Older Teenage son, no drugs or alcohol involved....but a very, very deep thinker. Lots of surgery as a child and has recently had more (so I apprreciate is convalescing and feeling sensitive)
He has a difficult relationship with his dad and we have a small family. Both local family members are elderly & not really in our lives unless I am helping them out (this isn't due to their age/illness-this has alwsys been how it is) our family unit consists of myself and two children. My son notes openly about our family being us 3 or now 4 with my partner.
I have close friends and the children see healthy friendships there, but we dont openly socialise with groups so they dont experience it a lot, we arent part of s churxh fsmily and we dont really have any input from lots of people. Ive hsd to work full time and i have a disability to afterwsrds im absolutely exhausted. As a result, i think my children are quite shy and i feel horribly guilty as I maybe havent prepared them with very robust social skills.
My son has always been old for his years, both in thoughts and size! He has struggled with friendships since secondary school...often trying so hard to fit in and although i admire that he has such loyalty and care for others, he has been really unlucky, gets taken advantage of and generally I think needs older friends...which havent been easy to find.
At school, teachers used to sort of befriend him, manager at his part time job has taken to him & this sort of thing. This pushes his peers further away from him as understandably they think he is teachers pet or being a suck up. These srent friendships but older people enjoy his company but the dynamic is often awkward.
For years and years he has asked me "why people are so shallow or mean", "why they dont do what they say they will", "why they talk for an hour about mundane stuff" and why he gets ignored, missed out, not invited.
He says i am the only proper friend he has to talk to. I am his mum...i worry that this cant be healthy. He seems to have the world on his shoulders! All of the time. Ive thought carefully about my parenting. Iv3 been careful not to discuss money/ housing / work etc etx with him and dont think ive ever burdened him but i worry that he has picked up too muxh from my tiredness and that my mum skills havent been enough to give him confidence in himself.
The friends he has had in the past have often been very troubled. He seems to attract them like a big brother would. He is kind, gentle, thoughtdul and reliable. These friends appear to pick him uo when they want a lift home, (pissed) or they want someone to talk to late at night etx etc but then disappear for weeks. He then sees them in groups and he is never invited, not once.
A classic recently was a small group at college who started tslking abiut food they liked. He said he listened and then agreed then laughed along with everyone...but he then wanted to talk abiut the nutritiinal values🫥and everyone stared at him. I imagine they did...! At 17, most of them are goimg out drinking, messing about, having "fun". He doesnt drink and is exercise mad...i think they all think he is weird and dont wsnt him to join in as in the past they said its like taking their "dad" along😔
This happens all of the time and it breaks my heart.
He is partially deaf so can't hear a lot of banter. I think this makes a big differenxe to friendships as he simply misses whats going on...like all the little bits and pieces that bond people?
Partly due to personality.. but partly through conditioning, (his only chance to join in is when it's only quite indepth conversation that requires other person to speak, listen and reflect in fsirly quiet backgrounds) it's left him isolated and lonely.
He has had to give up swimming, contact sports and muxh of what he loves due to illness and surgery.
We have been through losing all his friends in school, when the group started smoking. He is massively against drink and drugs.
He had a disastrous year on an apprenteship course ... He then started a new college doing A levels, and now seems FIXED on the idea he has wasted a year.
Ive met some of the people he hangs out with and they seem ok!! But next to him they seem so young and giggly(i can see he doesn't fit in and i see the pain on his face about this)
He does not think he is better than anyone else or have any sort of belief that would make him seem arrogant. Its NOT that..but i can see why other kdis find relating to him diffucult...because he is different..older!
He is a bit unusual in that for instance today, we went into town and whilst people his age are wearing baggy jeans, white trainers and sweatshirts etc...he was wearing walking trousers, crocs and a lumber jacket. He doesnt care, again whixh i admire, but i think it pushes him apart from his peers. He wanted to be comfortable so i left him to it wearing what he wanted.
Pleaee, idont want him to be a different person or to try to mould himself etc but he has been very low for some years.
Its startesd to worry me.
We have tried a few ideas for meeting new people ie sports groups or through work but it hasn't made a difference.
He has a girlfriend who is lovely ..but off to uni a year before him. He is utterly devoted to her and they have alrrady been discussing a house togtjer and marriage in the future. Its intense...and he has declined thought of a degree course further away, and has limited his career options as will now ONly look at uni with her. I am worried (quietly) that he has put all his heart into this relationship and that th3 same will happen as it has for the last 8 years..and i can see him being left alone. He often says he is alone anyway and again this is quite heart breaking.
I am usually his only point of contact day and night. Often i will be quietly hiding at the end of the day and trying to decompress and he appears at 11pm wanting to discuss minute details of a college course he has seen or showing me memes on his phone...my heart aches for his loneliness and I dont know what to do to help him.
We have had years of " sometimes you just have to keep on" or "doors open, doors close" etc etc but the last week...even im running out of positivity.
Honestly, for him, often the world is an uphill, fruitless battle. Today i completely understood why he is so down.
Today has been utterly awful for him.
He wont speak to a GP about depression. He eats really really well, exercises a lot, he saved up for all his own driving lessons and bought himself a car. He is a kind, really enagaging, helpful, kind and all round super human but i am exhausted. Some pointers to keep me bouyant would be wonderful.
Everything seems to be a continual struggle for him.
(I have another, younger teenager who is completely different) i adore both of them! X