Husband didn’t like how I looked on our wedding day

[PeppyDenimSheep]

I’m not sure if I’m being overly sensitive or if I’m justified in feeling upset about this.
I got married last year and we only recently received our wedding photos. When we sat down to look through them together for the first time, there were lots of pictures of me getting ready with my bridesmaids before walking down the aisle. Obviously, my husband hadn’t seen any of that because he wasn’t in the bridal suite but when those photos came up, he quickly skipped past them without looking. I asked him to go back because I wanted to see them, there were special moments, like my mum helping me into my dress.
As he looked through some of the photos of me in my dress before I walked down the aisle, he said, “Jesus, there are SO many of you, you’re really playing up to the camera.” I actually found the wedding morning quite awkward. I hate being the centre of attention and I’m not a naturally “posey” person and he knows that. Having constant photos taken was outside my comfort zone but the photographer guided me and reassured me I would like how they turned out. Surprisingly, I actually liked the photos of myself, which is rare because I’m usually very self critical. My husband also made remarks about how the photographer seemed to focus on me all day and must have “loved” me. We had a husband-and-wife photography team, so it wasn’t a guy being creepy with me. I explained that photographers typically take more photos of the bride because of the dress, hair, makeup, and flowers, that’s just standard for weddings.

This isn’t the first time he’s made comments like that. In the lead-up to the wedding, he would say things like, “How comes you get a bridal suite? Why don’t I get a groom’s suite?” or make comments that he and his best man would be getting ready in a cleaning cupboard. He also said he could already tell the wedding would be “all about you.” Anyone who knows me knows I’m not that type of person.
A few days later, we showed the wedding photos to some family. My aunt asked him what he thought when he first saw me walking down the aisle and whether my dress was what he imagined. He replied, “I thought it was just a dress.” That comment, combined with the earlier ones, really upset me.
It’s also brought back other things from the wedding that didn’t bother me at the time because I was in such a happy bubblem, but now they do. The night before the wedding, he stayed up drinking with friends until 4 a.m. On the morning of the wedding, we had planned to exchange letters and asked the photographer and videographer to capture it. When my bridesmaid handed me his letter, I opened it in front of everyone with cameras pointed at me. (I already felt awkward being the centre of attention). When I opened it, it was actually a birthday card with a kids cartoon on the front and the word “birthday” crossed out and replaced with “wedding.” Inside, it just said, “To (my name), love (his name).”
People I’ve spoken to say he’s just being a typical man, that men don’t care about these things. I understand that and at the time, none of it really bothered me. But after the comments about me “playing up to the camera,” it’s made me rethink everything. Now I can’t seem to get it out of my head.

Am I being too sensitive?

I'm someone that thinks that spending thousands on a big wedding is ridiculous and a waste of money.

However, OP and her husband both agreed to the size of this wedding and to employ a wedding planner who made suggestions, such as the exchange of letters, that he went along with without raising any objections. He hasn't just not failed to show any enthusiasm on the day, but has actively mocked the wedding that he agreed to and planned and was rude and dismissive to his new wife.

He sounds pretty horrible and his behaviour might lead to the ending of his marriage before it has even started.

I smell insecurity here too op.

I don't think you are being over-sensitive at all.

You could get into the Olympics with the gymnastics your posts are doing to defend this guy.

But not everyone talks like this.

Lots of men do, of course. Some out of convention, others out of genuine feeling.

I just don't think that's the measure of a good husband.

And we have no idea what he's like as a person and what their relationship is like day-to-day.

It is of course possible that the OP has just married the wrong man. That she needs someone who's more obviously like her in exactly these kinds of ways, because these are the things that really, really matter to her. Nothing wrong with that! But him not meeting her expectations is not necessarily abusive. Could just be a major personality clash.

I’m so sorry you married a twat

It infuriates me when someone posts what is clearly an abusive situation and posters claiming to be women rush in to try to justify it

it doesn’t even make logical sense, the man wanted a grooms suite for gods sake. More photos of him, less of her, it was nothing to do with enjoyment of weddings and everything to do with him trying to out her down, belittle her, humiliate her,

I'm sorry you married a man who hates women.

Decent partners are supportive, encouraging and complimentary; they don't behave like a spiteful, petulant child if you receive attention from other people.

If he can't bear you receiving attention on your wedding day how do you think he will behave if you have children? You will be the focus of other people's attention and the baby will be the focus of yours. He seems to feel hard done by if he's not everyone's priority all the time so I can't imagine he will allow the experience to be joyful.

This thread may have given you pause for thought and caused you to question other behaviours you tried to persuade yourself were nothing. He's quite likely to escalate his behaviour overtime as his resentment grows. If he's not already emotionally abusive I think he has the potential to be. You are an adult who can choose who you have a relationship with but please don't choose an emotionally abusive misogynist to be the father of your children, they will deserve a better role model.

I agree with the above..

although the card thing wouldn't bother me as such.. its kind of teenage, but then some people have a facility with expressing themselves and some don't. The card thing is not a custom I've come across either so perhaps he didn't realise the full import of it.

Stuff like this
He "also made remarks about how the photographer seemed to focus on me all day and must have “loved” me"

would bother me. Its just ridiculous of course a flipping wedding photographer (and you say it was a husband and wife team) focuses on the bride. Its the whole point.
And his attitude when looking over the first view of the pictures of his own wedding - like its a real pain for him, and being critical of you instead of proud of you and moaning that he's not in it enough - seem like a combination of put down and jealously... as in "don't get too confident OP , you aint all that... me on the other hand... why wasn't I given the same amount of fuss as I'm the more important half."

