Planned pregnancy but now I am I’m so scared. Please help.

[MyEdgyLurker]

I found out I was pregnant three days ago. Anyway I’m so unsure about it all. I feel so worried. In 2024 I lost a baby at 25 weeks due to a virus. It was an awful time as I also had a C-section and wasn’t very well. That pregnancy was my third it was unplanned but we went ahead. This time it’s planned thought it was what I wanted but now I’m in the position I’m absolutely petrified if somthing bad happens again I don’t think I could cope with it all. I have two lovely healthy children and I’m worried if somthing happens I won’t be able to look after them. I actually had decided to stop trying after last month and honestly didn’t expect to get pregnant as we only did the deed once. a part of me just is to scared to go through it all and I just want to not be pregnant and carry on with my life but that would mean an abortion and I will have to love with that decision. If I knew all would be ok I think I could deal with it but the unknown is more scary for me at the moment. I have spoken to my mum and partner and they are very supportive but ultimately it’s my decision. I’m in a right pickle and I don’t no what to do. I feel like Iv made my life harder. Having to deal with the grief of losing a baby at 25 weeks to now questioning if I want this baby it’s a proper shit situation and all self inflicted.

I’m so sorry for your loss first of all OP, I can only imagine how difficult that must have been. Can I ask did you ever have any proper support following that loss? If not, it may be worth looking at that now. Lots of women have some degree of worry and anxiety in pregnancy about things going wrong, I know I certainly did, and that was without the previous experience you have had so I’m honestly not surprised you feel the way you do.

Can you speak to your midwife or GP about referring you to the perinatal mental health service?
Im sorry for your loss.

Thank you for replying. I did have a bit of councilling after but I can’t say it really helped or gave me any techniques. I suppose I would use podcast to help and take each day as it came. I suppose I still wanted a baby but now I’m here I just don’t no anymore which I feel awful about. When I lost my baby it was quite a traumatic time when I look back when your in it you just get through it but the fear and anxiety it’s left me with is crippling me at the moment. The whole situation was out of my hands. I caught the slapped cheek virus which then made baby poorly. Also I became poorly with a condition called mirror syndrome. Everything that happened was such a low chance and I was that low percentage. I just feel like if it happened before it could happen again and I wouldn’t be so lucky to come home healthy to look after the children I have at home.
sorry if I sound dramatic I’m just so conflicted at what to do. If I hadn’t of gone through everything I previously did I don’t no if I would still want another baby.

Well, everyone has a past, and sadly like millions of other women you suffered a loss of a pregnancy and a baby. Pregnancy is normally so full of hope and I never knew until we lost our third baby to an ectopic pregnancy, that death and grief can also be a part of it. Plus you can have a health scare too. Not everyone leaves the maternity hospital With happy smiles. For some of us, it’s with great sadness. I’m sorry for your loss and the grief you went through, and it must have been a very sad experience. https://feileacain.ie/ Is an Irish support group, is there a British one?

However, then is not now, you have antibodies to fight off those previous infections. Yes like all life, pregnancy is a risk but will you be monitored more closely this time? Yes this baby will come with great upheaval but also bring joy.. and this is a different time and a different experience.. .

Thank you for the link. I’m sorry to hear of your loss too. Yes when I went for the meeting after we lost baby they did go through my care going forward if I was to have another pregnancy. So I’m not going against any medical advice. I’m just very nervous from past experience. It’s hard to forget and put it aside.

I'm so sorry for your previous loss of your baby. I think it's entirely 'normal', given your background, to feel scared and nervous. Who wouldn't be, having experienced a loss like yours?

Thing do, do you make a decision now based out of hope, or out of fear? Fear holds us back in life. There is support for you out there, whatever your decision now. What does your heart tell you - do you want to have this baby?

Dearest @MyEdgyLurker I have been where you are living the terror of another catastrophe. However, 51 weeks adter DS2 was born and died at 27 weeks, DD was born. 41.5 weeks, pink, fat and screaming.

The pregnancy was fraught with dread and fear. She is 27 now and as DS1's little sister (always will be), is the light of my life.

Deep breaths and hang on tight.

Practically, the maternity department were very helpful and arranged scans in the EPU with a midwife present. I think I had them at 7, and 10 weeks but it was a long time ago.

You’re so right, I would be making a decision through fear. Previous to that I had to healthy pregnancies and baby’s. A complicated first birth but a lovely second birth. Was a planned c section.
honestly I thought I did want another baby and it’s all what’s been on my mind since I lost my baby but now I’m here two years on I’m having second thoughts now im in that situation. I felt like I was getting to a point to fee at peace with things but I feel like Iv just made things even harder now.

OP, sorry about your heartbreaking loss.
I am guessing that you will be considered a high risk pregnancy because of your history and therefore will be closely monitored. Your fear is understandable but please ask for a referral to the Perinatal mental health team. With the right support in place, I think you can get through this, but it is of course your decision. Good luck X.

Hi Op, I'm sorry about your baby, I lost my twin boys the week they were born two years ago. I had to have an emergancy csection. My son was stillborn and my second twin died 3 days later in the NICU so I completely understand the fear. It changes you.

I did go on to have a healthy baby after. Like you I was terrified, still grieving. The pregnancy was hard but I had support. I'm based elsewhere but there are groups like Tommys and also bereavement midwives who will support you through this. The fear never goes but they do look after you and you will be priority because of what happened.

The most important thing is this is your decision and totally up to you. It also isnt self inflicted. Child loss is utterly tragic, so you are traumstised, I was too. It isnt anyones fault. I'm so sorry you are going through this xxx

@Ella31 thank you for replying. I’m sorry to hear what u went through. That’s heartbreaking. 💔 I didn’t realise how hard it would all be to be honest. I’m finding it so hard. I think I just need to give myself some to process it all. I think I will get in touch with the bereavement midwife’s. Just the thought of going to hospital for appointments feels so triggering.

@MyEdgyLurker I'm not sure where you are based but it helped me to have dd at a different hospital. Different people, different waiting rooms, etc.

You poor thing, of course it is. It's absolutely devastating. I was really afraid of the hospital too but I found the staff really understanding and accomodating. They might arrange to meet you elsewhere.

You need to be kind to yourself and when you are ready get in touch with the bereavement midwives, this is their area of expertise. I didnt do anything until months after my boys died and my anxiety got very bad. I actually went to bereavement counselling and I found it great. Ask the bereavement team to refer you, it's really important that its through the proper channels and not some chancer who isn't qualified

Thank you @Ella31 I really appreciate you responding and reassuring me. Iv been in touch with the consultant who took my pmrt. I felt really comfortable with her and she’s emailed back even though on annual leave to reassure me and that she will get the bereavement midwife’s in touch and will also get intouch properly when she’s back. If I could deal with her through the pregnancy I think I will feel ok. I have moments when I feel ok and the other times I’m
beside myself with fear and anxiety. I think the early mornings are worst and I actually remember when I first lost the baby early mornings would be the hardest part of the day for some reason. I didn’t have the baby at this hospital as got ambulanced to a London hospital after they found out the baby was poorly. I think it was a hospital that specialised in premature baby’s but baby had already died unfortunately.