To find weddings seem to reinforce gender stereotypes?

[Chips098]

I am due to get married next year which i am very excited about, but have definitely found that people assume because you're a woman you'll definitely want/be doing xyz.

I'm quite a tomboy I suppose, not that I don't like to look nice but I just like to stick with what I like and do things my own way. I've got a friend pressuring me to book a make up artist NOW because it will fill up before next May. I don't have the money for that right now for a start and I'd happily just do my own make up, as I find they tend to give you what they think you should have rather than what you like.

I've had all sorts of comments about what ill do for a 'girly hen do', several of my friends are male and and I have no interest in the whole bridal party, maid of honour etc. Sadly I don't have a best female friend or anything, even though I'm friends with women.

People just seem to assume I'll be frothing over hair and make up and shoes non stop and I'm just interested in having a nice day.
I try to politely decline and tell them I've sorted things but I feel a bit embarrassed like I should be making more effort maybe? I've seen a nice dress I like and obviously I'll do my hair and everything I'm not going to turn up scruffy, I'm just not interested in all the chat and it's not a priority to me.

Good for you. Screw 'em.

Our wedding is low key registry office but it'll still be nice and it'll be us. My hen do will probably be a nice meal or an afternoon tea and that's it!

Off topic, but what's a "tomboy"? It implies a girl or woman who enjoys traditionally male interests or particularly feminine clothing. Why do we need to use this term?

Can't we just acknowledge that not all women or girls want to pile on the makeup or play netball?

It just feels as if we are saying that women who do this are not truly women.

I've been married for many decades and never had a girly hen do or arranged to have a make-up artist on the day, although I did go to the hairdresser. I bought my wedding dress in the sales on my own during my lunch hour.

We travelled together in a hired limousine, there was no maid of honour or best man and we both did a speech.

Do what you and your fiancé want not what others want or expect.

Honestly the whole wedding industry is full of shit. Whether you're traditionally 'girly' or not, more people should avoid buying into the bullshit and do what they actually want not what they think they 'should' do. It's possible to do a wedding you love with spending a fortune. I have friends who did their wedding completely (including dresses) from Asda. It was beautiful and a lovely celebration. Another friend picked wildflowers and put them in jamjars for the church and grew plants from seed for the tables. There are lots of ways to avoid the expensive nonsense.

Most important thing is you enjoy your celebrations with the people who are important to you. Congrats, OP.

None of this is the wedding. It’s all the add-ons. Choose what you want to do. I did my own make up. I wear very little and would not have looked like me with foundation etc.

Thanks, I think it's just a good lesson in being true to yourself and sticking to your boundaries, not letting people influence it based on what they'd have. Hen dos now seem to be a trip abroad, I just want something low key. I want to have a nice time but I'm not obsessed over what style of shoe I'll be wearing or what eyeshadow shade.

Good for you!

I’m going to a stag do next month, no reason you can’t have a mixed hen do with an activity that you actually like.

I really felt this. I too was a 'tomboy' - and in disagreement with a poster above do not think this is a negative term.

I did not want fancy hair, fancy dresses or flowers, cars, photographers.

To be honest I would have been happy with just getting married on our own and a party after.

The pressure from relatives all round to 'do it right' was mammoth and very annoying. I fought back on several fronts but still ended up with some things I really didn't want and resent to this day.

Do what you are comfortable with OP - have a great day.

Good for you 👍. Stick to your guns 😀

Exactly. It’s the wedding industry trying to sell you stuff, just like clothes manufacturers make more money if they push the idea of boy baby clothes and girl baby clothes, rather than all babies just wearing the same babygros.

We got married wearing jeans with two witnesses and then went for an expensive champagne lunch with them. I think I was just wearing tinted moisturiser and lipstick. We’re just as much married as the couple who had overseas stag and hen dos, 200 guests, a cathedral train and flower arches and a marquee in the grounds of a stately home. You do you.

Hate to come over all political on AiBU but given that the whole concept of marriage in the Western world is rooted in patriarchal systems of control over women and their sexuality/fertility and securing the ownership of property to the male line, and the modern wedding industry is a prime example of rampant materialism and consumerism, is it really surprising when you think about it that the net result is a huge ritualistic and extravagant vomit of ribbons and pink and frills and froth and the most performative and stereotypical feminity? Is that not always how the capitalist sexist world seperates us silly wimmin from our cash for obviously frivolous reasons?

Good on you OP for only participating in the bits of it that suit you, but that's the thing about opting out of conventions or traditions - the people that are enthusiastic participants themselves and/or that don't have their eyes opened yet to the whole 'most important day of your life' silliness are obviously not going to like it and will (silently) critique you for opting out of something that was always sold to them as essential - it doesn't really make logical sense but the whole wedding industry doesn't make sense really other than as a way of making/spending money - but really don't worry or judge your friends/family too harshly for their comments, it's just conventionality or mildly lazy thinking rather than them truly thinking you're doing it wrong (or if they do they're a hopeless case anyway).

Didn’t do a hen thing, didn’t do a ‘Say yes to the dress’ type shopping trip (I had the dress designed bespoke, just me and the designer), had my sister (who lived in another country so other than tell her the colour for her dress no help in planning etc) be my MOH and no other bridesmaids. Didn’t have a wedding planner/cordinator. I didn’t throw the bouquet.
It was a black tie wedding for 120 in fancy London location but other than booking the venue I did all the planning in the last six months. I don’t understand what brides are doing when they say ‘it took two years of planning’. You do you, as they say!

Oh boy! Just wait! They’ll assume / demand that you must take his last name soon! 😝

Some people think brides are interested in celebrating with other women beforehand and want to appear a certain way on their wedding day. Other people dismiss this as 'frothing' and place a high value on their rejection of things enjoyed by some other women in favour of those enjoyed by men. I'm surprised that your friends in the first group haven't noticed that you're in the second.

Weddings (certainly for straight couples anyway) are inherently a gender-stereotyped celebration. It would still be gender-stereotyped regardless of whether you book a makeup artist and have a hen do or not.

The issue you're encountering is really just people's expectations that weddings have to be a big and elaborate affair that everyone throws a ton of money at, I think. YANBU to find that annoying.

Absolutely agree. Which is one of the reasons why I hated my wedding and would never go through it all again.

I find most weddings unbearably naff: even the supposedly classy ones.

Nothing wrong with the term ‘tomboy’. It’s a much better theory than assuming such women must in fact want to be men

Totally agree with you. Stick to your guns and do what makes you happy. If people don’t like it that’s their problem.

What is wrong with playing netball? Do you perhaps despise it or consider it less worthwhile, simply because it’s traditionally a women’s game? If so then IMO that is deeply misogynistic.

You can do WHATEVER you want to do. This is YOUR wedding. I hope you create something that feels joyous, beautiful and absolutely right for you.

Wish you all happiness x

Nothing is wrong with netball. I was trying to use a traditional "woman's sport" as an example 😁

Set boundaries early on and don’t beat around the bush about it.

”Oh x you know me well enough to know I’m not really one to care about hair and make up, thanks for the offer but I’ll be doing mine myself”

Good for you. I hate all the hype surrounding weddings. Hate "girly" hen dos but I would want my hair & make up down by professionals as they are far better at it than I am. If I could do it well myself, I wouldn't be bothered.

Your wedding, your preferences and your choices. To hell with what anyone else thinks.