He may try to pass all this off as a joke.. .his ironic dark humour... but as I said before .... mind of a teenager.

I thought I would have a few people agree with me and the majority tell me I am looking into it too much, which is what my family tell me when I try to speak to them about this. Although I haven't told them or anyone the full story, only bits and pieces here and there.

OP, what’s your parents’ marital dynamic like? My family would be horrified if my new husband came out with comments like that. Maybe you do need to tell them ‘the full story’. (And maybe ask yourself why you find it hard to share ‘the full story’ with friends and family, but not strangers on the internet?)

I'd be very worried about his behaviour an attitude to you being pregnant and giving birth/being postpartum (if you ever wish so) and him being horrible to you and telling more nonsense like this. He sounds like a narcissistic man child who can't bear you/anyone else to be the center of attention instead of him. Sounds like the tip of a shit iceberg, tbh.

OP sorry you’ve married an insecure, resentful man who is jealous of you. Ideally we marry people who are our partners, confidants and best mutual supporters. I don’t think you got one of those though sadly.

I would imagine there are many other areas in life when he is less than supportive about you as a person, your dreams, values and goals. Is that who you want to share your life with?

Is he's trying to take you down a peg or two (which is pretty toxic) or is he socially clueless and thinks he's funny? Neither are good but at least if it's the second one there's something to work with.

Yes, he's got a horrible personality, based on demeaning his wife. She needs out.

Well he’s an absolute cunt isn’t he? Mean, selfish, childish and utterly vile. I hope you find a good solicitor OP 👌🏻

He’s negging you. I’ll put money on at least one of the following - you’re better looking/more successful/more popular/have a great job/richer than he is and he’s trying to ‘bring you down a peg or two’ - to his level. Don’t diminish yourself and don’t make yourself small to appease him. My beautiful, very successful, friend did this and had a baby with a man who couldn’t say a single nice thing about her, either to her face or when he spoke of her. If someone said, ‘That’s a lovely coat you’re wearing, Joan’, he’d butt in and reply with things like, ‘That horrible old rag? It makes her look a mess’, and so on. She had to pay a fortune to get rid of him and even after that he would get her son to try to scrounge more money from her. If he’s like this all the time bin him now while it’s easy.

Yep, I’ve been married 20+ years and ducked many of the usual bridal expectations.
Less than a year after marriage I’d certainly expect generosity of spirit and kindness as a baseline!

This is really sad to read and not normal behaviour at all.

Your family are probably trying to minimise it by saying 'men don't really care about that stuff'. They have completely missed the point, it's the fact that YOU care about it that should make him attentive to your feelings. Why should it be solely about how he feels that's important, especially if you made all the decisions for the wedding together. These are choices he made as well.

He sounds ignorant at best and bordering on emotionally abusive at worst.

The card was just a slap in the face and he was sending a subconscious message, what ever it was. But it was very passive aggressive.

Be very careful how you go forward in this relationship. He has the potential to be a blight on your life at key moments and potentially your child's if he isn't centre of attention. Women are vulnerable when they have a newborn and he sounds like he could kick off if the spotlight isn't on him.

Think very carefully.

Please don’t have kids with this man. He will leave it all to you and gripe at your performance from the sidelines.

It doesn’t matter whether he wanted to do letters etc, or whether he thinks getting ready pictures are pointless or whether he wants a better room. If he doesn’t want to do those things or wants other things then there are kind and constructive ways to go about it. He behaved like and insecure twat.

He didn’t actually say he didn’t like how you looked - so there’s that at least. He sounds like he was atrociously jealous of you in the run up, and on, your wedding day which is very unusual in my opinion. I’ve never heard of a groom being like that about the wedding before. Do you think there was a huge imbalance of attention in your favour? Is he ungracious and unkind about other things or just about the wedding?

No, most men are not like this.

I recently was feeling a bit low within myself and my husband booked a surprise photoshoot for me - with the sweetest letter telling me how much he loved me and he wanted me to see how beautiful I am. He organised hair and make-up and the photoshoot, then he has had the photos made into an album for me, printed out several pictures from the shoot that are up in his office. Made me feel so loved and really did make me feel beautiful. That’s how a loving husband should behave.

Your husband sound likes he enjoys putting you down, making you feel small. If this is something he does regularly then I would consider if you want to stay married to him. I would be very wary of having children with a man who can’t cope with someone else being the centre of attention.

Please don’t have children with this man. He doesn’t like you and won’t like your children either. If he is jealous of you on your wedding day to him there’s not much hope. Sorry but he sounds toxic and this feels like just the tip of the iceberg.

A confident man lets his partner shine, or something along those lines. He chose you but now he’s hell bent on making sure you don’t feel special. What an absolute weak idiot.

I’m not sure why you don’t find the husbands behaviour cruel and quite frankly horrible, but this has nothing to do with weddings and rituals. I’m sure the majority of men don’t care that much about weddings but can find it in themselves not to be horrible to their wife and humiliate her in front of other people. It’s not ok and the op shouldn’t be told it’s ok because he doesn’t care about weddings.

If you want but haven’t had kids yet, think very carefully about having them with him.

The process of having kids, whilst wonderful, brings out the worst side of both partners - when you’re tired, overwhelmed, suffering from pregnancy/labour/postpartum - will this man work with you as a team to get through it or will he moan and complain and belittle you and refuse to take on mental load? Not to mention the effect he would have on a child with this sort of attitude.

You obviously don't t like him Very much...do you want to separate,