Husband didn’t like how I looked on our wedding day

[PeppyDenimSheep]

I’m not sure if I’m being overly sensitive or if I’m justified in feeling upset about this.
I got married last year and we only recently received our wedding photos. When we sat down to look through them together for the first time, there were lots of pictures of me getting ready with my bridesmaids before walking down the aisle. Obviously, my husband hadn’t seen any of that because he wasn’t in the bridal suite but when those photos came up, he quickly skipped past them without looking. I asked him to go back because I wanted to see them, there were special moments, like my mum helping me into my dress.
As he looked through some of the photos of me in my dress before I walked down the aisle, he said, “Jesus, there are SO many of you, you’re really playing up to the camera.” I actually found the wedding morning quite awkward. I hate being the centre of attention and I’m not a naturally “posey” person and he knows that. Having constant photos taken was outside my comfort zone but the photographer guided me and reassured me I would like how they turned out. Surprisingly, I actually liked the photos of myself, which is rare because I’m usually very self critical. My husband also made remarks about how the photographer seemed to focus on me all day and must have “loved” me. We had a husband-and-wife photography team, so it wasn’t a guy being creepy with me. I explained that photographers typically take more photos of the bride because of the dress, hair, makeup, and flowers, that’s just standard for weddings.

This isn’t the first time he’s made comments like that. In the lead-up to the wedding, he would say things like, “How comes you get a bridal suite? Why don’t I get a groom’s suite?” or make comments that he and his best man would be getting ready in a cleaning cupboard. He also said he could already tell the wedding would be “all about you.” Anyone who knows me knows I’m not that type of person.
A few days later, we showed the wedding photos to some family. My aunt asked him what he thought when he first saw me walking down the aisle and whether my dress was what he imagined. He replied, “I thought it was just a dress.” That comment, combined with the earlier ones, really upset me.
It’s also brought back other things from the wedding that didn’t bother me at the time because I was in such a happy bubblem, but now they do. The night before the wedding, he stayed up drinking with friends until 4 a.m. On the morning of the wedding, we had planned to exchange letters and asked the photographer and videographer to capture it. When my bridesmaid handed me his letter, I opened it in front of everyone with cameras pointed at me. (I already felt awkward being the centre of attention). When I opened it, it was actually a birthday card with a kids cartoon on the front and the word “birthday” crossed out and replaced with “wedding.” Inside, it just said, “To (my name), love (his name).”
People I’ve spoken to say he’s just being a typical man, that men don’t care about these things. I understand that and at the time, none of it really bothered me. But after the comments about me “playing up to the camera,” it’s made me rethink everything. Now I can’t seem to get it out of my head.

Am I being too sensitive?

OP says he's the one who wanted a bigger wedding. So, he could have opened his mouth. Doesn't appear to have a problem doing that now, does he. Complete wanker of a man.

Fucking hell what have I just read? This is so sad 😞

Im really sorry OP, but you have made a really big mistake marrying this man-child. Is he Jay from The Inbetweeners?

I don’t think many men are quite as into all the little wedding details as much as the woman is, but all the men I know have been blown away by their new wives on their wedding day. I dont know any men who would say such horrible things to their wife.

So what are you going to do about this? (You don’t need to answer, but you do need to really think about it)

This ⬆️.
No man in my life would behave like this! Most of us are with proper, adult, mature men, thankfully.
This one is a total loser.

He could just look at the pictures and say she looked nice, how hard is it to do that? It's not like he has to admire them every day, just a bit of common curtesy. They are newly married even if he's not excited about the wedding pictures you might think he could bring himself to indulge his new wife a bit. Or does everyone have to be brutally honest theses days no matter who you hurt?

Please ignore QuinqueremeofNiveneh @PeppyDenimSheep as he's just being antagonist. Hmm wonder why?

He is a horrible man and I fear will only get worse. Do you have DC?

That's so unkind of him, op. He sounds really immature and self centered, you deserve better. I hate the fact that he puts you down but he does it in a way that makes you seem like the problem...ie getting too many photos, the focus being on you...he's grinding you down. Have you told anyone else about it other than the people saying thats a typical man. My dh never behaved that way and he'd be gone if he did.

