Husband didn’t like how I looked on our wedding day

[PeppyDenimSheep]

I’m not sure if I’m being overly sensitive or if I’m justified in feeling upset about this.
I got married last year and we only recently received our wedding photos. When we sat down to look through them together for the first time, there were lots of pictures of me getting ready with my bridesmaids before walking down the aisle. Obviously, my husband hadn’t seen any of that because he wasn’t in the bridal suite but when those photos came up, he quickly skipped past them without looking. I asked him to go back because I wanted to see them, there were special moments, like my mum helping me into my dress.
As he looked through some of the photos of me in my dress before I walked down the aisle, he said, “Jesus, there are SO many of you, you’re really playing up to the camera.” I actually found the wedding morning quite awkward. I hate being the centre of attention and I’m not a naturally “posey” person and he knows that. Having constant photos taken was outside my comfort zone but the photographer guided me and reassured me I would like how they turned out. Surprisingly, I actually liked the photos of myself, which is rare because I’m usually very self critical. My husband also made remarks about how the photographer seemed to focus on me all day and must have “loved” me. We had a husband-and-wife photography team, so it wasn’t a guy being creepy with me. I explained that photographers typically take more photos of the bride because of the dress, hair, makeup, and flowers, that’s just standard for weddings.

This isn’t the first time he’s made comments like that. In the lead-up to the wedding, he would say things like, “How comes you get a bridal suite? Why don’t I get a groom’s suite?” or make comments that he and his best man would be getting ready in a cleaning cupboard. He also said he could already tell the wedding would be “all about you.” Anyone who knows me knows I’m not that type of person.
A few days later, we showed the wedding photos to some family. My aunt asked him what he thought when he first saw me walking down the aisle and whether my dress was what he imagined. He replied, “I thought it was just a dress.” That comment, combined with the earlier ones, really upset me.
It’s also brought back other things from the wedding that didn’t bother me at the time because I was in such a happy bubblem, but now they do. The night before the wedding, he stayed up drinking with friends until 4 a.m. On the morning of the wedding, we had planned to exchange letters and asked the photographer and videographer to capture it. When my bridesmaid handed me his letter, I opened it in front of everyone with cameras pointed at me. (I already felt awkward being the centre of attention). When I opened it, it was actually a birthday card with a kids cartoon on the front and the word “birthday” crossed out and replaced with “wedding.” Inside, it just said, “To (my name), love (his name).”
People I’ve spoken to say he’s just being a typical man, that men don’t care about these things. I understand that and at the time, none of it really bothered me. But after the comments about me “playing up to the camera,” it’s made me rethink everything. Now I can’t seem to get it out of my head.

Am I being too sensitive?

I think this is a LTB situation. You're hooked in now, married with the big wedding (that he's now put a dampner on) and he'll get more and more comfortable to be shitty with you, and over time the nice, generous gestures will diminish. The only big lifestyle stage left is pregancy/ children at which point you would be permanently emeshed with him even after a separation.

You deserve better than a lifetime, or at least many years with a man that doesn't like you.

@PeppyDenimSheep
The most important thing is that you don't take it personally.
Yes, he doesn't like or love you - but that is not about you.
He is not capable of liking or loving any woman.

Some men just hate women - all women.
It can come as a shock to realise this.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU.
None of this is your fault, you are not to blame for anything.
He just doesn't like women.

@PeppyDenimSheep How did you meet him? What was the courtship like? What about his previous relationship history? I wonder if he was rotten to you before and you thought he'd change after the wedding, or you felt a sense of obligation after all his grand gestures?

Run for the hills. Now.

When you say "our friends" what's the ratio between his friends and yours? How does he treat partners of his mates?

I hate to write this, and apologies if anyone else has already said this, but I couldn't read through 30 pages of comments. When I read your posts I wondered have you ever suspected that your husband could be gay and trying to hide this? I got suspicious with you saying he wanted the big wedding and wanting to appear to other people to be treating you well

This seems a big stretch.

Excellent one sentence summary. Nails it.

Again, did you read OP post where HE wanted a bigger wedding so all his friends could come. Presumably the ones he was drinking with until 4am.

I’m assuming that poster is a man. Or has nil emotional intelligence to not be able to see the intent behind the comments.

@PeppyDenimSheep

The BustyLaRoux Comment nailed it 💯

In essence you married an inflated-ego owning, big gesture performative, posing, demeaning, nasty, little Jekyll and Hyde CUNT.

It will never get better in the long run.
Get your affairs in order and LEAVE. 💯

He shouldn't be horrible to you any of the time, swearing at you and calling you names are not acceptable ways to behave.

He is all about show, the gifts, the wedding, the trips away.

You know deep in your heart he's not the man for you. I know these replies and your realisation will be painful. I hope you find the strength to move on.
Do not let him, your family or friends convince you otherwise.
He has the emotional maturity of a 14 year old.
You deserve so much more than this.

Please don't try to justify it. Hundreds of people agree here. Nice flowers and anniversary gifts, or a big salary, will do nothing to compensate you for the awful existence you'd have if you stayed with him. Do not try to find an excuse for his behaviour. I have read both your posts. He's a disgusting, useless, selfish prick. Do you want to be with a man who could never support you through your bad times? (or even good ones, really) Move on. And please work on your self-esteem, so you don't fall for some other cunt just like him later on.

Have you both discussed the day? Does he have frustrations regarding the cost, the experience, and his feelings?
I would dislike a wedding day filled with showy, extravagant displays of affection, but I would never agree to such a thing. I agree, he sounds incredibly resentful of the day and of how little attention was paid to him. Have you asked him why he didn't speak up and say this wasn't what he wanted?
Does he have any redeeming qualities?

