in his house is only delaying the hard, grip the bull by the horns and move on. The kids will be fine in time (divorced with a kid here!)

OP, if you’re just looking for reassurance that you aren’t being selfish, you aren’t. What’s best for the children is stability and routine and knowing what they can expect from their “new normal” - not never knowing whether or when dad will decide to come home or not and worrying that mum is going to be upset if he’s there. You can tell him as much: he isn’t putting the children first by making them live in a situation where things are uncertain.

As previous poster has said, pay for an appointment with a solicitor for advice on whether you’d be entitled to a share of the property equity based on your contributions to it, but do that alongside making the living arrangements which suit you and your children, not him.

@Freshhhhstart Can he not go to an airbnb* *until you have found a rental? If he's so worried about the children he should have suggested this himself. I think it's crazy throwing money on an airbnb and it's not great for the children either unless you are being abused but you didn't mention this.

So take a deep breath. Look for rentals close to school/nursery. Check in with cms online to see what you are entitled to if he has them one week-end eow. I don't think he'll have them more since he's not taking care of them now. I understand the overwhelming urgency to get away from him but let him be the one who keeps away until you are ready to settle. 💐

Doesn't sound like OP is married?

You're not being selfish to want to move out - I would do it asap, you don't need or want his 'help' finding somewhere! Is he generally quite controlling?

An alternative view on the situation is that from the children's perspective is that daddy has gone but not gone. Things are the same but also not the same. They aren't getting the consistency you think they are getting and sometimes it's just best to be honest with them and not draw out the process. They will be sensing the limbo and the awkwardness. They will know something has changed and it's fairer on all around to start putting plans in place for how your life is going to look outside of this relationship.

My niece was not quite 3 when her parents split up and was amazingly resilient. Her dad made her and her mum homeless so she moved in with my parents with just a weekend bag of clothes. A few days later she asked if this was where she lived now and my sister said yes.

Your obligations to your children is to provide them with a safe and happy home, a comfy bed, enough food in the cupboards and appropriate clothes. You don't have to do this dance with your ex tying yourself in knots appeasing him in the name of protecting the children.

A cynical person would suggest that he wants to be able to paint himself as the person that looked after his ex. "Even after we split i still sorted out her in a rental so she had somewhere to go"

Take control of your next step and start looking for rental to move in to

Surely he will give you money for rent for housing his children? It may be worth seeing a family solicitor on that score.

Oh I should have said his number 1 priority is ensuring he "comes off" looking like he is a decent human despite being completely unrecognisable in the last year a mixture of alcohol, social drug use, and possibly another woman and vitriol towards me

A drug taking, vitriolic cheat...

Your priority is to move out and begin the rest of your life. His opinion isnt important.

I dont see how it's selfish though. If youre leaving eventually, why wait?

Look for a rental and apply for CMS.

Best of luck.

@Freshhhhstart are you worried that he will try and find you a new place to live and then try and control your life, coming and going as he pleases? You sound desperate to get away from him which is understandable.

I think I would concentrate on finding somewhere safe and secure on your own terms, get legal advice about what you are legally owed ( as a minimum) and getting settled with the DC. Doing a flit into an Airbnb sounds quite appealing but will be expensive if you then have to wait some time for a rental.

See a solicitor and try to negotiate set visits and some ground rules. Try to take back some of the control, as this sounds like what is missing. Do you have any support of your own?

Good luck.

This doesn’t matter. You’re separating, he can portray himself as whatever he likes to his family and friends, you don’t have to spend time with them or justify yourself to them anymore. There’s no grand prize given out for who looks like the innocent party following a break up and at any rate, if he’s taking drugs and introducing new women, I’m sure those around him will be more than aware where the fault lies.

Take control of the narrative and situation. Spend the evening looking at private lets and tomorrow phone all the letting companies up and start from there.

You don't need to wait for him to give you permission. By telling you to wait whilst he sorts it he gets to continue what sounds to be an awful year.

You owe no one an explanation or justification to find you and your children somewhere suitable to live

How is that relevant?

Just move out. It’s far worse for your children to be picking up on these vibes being in the same house

So? He is single now so he is allowed to live his life the way he wants. You should focus on looking after yourself and your children. You clearly haven't done this so far or you would not have allowed 20 years to pass without getting your name on the deeds of the house.

Focus on yourself. If you are financially secure look for a suitable house to rent. What more do you want from this thread?