It's possible that he is like this as an individual, and looking at the wedding being more a focus on the bride (which is 💯 % true when you look at it objectively), out of his comfort zone, etc.

My husband wanted to elope to a beach. Just the two of us. No frills. Aside from that, he has quirks that I found odd, and if I stop to think ...would still find odd. But he's secure enough to share with me....and I have accepted.

The main thing is....What's driving his behaviour? You need to ask him. Listen and if appropriate share your feelings.
It's all relative, with so much else only you know. Is he a good partner, otherwise....etc.

Once again I marvel about how damaging weddings are, and if any loveliness is worth the risk of the multitude of negative issues they bring.

They are pitched as a celebration of love that brings families together, but the modern day reality is that they generate months of stress and anxiety, enormous expense, upset for many for a number of reasons, opulence and attention seeing, jealousy , resentment...I could go on.

The ' poor behaviour by wedding guests' thread just shows that people these days are just not suited to such an old fashioned concept and ceremony.

Oh, love. I’m sorry, but it sounds as if there’s a ‘boiling frog’ level of day-to-day meanness if the reaction to what you’ve related comes as such a shock.

he KNEW that the photographer would be capturing your reaction to that card. He KNEW, and still thought his hilarious ‘joke’ was worth more than your feelings. And he made sure that there’d be at least one photograph of your crestfallen face in your wedding album to offset all the beautiful bridal portraits. What a prick.

Don’t have kids with this absolute walloper because there’ll be more of the same ‘Daddy is the big man round here’ in store for them.

’were?’

I guarantee this man will end up emotionally abusing you, he’s already started.

And to add to this plenty of women don’t care about this stuff. Everything that you’ve listed on your post is everything that’s wrong with wedding IMO and why I’ll never get married. But that’s my personal opinion and how I want to live my life. The whole concept of a white-ish wedding dress you wear once and having your make up done etc is hell on earth for me. So I will happily opt out of it and have chosen a partner who shares my world view.

OP however seems to be simultaneously dismissive of it all (eg swapping letters but saying it was awkward) but yet organised it all. In the nicest possibly way was the partner consulted on how he wanted his wedding day to be. It sounds like you just did things one way assuming it was the standard approach without actually discussing it.

I don’t think your partner did anything wrong. It’s just a single day and doesn’t define your relationship. Unless you want it to… it’s on you to decide

God he’s horrible, he’s actively jealous of the attention you get, actively competed with you and tried to humiliate you. I can’t for the life of me think why you were in a happy bubble as he degraded you. He couldn’t even bring himself to compliment you when your aunt asked.

i am sorry but id also assume he does this as standard, doesn’t want you getting attention or looking good and wants to put you down. I see you’re at pains to keep saying you don’t want attention and are not thay kind of person.

there is nothing wrong with wanting attention on your wedding day, this freak has you thinking there is.

utterly horrible, death by a thousand cuts, your self esteem must be on the floor.

Just wow.

That's not how a husband is supposed to talk to / about his wife. Sorry, op. Sounds like you married the wrong guy. He's horrible.

He sounds actually quite unpleasant.

The card thing is cringe and I can see why someone might do the silly childish card without a proper message….

HOWEVER, add this to all the other comments about you loving being the centre of attention, getting the best suite, implying you’re vain, deliberately saying “it’s just a dress” (that comment was absolutely said on purpose to hurt you and ensure you don’t get ‘too big for your boots’).

He obviously resents you getting attention so is doing all he can to ensure you are put in your place. He seems to be implying you think you’re better than him (I’m sure you don’t) and wants to undermine you. Bizarre, because you don’t come across as vain or attention seeking.

My guess he is insecure and sees criticism where there is none. He has a fragile ego and cares too much what people think. I would bet my house this is the tip of the iceberg and that there are other red flags which all point to a fragile ego and jealous nature.

I’m sorry but I don’t imagine he will ever become a good partner to you. As other people have said, it may be time to walk away from this one. No shame in it. Think of all the miserable years you will be saving yourself.

If he is making arguably one of the most important days of your lives together, a chance to moan, gripe and be deeply unpleasant, I think you have your walking parade of red flags right here. I actually don’t think it matters what he’s like usually, it sounds like that will be on his terms. He’s deeply selfish and entitled and at some point those flaws will lead to more.

