Has anyone / do you know anyone who couldn’t find a partner (and never been married before AND DIDN’T have kids) and just stopped searching and build their own ’happily ever after’, WITHOUT ending up meeting someone / possible having kids?

[Idontthinkibelonghere]

Pretty specific, and don’t give me flack for using the expression happily ever after.
I’d really like to know if there is anyone and how they did it and of course different things make different people hapoy/ feel fulfilled - I know, but also looking for inspiration.

Also, is there books or other media of women, who had to find their own way?

And please, this isin’t about women who chose and wanted to be single/childfree per se, since they chose that. I mean more women who no one wanted to be with and because that are alone and couldn’t have children…

Ignore the word ’possible’ in the title, I don’t know how that got there. It should have been ’without’.

Me. Always assumed I’d meet someone and build a life with them. Was in relationships from 16 to 35. However, I realised I only attracted men who wanted to either abuse me or sleep with me and then leave, so I decided to stop looking. My life has never been more calm and angst-free.

I have other worries but quite honestly, the only time I was annoyed at not having a partner for the last 15 years was last year, when there was a dead rat in my garden.

I know someone who couldn’t have children and was widowed young. She has an extremely active social life, always says yes to an invitation (and said this was key), lots of hobbies like theatre, museums, events. She’s a member of organisations like theatres etc so often does extra events with them.
is active with wider family who I think are motly
grown up but sees siblings and niblings on their own account

Yes, I know 4 people who fit that description. They involve themselves in their family and neices and nephews, they travel well, they have great friendship groups, they aren't weighed down with the debt of having children either.

I've met more people who thought they had found it and ended up in a horrible marriage / divorce though.

Me. Never met Mr Right but desperately wanted children so thought, right, there’s ivf, a one night stand or adoption. Neither of the first two felt right so I adopted two beautiful but very challenging dds who are now in their early 20s and have children of their own so I have grandchildren.
I would never suggest adoption is easy or right for everyone, by the way. But there are ways to create a family without a partner and being a single person is so much more socially acceptable these days, and of course no one bats an eye lid at a single parent.
It took me many years to realise there are advantages to being single and I’ve come to see that being alone is far better than being with the wrong person. I’ve tried to teach my daughters that but they have been in some very unhealthy, indeed abusive relationships, because they seem to think being with anyone even if someone treats them like shit is better than being alone.
For me, being single is very much about making your peace about it and seeing the advantages in it. And building a support network of family and friends, and having hobbies, interests, and pets, of course. Some single people might have amazing careers or go off travelling the world, for others it’s about finding enjoyment in books, gardening, volunteering or whatever. Andhaving the courage to go for a meal, cinema, theatre etc alone or holiday by yourself.

Loads. A lot of my female friends are single and childless and as fulfilled and happy (if not more so) than those of us who have had kids.

There’s so many ways in which you can focus on yourself without being encumbered by children. Freedom to work really hard, financial freedom, freedom to pursue your interests and dreams without having to compromise. Social freedom. I am very happy I hd my DD but in a parallel universe I could have loved living life like this.

In many ways the worst part of it is the constant intrusive questioning and judgement from small minded people who think fulfilment only comes through marriage and children. That reaches its peak in your 30s and then when you get beyond reproductive age people stop stickybeaking into your business and let you crack on.

Yes, I know a lady like this, she's someone I used to work with. She owned her own home, had lots of friends and hobbies, and was content with her life, even though it wasn't the life she'd imagined when she was young.

No.

but I am a lot older now (49) and most of my friendship group have had a relationship at some point although most didn’t have kids.

quite a few are now widowed/divorced and living in their own like me.

quite a few of them it was until their forties.

I have a couple of friends who had similar circumstances. Always thought the “usual” life of partnership and children would fall into place at some point but for various reasons it never did. They’re very different from each other with different living setups now, but happy. One lives with her mum and sister and they all have a very close relationship, living companionably, holidaying together, being each other’s love and support. The other has remained a bit of a social butterfly and lets out the spare rooms in her house to friends and enjoys the social aspect of that, has a rich life of friends and hobbies and travelling.

I suppose you need to actively focus on what things you’d like in your life which make you happy, and place emphasis on keeping and building on those things; also acknowledging that it’s fine to feel a little wistfulness at what didn’t pan out but that the lack of that doesn’t define you or your life and that “happy” takes many forms.

Yes, several. All leading fulfilled lives, in very different ways. One too early retirement, divides her time between the west of Ireland and NY, hikes and paints, has a real gift for friendship. One lives in her childhood home, having cared for both her parents in old age, is very embedded in the smalltown community, works as a teacher and does a lot of extracurricular stuff out of hours with the kids. One left her corporate career to retrain as a yoga teacher, and leads a very deliberate, arranged for her own priorities’ life, lots of friends, heavily involved in nature conservation work, started the local Parkrun etc etc. All good, deliberate, admirable lives, even if they’d envisaged something else originally.

