I want to pull back from best friend whilst she is going through a bad time… AIBU!

[Letterstojuliet]

I feel bad but I need to vent my feelings and see what others think.

I have a life long best friend who is going through a very turbulent uncertain time at the moment who is needing a lot of support from me. This is not a one off situation and she has had a bit of a rough time the past few years, where I have always been a listening ear. She is also there for me if I need it, however I’d say I need her a lot less.

I’m in my 3rd trimester of being pregnant whilst also having small children and (this is where the AIBU comes in) I’m starting to feel like I’m struggling with supporting my friend whilst just about keeping my head above water as it is. Although my issues and worries are never “as bad” as hers I feel this tiny bit of anxiety in me every time I see her text, call or video call me.

She had a whirlwind romance a few years ago with resulted in moving in, marriage and a baby within a year of knowing each other and he has turned out to be a cheater and not very nice. They want to divorce but also do not want to divorce - so it’s been a back on forth since 2024. 95% of our conversations are about him and I’m just feeling a bit trapped.

I do not want to lose her as a friend but also sometimes just want a few days without messaging someone or “I need you” messages.

We’ve been friends since about 4 years old

you’re not being unreasonable, you’ve got a lot going on in your own life and it’s okay to need to be a bit selfish sometimes. I see it that you have 2 options

1. tell her how you’re feeling, that you always want to support her but that you’ve got a lot going on and need a bit of breather from her drama. If she’s a good friend she’ll understand that
2. just slow down on replying, don’t feel like you need to reply or answer the phone within 10 mins, either don’t reply until you really are ready or just drop a message and say hey sorry I can’t get to this right now and want to properly reply so I’ll look at your message later but sending big hugs ❤️

Thank you. I do feel like I have a right to be a bit selfish at the moment like you say. I’m finding it all a bit overwhelming and it is partly becuase I do care about her so much I feel like I’m leaving her in the lerch if I don’t reply.

I think I’ll do option 2 for now and if I feel like boundaries are crossed I’ll do option 1 and be honest with her.

So she's steamrolled through life with little thought for the consequences of her actions and despite you being heavily pregnant she expects you to 'support' her in her disastrous decision making?
Personally I would tell her to either divorce him or shut up about it- if she wants to offload on you it's £25 per hour (or whatever a local therapist charges!) because I would not be listening to it anymore.

I think that you do need to nicely tell her that you can't keep listening to the same stuff over and over and that she needs to make a decision about her DH. I did have to tell somebody that after hearing the same old crap year in year out I literally told them to not talk about it unless there was something new to say.

Also, I agree with PP. Just withdraw a bit. Don't respond immediately if at all. Put your phone on silent. Don't pick it up at night. There are loads of things you can do to cut it down a bit.

Yes and no, I’d say half of her issues are self caused and half of her issues are definitely not her fault.
I just feel like we’re going around in circles and I’m starting to feel a bit of resentment which I feel incredibly guilty about! But also need to focus on myself too as it’s not all sunshine and roses for me

I’ve been there. Sounds very similar to my ex best friend. I ended up cutting contact rather than be drawn into her neverending chaos.

I had to eventually tell a friend a while back that unless she changed something, nothing would change... so I wouldn't be discussing the issue any further unless she made a decision about it. She did try a couple more times to bring it up but I just said "have you decided yet? sounds like nothing has changed since last time?" and then changed the subject. Finally, eventually, she texted me to say that she had made her decision and had followed through on it.

I actually think that being a good friend and listening to her moan about the issue for so long while making sympathetic noises made her feel like she was doing something about the issue, but in fact it was keeping her stuck.

Yeah I had a best friend like that. Had being the operative word. It’s really hard when it’s someone you have known since school.

I'd tell her that you're really struggling with anxiety and being pregnant with young DC so needs some space. I don't think anything else will work, if she doesn't know you need some space from it she will carry on saying she needs you and you will carry on feeling like you need to respond to support her.

I had a friend like this, kept messaging me whilst my son nearly died and was in the ICU with her problems. Told her that while I wanted to help I had bigger concerns and that she needed to back off for a bit, she apologised and reliesed she fucked up, and we are still friends today.

Thank you everyone. It is definitely a “nothing changes if nothing changes” situation. It’s like she acts so shocked at hurt when he does the same thing that he’s already done 10 times and I sometimes want to say “are you really surprised?”

I think I’m going to do the take a while to respond approach and if she still continues I will just tell her that I need space.

It’s hard as young kids are involved but then she got pregnant within weeks of knowing the guy, unprotected so it wasn’t a shock as such.

Honestly I'd probably start to pull back on being so available.... you are going to have a newborn soon as well which just adds to how unavailable you'll be out of oure necessity. You dont need to lose a friendship but it's really easy to not answer the phone and then text her later and say "Sorry up the walls with the kids" or "Sorry I missed you, struggling to juggle being so pregnant and life, will call you at the weekend"

Just start becoming less available. And she'll hopefully get the message.

You sound like a good friend but everyone has their limits and you are not her therapist. Its OK to pull back. I do think you are going to have to be a bit more direct with her. If this has been going on for years then she is stuck in a toxic cycle she can't get out of or maybe doesn't see. It might take you saying it to her to make her realise.

I agree, another poster also said if I allow her to continue to cycle with me she might not realise how much she needs to change things

When things get a bit hectic I suddenly have a "family chrisis" I have to go to and am in such a hurry to leave that I "forget" to take my usual phone. That gives me a few days peace. When I eventually return I am still involved in the chrisis and very slow to respond. Removing yourself from the scene of the action (whether physically or psychologically) is the way to go. Needy people will find someone else to get their claws into.

Me too. And I echo everything you said.
💐 to the OP and everyone else who has been here.
it's really shit.