"Pretty much every comment on this thread is people saying he doesn’t even like me let alone love me, people that know us in real life say he is “unhealthy obsessed with me”"

This is slightly worrying OP - because I think he will therefore make it very difficult for you to leave him.

An unhealthy obsession with you, although he doesn't seem to actually care for you or your well-being, and is in fact emotionally abusive to you - that's a dangerous combination. He probably wants a "picture perfect wife" to make grand gestures for, in front of his family and friends, and seem like the perfect husband, but god forbid you have any needs or emotions yourself!

Please be careful, and whatever you do, do not get pregnant, because you'll be tied to him forever, and he will make your life hell.

Take care of yourself.

My husband hated the idea of getting married in a church. I said I would not feel married if anywhere else. So we did, we did most of the arranging and I compromised saying he did not have to wear a morning suit. We both enjoyed the day although he said it was a little stressful. He commented "that I looked beautiful when he saw me in church" I'm not beautiful but he felt I was and told other people that I was after when wedding chat came up.
I think you should serioulsly think about your situation and about What YOU want. As only you can judge it. Do not worry about what others think/or will think.
Good luck.

Well I am glad MN has helped you see him for what he is. But I am obviously gutted for you to find yourself in this situation. I was worried my post may be too blunt and have you run in the other direction and say “he’s really not that bad!!” (I have been there).

So now you see him. Grand performative gestures just to be perceived to be an amazing guy by others. Fragile ego needing constant praise and attention. Putting you down to make himself feel bigger. It won’t get better.

It isn’t your fault. He probably love bombed you and made you feel amazing. Your friends and family reinforcing what a catch he is, how envious they are! The boiling frog analogy is very apt.

It’s really positive you’ve clocked him for what he is. It’s painful, yes. But it’s the first step. Well done you! Some people take years and years (and end up utterly broken) to get to this stage. You’re here!

So now what?

The hard part now is keeping up the momentum. Trust me. It will be very easy to slip back into the old ways. Ignoring what you now know. Letting him
be nice to you, charm you, remind you why you fell for him. You’ll tell yourself he isn’t that bad. It’s not like that all the time. And maybe some of this is your fault too…… it’s a trap!!! Your brain will probably want to take the easier path. The one where you don’t throw a grenade at your life! The one where he can make everything OK again and you can slip back into the rhythm of the comfortable life you have and let yourself be loved and cared for. But you’ll know inside it isn’t real. It’s just for show. And it’s temporary. It will blow up again. You’ll decide to leave. Then you’ll lose momentum and end up staying and telling yourself it’s OK really. On repeat. Don’t fall for it.

Talk to your friends and family. Make it real. Tell them what is happening. It’s harder to stay once other people know what you know. It’s embarrassing. You may even feel ashamed that you married him. But tell them. They would want to know. They love you. My friends have been an amazing sounding board. No one judged (apart from one person!) and no one pushed me. But the unanimous opinion was “you deserve better. It’s not your fault. How can we help? We are here if you need us”

Look into the Freedom Programme. Not all of it is applicable. I remember thinking “but he isn’t like how you describe”. But it is helpful and empowering.

It’s hard, but doable. Each hurdle can be overcome. Small steps. Remember: this will pass. A year from now you will feel strong and empowered if a little battered emotionally. You’re young and you have so much to look forward to without this ass hat of a man bringing you down. You don’t need fancy holidays and grand gestures. Repeat: he is not a good man.

I am absolutely rooting for you. If ever you want to DM me, please do so. If not then good luck sister!!!! You can do this! 💪

Hes not unhealthily obsessed with you hes completely controlling every aspect of your life, and his fear ironicly will be you leaving him so he makes you feel rubbish so you wont leave...obsession is control to make you his, unfortunately you looked stunning in your wedding dress and other men saw you which means you could leave him...an ugly sad useless worthless fat no confidence or self esteem woman will stay as no other man will want her.....a woman who looks ugly in her wedding dress wont leave as oh but he loves me, this is the best i can get he loves me he takes me on nice holidays and he doesnt take you on nice holidays he takes himself, if you asked him to take you to a place he didnt want to go he wouldnt go....he doesnt love you you are his possession

Sounds like he cares more about money than you Op. Big gestures are meaningless if he treats you with contempt.

Sounds very much like my ex!!!

@BustyLaRoux is right, @PeppyDenimSheep - it won’t get any better - if anything, it will get worse, I am pretty sure of that. Can you live like this for the rest of your life? I think you deserve better.

Recently it was ds1 and his lovely wife’s fourth wedding anniversary, and she showed me the letter he wrote her, and it was beautiful - so heartfelt and full of admiration and love for her. There are men out there like this - he shows his love for her every day, treasures her, supports her, praises her - and you deserve the same - please go and find it.

Wishing you strength to decouple from this man.
He will not bring you happiness.
It’s hard to believe that one has made such a big error but we all do in various ways the folly is to not act on it when you know. Act as calmly and deliberately as you can. Feel sorry for him that you are going to leave him but just assure him you need more than an outward show you need trust and happiness and unfortunately he is unable to give that. Just whack it to him.

An unkind person will never learn to be kind. This is your future - I couldn’t bear it, you need to look after yourself because this man will not become nicer.

OP I didn't want to read this and run, your posts have made me feel so sad for you, though I'm sure that's not what you want. I really hope that you work things out for you and whatever you decide to do it is for you and your benefit so you will be happy, wishing you lots of luck.

Brilliantly articulated @BustyLaRoux !!

@PeppyDenimSheep Sadly, I really would encourage you to start working out your exit strategy before you loose yourself too much.

He will not change and he is showing you who he is.

He may well get nasty if/when you leave too, so do prepare for that and protect yourself.