Actually I left out perhaps one of my most intriguing friends, who ordained as a minister in her forties. Perhaps not the route for most people to want to pursue but one I find incredibly interesting. She was never particularly religious, and conversations we’ve had have led me to believe she conversely still isn’t; but ministry has given her all the things she thought her life was missing and the joy of being mother, partner, friend, and advisor within her parish. Perhaps less about serving God and more about being there with and for others in both their happiest and darkest moments and being the fulcrum of a community. She’s great, I find her incredibly admirable as well as fun to be around.

My friend, just never seemed to work out for her. Got a sperm donor, had her son, has never been happier! Best decision she ever made was doing it on her own and not waiting for some shit man. She loves her life now.

I have a friend in this situation, now 70.
Born up North, moved to London to work. Worked office jobs, but always involved in theatre, fab stories of filling in on Drury Lane.
Says she was proposed to once but didn't accept. Not been looking for a relationship for many years and satisfied with that.
Has two sisters who both have kids and now grandkids who she sees regularly. Grandkids now young adults, and come to stay regularly.
Retired to Midlands, has small but tastefully done house, huge wall of theatre and politics books. Volunteers, and also runs local am dram productions.

Yes two, one just couldn’t meet anyone so gave up. She tried online dating to no avail. Good job, own house, car, constant travelling. The other has chosen the single life after an awful 17 year relationship whereby he promised children after certain milestones, once that milestone was reached another one appeared. Both wanted children but due to age it’s now too late.
Both are active but it’s more cinema, gym, holidays, friends. No theatre/museums etc.

My brother has done this. His last partner (about 10 years ago) cheated on him and he took some time out after to be himself and has never met anyone since that turned into a relationship.
It makes me sad because he's such a lovely guy. He is a little shy, he has a successful job (TV and film) and has houses in two countries. He is kind, sweet, thoughtful and has a lot of love to give. He built his life thinking he'd meet someone but it didn't happen.
Years back he had cancer and I think it really knocked his confidence. He really wants kids (had his sperm frozen before chemo) and to meet someone to spend his life with and have a family.
I would love him to meet someone but I stopped asking years back.

Yes lots.

A cousin who decided to stop looking around 40. She focused on friends, hobbies, travel and has built a fabulous life. She is the envy of some of us in the trenches of juggling work and children also!

A friend who was widowed at 57. She never thought she could rebuild her life- she was married at 17 to a man 30 years older (now recognises she was groomed). She was not allowed to study, drive a car and had to wear clothes he wanted. She was his carer. 4 years on she has learned to drive, has just got back from a holiday to Norway she went to on her own, has downsized and bought a holiday cottage in Northumberland and is talking about getting her pilots licence. I think the word- liberated- comes to mind.

Yes, I know several people like this. They simply have replaced their "family" with friends - they have lots of regular hobbies/groups that they go to and a number of closest best friends that they go on holiday/days out with.

One or two of the people also live with siblings and have a very close relationship with them and their parents (if still living) - going on the holidays/days out etc predominantly with them rather than friends.

I'm not sure if this is going to help.
I have 2 friends like this one mid 40s never wanted children and has had one or 2 relationships of about a year. Has a nice life really and I always admired her for making the right choice, however she told me recently she regrets not having children. I was really shocked at that.

Another she is late 30s amazing career, beautiful home. She is incredibly unhappy and lonely. She's a great person all round but just cannot find a decent partner. I do feel for her as all she wants is the happy ever after.

What I see in my 40s is there is rarely a happy ever after. I divorced 7 years ago and remain single. Not happy not unhappy just used to it really but wouldn't have chosen it. I know many people divorced and many in good relationships and some in terrible ones.

Know one really knows I guess.

Yes I have a friend like that she has a full social life but still lives at home as she is a carer for her mother which isn’t ideal but she’s happy with her lot

I have a friend who definitely wanted a relationship and children but it never happened, she's now mid-late 40s and has a great life, creativity, friends, art etc. She couldn't have had that life with kids. I don't know if she's sad deep down about not having them but on the surface she seems happy.

I know two ladies, both through my parents. One is super content and happy, she has so many friends (a lot more than my parents) when I was a child she was always doing stuff, choir, climbing, bird watching holidays, cycling etc, at 75 she has an allotment and volunteers for national trust. She has 4 sisters who all have 2-3 kids and is heavily involved (and interested) in their lives (never short of a Xmas invite)!
I also know a lady who isn’t happy and is very lonely. She’s the same age - 75. She was a nanny, spent her time travelling worked abroad a lot in Greece, Germany, Saudi etc working for wealthy families that wanted a British nanny in the 70s-90s. She was an only child, she had a childless cousin on her dad’s side who passed away a few years ago so literally has no family and few friends as she never settled and put down roots. She also has a very small pension as she worked overseas so much. She was engaged when she was in Greece but it ended, she would have been an amazing mum but instead she raised other people’s kids and none of them kept in touch. She’s also in much poorer health so unable to do as much.
i think the key is to having lots of friends and creating your own network. The first woman when all her friends were having kids climbed the munros so she had weekend projects but when her friends were the other side of child raising she had finished her expeditions. It is something that worries me about DS, he will be an only child and my DSIS won’t have kids so if he doesn’t have a family of his own or create a network he will be very lonely /isloated.