To really dislike the phrase ‘kids are resilient’ and wish people wouldn’t say it?

[GoldenGeishaGirl]

Children are not more resilient than adults. Many adults are damaged by things that have happened to them in childhood.

My ex has had such a terrible influence on our children’s lives (too much to get into but I’ll summarise by saying he has no interest in them and zero interest in being a parent) and when he lets them down time and time again, well meaning people say this to try and make me feel better.

But it’s nonsense and it doesn’t make me feel better. He’s causing emotional damage that they probably won’t really understand, recognise or heal from until they’re adults.

Now that they’re young teenagers, I can see they’re gradually realising what a waste of effort he is, and I don’t think it’ll be long before they decide to have nothing more to do with him. I can’t bloody wait.

When my kid was in mainstream school, they used to say he needs to be more resilient. But given how unsuitable the environment was and how his needs were nowhere being met, he had to overcome huge barriers just to get to someone else's base point. Funnily enough moving to a special school where his needs could be met has made such a difference. Kids do well when they can.

Adults with safe and nurturing childhoods are resilient.

I can relate to this. DF died when I was 20. We were extremely close and I am an only child. He was poorly and in hospital, but there was no suggestion we were going to lose him. To be honest, even to this day, I don't think I have ever recovered. This was in the days when counselling wasn't really a 'thing'. I lost so much of my self-confidence that definitely hasn't returned.

This is very true.

Just one stable, consistent, loving, healthy-boundary-giving, time- giving adult can make all the difference in the world for a child's future trajectory.

You’re spot on OP, and my heart goes out to those on this thread who are forced by the family court system to watch their precious children be hurt by the other parents and being unable to protect them from it. This was our experience and both my son and I were totally fucked up by it, I have cancer now and can honestly say family court, coparenting with my ex and having to helplessly bear witness to what it did to my beautiful boy was worse. At never forget our first CAFCASS officer telling me DS needs to be “more resilient” when he was upset from witnessing DV at dads house and dad also snatching him. It’s a word that gets weaponised and used to inflict misery on powerless young people

I entirely agree OP. It’s something people say because they want it to be true, and because it absolves them of the responsibility to consider children as people with feelings. It was trotted out far too often during the pandemic, including on Mumsnet, to excuse the trashing of children’s lives.

It's bullshit some people spout when they've done stuff that has harmed their kids and they think that excuses them.

"Kids are resilient, they'll get over it."

The hell they will. We know now that adverse childhood experiences rewire brain pathways and can lead to long lasting effects on their physical and mental health, even to causing epigenetic changes. They also have a cumulative effect.

Childhood trauma damages children's physical and mental health.

Kids are people and some are more resilient than others.

the phrase ‘kids are resilient’ is used by adults to make themselves feel better. Not that the adults are usually doing anything other than protecting the children.

Children have no agency - that’s not the same as resilience.

God yes, op. This reminds me of lockdown when all sorts of shit were thrown at kids with the words “kids are resilient” when in fact all it means is “kids have limited agency and therefore have little choice but to attempt to survive whatever comes their way”.

I believe that people say this who have never experienced trauma in their own lives. I went through trauma as a child- bereavement, alcoholic parents, domestic abuse and bullying. I'm still suffering those effects 40 years later. Therapy has not helped but the medication slightly numbs the pain.

In DH’s case it was something that many posters dismiss as nothing - moving school. He hated it. MIL was so upset that he was miserable. She told me she could see the school playground from their garden and could see him on his own every playtime. After about year they moved back.

DH has always been adamant that we would not take our DC out of schools they were happy in unless we had absolutely no choice eg following redundancy. There is no way we would have moved just to live somewhere else.

Many would dismiss this as nothing serious, but it had a big impact on him.

I agree - I’ve said kids are resilient before and about my own child to others when mine broke his arm and it barely phased him. I don’t mean it in terms of trauma etc.

I’m sorry for those who’ve experienced trauma as a child. I agree it can be hard for children to articulate their feelings and some parents use this phrase to dismiss the damage they’re doing. There’s some posters here who are better at explaining the inaccuracy of ‘kids are resilient’ than me.

My children are used to being with me nearly all the time, and they don’t rely on my ex for anything anymore. He regularly cancels meet ups or leaves them with his mother/new girlfriend and hasn’t seen them in three months now. This is their normal and I don’t want them thinking this is normal behaviour of a father.

They used to get upset but they seem unaffected nowadays. Then occasionally something will happen and I’ll think ‘there it is’. We have a close bond but my eldest in particular seems to crave male attention more as he gets older. Unfortunately, the only living close male relative I have resides in another country.

My eldest started at a volunteer youth group run by firemen recently and he’s loving it. I really think he’s been needing more good male role models in his life. His ‘father’ (and I use that term very loosely) has never taught him anything and these men have the children working in teams, learning new skills, socialising together, building confidence and showing how a responsible and kind man acts.

A friend had an awful experience with CAFCASS, she was a victim of DV and eventually ended up with a broken nose, jaw and eyesocket, which meant the police almost took it seriously and he was given a suspended sentence. He told his child that she had done it to herself, so they told this to CAFCASS who took their word for it and decided my friend had gone to the police out of spite, CAFCASS also decided this was proof she was emotionally abusive. Where as her physically violent ex was safe. He ended up with 70/30 in his favour. A few weeks later it became apparent that ‘Katie’ from CAFCASS was now his girlfriend.

It took two years for my friend to get them back despite the fact that they were being sent to school witb suspicous bruising, in dirty unwashes uniform, greasy hair, no lunch and no lunch money. At my friends they would write everything down as they needed to feed everything back to their dad. ‘Katie’ was never punished for falsifying her CAFCASS report or lying in court, she’s still in the same job.

Resilience should be attempting something again and trying to get better…eg doing your spelling practice. The definition is to recover quickly from difficulties.

The problem is that the word resilience is used to excuse the fact that children are forced into situations that some fuckwit thinks are sensible, believing that it’s in their best interest. ‘They’re resilient and can cope.’

It’s so damaging. I’m sick of it.

Kids are vulnerable and easily damaged.

I know this is slightly off topic, but my DC's primary school kept pushing "building resilience" when my eldest was having problems dealing with a bully instead of stepping in and helping him out. I was frustrated and furious in equal measure because some children are naturally more sensitive, or less adept at social interaction, and that's ok. It's not a personality flaw or a failing. Their "he needs to build resilience" felt like victim blaming.

Kids are only resilient when they have strong practical and emotional support from the adults responsible for their wellbeing to help them through unpleasant things.

Christ. It can be nightmarish I know but that’s extreme. Poor girl and poor kids

@GoldenGeishaGirl that fireman thing sounds absolutely brilliant.

Some children really do need male role models more than others and this is a super constructive way of being around them.

I agree - the fire service youth scheme sounds excellent. Both of mine have had excellent experiences in martial arts and uniformed organisations. They have an involved DF, but if they didn’t they would have relied greatly on these wonderful senseis/boys brigade leaders.