Sorry but I’d be rethinking the marriage and being more open to your family about his behaviours.

He sounds absolutely horrible.

Have you heard of the sunk costs fallacy? You might think you've spent a lot on the wedding and might think about what's expected, but it's your life and in your position I'd be off like a shot.

He doesn't like you. He wasn't happy to marry you. He doesn't think you should be treated well - all he thinks about is how he should be treated.

Far better to get out of this early on - he really isn't going to improve.

Edited to add link: Understanding The Sunk Cost Fallacy In Relationships

Are you sure this man loves you?

I want to give you a hug. I have never heard of a man like this being jealous of the attention the bride gets. That’s normal for a wedding. I can’t believe he’s resenting the size of his room and the number of photos you had. He does not sound very nice, sorry. What a dreadful thing for him to say about your dress.

Or maybe he just doesn't really care about weddings? Maybe he doesn't feel like saying the cliches that are expected of him? Maybe he really loves his wife when she's making a cup of tea in her tatty dressing gown at home on a Monday morning and sees her as beautiful then? Or maybe he doesn't think like that at all, and she's his pal and companion, and he's not romantic and not inclined to give compliments. It's OK to be like that!

The card thing was obviously off the scale petty, immature, incondsiderate, whatever. But none of us are perfect, are we? I see the letters as a ridiculous, empty, meaningless stunt for the cameras. Maybe he did too?

The thing is, being a good husband doesn't mean being a brilliant groom or saying all the right things. (In my opinion!) And we really, really know nothing about him beyond his negative reactions to the wedding.

Oh Jesus OP.

Your posts sent shivers down my spine!

It’s sooooo similar to how my husband behaved. I won’t labour the point but he is worse and worse as time went by. I’m stuck in my situation because I have a severely disabled child. You can guess who does all the care in this situation.

As a for instance re the wedding and wedding photos.. his brother was his best man - BIL was effusive about my dress (it was lovely though I also see I probably should have picked something different so my mother couldn’t comment on it being strapless and slipping down a bit). He was complimentary about me. My PILs never said anything nice to or about me. Nor did my own parents. I definitely did not look that bad!

My husband .. there’s a photo of him seeing me coming down the aisle - and he’s laughing. He said it’s because he couldn’t believe what I was wearing and thought “what the fuck is she wearing” because he decided I should be wearing something simple (he didn’t say that before the wedding btw) because I’m not into dressing up (I’m quite into gardening/walking etc so don’t bother in regular day to day life but I’ve never thought I should wear a boiler suit down the aisle. It was just a wedding dress!!! (An Ian Stuart dress if anyone remembers him)

And that’s not the only thing but a “for instance”. Another being he said the wedding day was, for him, solely about his speech going well (after the wedding he told me that and writing the speech was the only thing he did for the wedding except visit the venue with his parents, by themselves without me, to change some things I’d arranged). .

He also said (a few months after we were married) he didn’t realise wedding vows contained the “forsaking all others” vow because he didn’t want to…..(I promise I am NOT lying or exaggerating).

His favourite photo from the wedding is of him on his own..

When people ask if there were signs before behaviour like your husband’s.. there’s always is. But the problem is that you don’t see it in the exact same light until you do.. the benefit of hindsight!

Think long and hard before having children. If a man is “just being a bit of a bloke” in not wanting a fuss blah blah he’s also most likely to think child-rearing is for women too. Sleep is for men because they do “big jobs” etc.

Don’t become me OP.

Obviously I don’t know your husband but let me tell you again… if there is a person who thinks that they need to be front and centre- even if it’s just in terms of your attention- the only way it changes is if/when they get that attention elsewhere.

I am sorry about this shit from him OP. You are not overreacting and I’d advise proceeding with caution with this man in big life decisions.

I agree with every other poster who said this man does not like you. Once you see it you can’t unsee it and you will notice more and more.

Your husband sounds awful and his responses are cold.
No excuse for that at all, he sounds very dismissive of you.
But did he actually want a large wedding with all the extras?
Could it have spiralled out of control during the planning, and now he's worried about how you're going to pay it all off?