Pain after breakup- how to cope?

[Meg878o]

Words of wisdom please or anyone who's been through this please help.
Separated from my husband at the weekend, we have children. How do you carry on every minute of every day with this pain trying to also care solely for your children. I feel sick, I can't physically eat anything, I have a banging pang of dread in my chest constantly. I feel so ill yet I have to carry on with some normality for our children whilst also comforting them through their upset. Is this normal? I feel horrific.

It is a dreadful time I have been through it and especially hard if you did not want the separation. Obviously it’s very raw for you at the moment having just happened. All you can do is take one day at a time , concentrate on the wellbeing of you and your children and always put that first. It can feel like a physical pain, similar to the grief process. It will get better and in time you and your children will recover and life will go on. You will smile again and laugh again. Seek support from family, friends, single parent groups (I found a good one in my area on meet up) and anyone else who can help, maybe your GP for counselling support. Let your children’s school know so they can support your children. Try to still do things that you/your children enjoy however hard it might be, even if it’s just a walk in the park, a favourite movie or book. Vent your frustration, worry or anger to trusted friends or family and not your children. This feeling will pass and you will build a new life. Sending you hope and strength.

It is so hard @Meg878o . Sending you really big hugs. You need to be as kind to yourself as you possibly can be and that includes ensuring that you eat and keep up your strength. Also if anyone around you offers help, take it!

Breaking up from someone like this is like a bereavement. You have to grieve for the loss of your relationship and that is a process and it takes time. So be patient and know that these feelings won't last forever. There is life after this break up and you are going to be ok.

It is ok to let the DC know that you are sad and you might be a bit overwhelmed sometimes. It is ok for them to see that you are upset, but that you are still functioning and capable of looking after them, even though you are upset.

Try and stay in the moment when you can. If the sun is shining where you are today, get out in it and try and just stay in the moment for a while. Get out of your thoughts and just "be" - if that makes sense - even if you only manage it for a few minutes. Our brains get really tired from all the emotion and over-thinking that we do when something like this happens and small moments of just "being" really helps to recharge our batteries.

Been there, done this and come out the other side, so I know that you will too.

Why are you parenting on your own? Don’t make this easy for him he needs to look after his children 50% of the time, the kids will need that as much as you do. In that time spend 100% of it doing things that bring you peace, into nature, build your resilience, and let you sit through the pain. Organise your practicalities, rant to anyone close who’ll listen, be realistic about his flaws and don’t romanticise or idealise home, exercise and be kind to yourself. Over the weeks and months it does get easier til one day, you wake up and just don’t care any more. It will come.

How do you make someone take 50% ( or even 10%) responsibility for their DC if they refuse @summitfever ?

You obviously can’t but he clearly only walked out at the weekend so boundaries need established from the offset to dash any illusions he has that he swans in and out as he feels like it. She’s not said he’s refused just that he pissed off.

@Mylovelygreendress

Wait for the anger to kick in. At his selfishness and lack of responsibility.

Once the anger is burning, you can use it to carry you through. Sending hugs.

Considering that your whole life has just changed in an instant, what you are feeling is normal. You will
cope and you will come out the other side and feel good again one day. It just takes time. Sometimes you have to just get through one thing at a time. One evening, one night and so on. Eventually, you will start to feel stronger.

It is absolutely brutal . I have been there and it’s tragic and beyond painful. I remember my friend saying she just wanted to fast forward for me to the bit where I was ok. The anxieties about children’s wellbeing, money, practicalities and more often than not the father can just walk off and restart their lives whilst the Mum is left holding everything together. It’s so difficult but you will get through. Is work supportive and do you have friends or family close by? I was so lucky to have decent support. But the loneliness of it all is crippling. It is like grieving and like others have said you will pull through but be kind to yourself. How old are the children? Sending love x