I've been friends with someone for over 20 years. When I met her, she was on a break from her partner of whom she had a child with. We had kids the same age and became quite close. She is a couple of years older than me but I was completing a degree, she never took an interest in this because she'd worked her way up in her role at the time.
Aroound a year later, her and her partner got back together. I became aware that whenever we had a night out, he would call her by 11pm and tell her he wanted food bringing home, or that their DD was ill. This would be every time we went out. I never addressed it and she would make a joke out of it. I noticed once they were back together her hygiene seemed to slip and she no longer took as much pride in herself. I eventually asked if everything was ok, and she did hint at things not being amazing. I assured her I would always be there for her if she ever needed me.
Years went on, we didn't have as much contact and she had a second DD. We were no longer as close but I went to visit after her DD was born. Baby was a week old and when I asked where her DP was, she said he was at the pub. He text to say he wasn't getting their DD from school and she asked if I could go collect them, if she called ahead to let the school know. I of course helped but mentally noted he wasn't coming home from the pub to help.
By this point, my own relationship was very rocky and my ex was extremely controlling. I opened up about this months later when we went for coffee and was met with a really patronising response. I never mentioned it again. Things had gotten really bad for me at this point and I became a single parent. This came with teasing and a bit of a condescending attitude from said friend. There was much I didn't tell her, as I felt too embarrassed.
Three years ago her dad passed away and she leaned on me, because I understood how she was feeling. I heard off her a lot during this time, which I found odd as she will go months without even messaging hello a lot of the time. Her partner wasn't very supportive as he still continued with his lads days away etc. She spent a lot of time in mine and taking the kids out together until she was back on her feet. I didn't hear from her for months after.
The behaviour from her own partner was unaltered; he would go away on lads holidays but she couldn't go away for a night with friends. He works and then goes to the pub but she runs both kids around to their clubs, works, does everything at home etc. He goes away multiple times a year but takes her away for a weekend once every couple of years.
I have gone on to build a steady, stable life for myself and my DD. We are alone a lot as her dad doesn't have contact, my dad passed away 10 years ago and my mother is a vile bully. I have a small circle but we are thriving overall. Said friend has since gone to uni and done well in her own line of work. I am always full of praise for her achievements. She has been in touch with me more recently again since before Christmas but I couldn't understand why. I have since found out it's because her partner has been arrested on suspicion of fraud. She hasn't told me this but a person I work with lives nearby and seen their house being raided etc. I haven't approached the topic, as I feel she would of told me if she wanted me to know. According to colleague, it isn't looking hopeful and a lot of evidence was found. I just said I wasn't aware and didn't continue the conversation.
The last time we met, I told her about a date I had been on and it was just a really crap experience, she then went on to really rip into me about my taste in men and how it's "ALWAYS YOU" who picks the shitty ones. I just nodded and agreed and didn't get into it any further. I'd had a problem with my neighbours recently, stealing from my garden and so on, she went on to say how again it's always me. Basically I get blamed for other people's crappy behaviour at every given opportunity.
A few days ago, her brother was in the paper for selling drugs. Due to the nature of my job, I've now become aware of other issues that she has not mentioned when running me into the ground at every given opportunity. I became aware last year that the reason she was separated when I first met her was because she had cheated on her partner with his cousin.I went on a couple of dates with a man who has worked with her partner for years. He said he'd mentioned me to her the year before, in the hopes she'd introduce us but she told him not to get involved with me because apparently, I'm problematic. She also told me the same thing about him, when I mentioned I'd been on a date with him.
Can you help me understand why someone with their own vices in life, would overlook their issues and focus on running someone down who has only ever been supportive? I have distanced myself over the years, as I found it difficult not to bring up her own controlling relationship, while she was busy poking fun at my abuse and then being a single mum. I've purposely dodged phone calls (she doesn't do nights out anymore unless it's with women 30 years older than us), because I couldn't sit listening to her running me down.
Now I have all of this information, should I throw it all at her the next time she contacts me, or should I be the better person and rise above it? Sorry for the rant but I'm finding it hard not to blow my lid.