Aibu to get involved with a man in am open relationship

[Confuserr]

Per the title really.

This man, let's call him Adam, asked me out. Know him (and his long term GF, "Eve") through friends. They've been open since started dating. I know this is true, and not pressure from either or someone pretending to be open as they're cheating.

Pros - he's gorgeous, kind and fun, I am not looking for a serious relationship (no DC, don't want them), I'm v busy with work and friends so dating (and tbh sleeping with) someone without some of the pressure woulds be great.

Cons - I guess there's a risk I'll get too attached (which might happen with any relationship) or jealous of Eve (or anyone else he's seeing). My family/some friends would be judgmental. Might be annoying if he's not free when I am.

I'm veering towards go out with him once and see how it goes rather than overthink it now, but interested in anyone with similar experience.

In my experience it’s usually the man who wants it and women go along with it to keep them!

@Confuserr another potential con which you have not mentioned in your original post is the potential for STIs.
He has no attachment to you and therefore will not necessarily feel the need to be honest with you about other sexual interactions he is having.

Also you share a hobby.
Who stops going to this hobby when your arrangement goes sideways?

I’m not taking jabs at you, I am suggesting that there are more things to think about.

Good points here

That’s what we like in AIBU - a clearly-expressed, rational point of view, supported by articulate, relatable arguments that demonstrate how real effort has been put into engaging with other readers in order to sway opinion towards the contributor’s measured and balanced framing of a reasonable albeit subjective position in regard of the question under consideration.

I think the tricky thing is that even if you can separate your feelings to some extent, it can leave you in limbo where you're happy enough with what you have, but at the same time aware that it's perhaps preventing you having a a different kind of relationship with someone else iykwim?

My divorced and mid 40s sister is having an incredible romance with a guy in an open relationship. Best of her life. She has no interest in a new live in partner so it suits her perfectly.

Romance eh..now that’s not something I thought would be there

This OP. You aren’t that desperate.

Some people (yes even women) genuinely want to have open relationships. I know it's hard to get your head around if you've never experienced it or thought about it but genuine relationships can and do happen within non monogamous people!

I'm not desperate in the slightest! I just want to have fun with a gorgeous man. I don't meet tonnes of gorgeous men who just want to date and I don't really like online dating, I'd rather date someone I know isn't a murderer/twat...

No worries, I don't think you're taking jabs at all - all very fair points.

STD wise I would always use protection and get tested regularly and expect a partner to.

In terms of the hobby (and also for those eg @ginasevern asking how I know Eve knows & is OK about it) - I met him at a cookbook club (it's like a book club but for cookbooks & you all cook and eat together) which my friend "Kate" started. Kate went to uni with Adam so knows him well and Eve pretty well. We take turns hosting so I met Eve at their house briefly (she was nice) but she's not part of the book club. Kate knows her well and knows about their relationship and would tell me if Adam was lying. If it got weird I just wouldn't go to the club, Kate wouldn't mind & is supportive/neutral re me dating him.

You already said in your original post that you might become jealous, so you are already aware of this and how you’re going to feel when you want to meet up but he’s busy with the woman he actually loves.
The fact you are worried what friends and family would think suggests you see him as someone you want people to actually know about or get to meet at some point. But this isn’t that. He’s not coming to weddings or birthdays or Christmas with you. It’s just sex. He’ll be spending the special occasions with his real girlfriend.
You’re looking to have your cake and eat it too, you want all the best bits of a relationship with him without fully having to commit. But life doesn’t work like that. This situation isn’t getting the best of both worlds, it sounds like you’ll be getting the shittest bits. It’s like being “the other woman” but without any of the excitement of sneaking around, not even getting the Alan Rickman necklace or any real efforts on his part, but with all the jealousy, no sympathy from anyone, being second best to his gf (and any others), having to make yourself available when it suits him and not you, and all while still spending all the special occasions alone and losing the respect of your loved ones.

It sounds terrible if you ask me. I’d rather just join a hook up site. It would be way less messy.

As long as you can "Don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds" then enjoy and have fun

I’m someone who typically is quite good at separating sex from emotion but I couldn’t be bothered with the potential drama and messiness of something like this.

That's a useful perspective thanks and pretty much the way I see it. Could I ask whether there's any classic mistake people make / thing you wish you knew before (although I appreciate it's not the same as I'm not the one in the OR)?

@Nodlikeyouwerelistening
I do take your points (and thanks for the reply) but the alternative (unless I want to be celibate, which I don't) is to have casual relationships with other men. I wouldn't ask/ want them to be monogamous to me, so the issues about jealousy of others/them being busy when I'm not, etc would all still arise. And I'm not going to introduce random hook up partners to family anyway (whether it's Adam or someone else) - "hi Uncle Roy this is a man I'm shagging every other Tuesday, how's aunty Pam, aren't Sunderland doing well this season?"

So I guess the only difference is dating men i believe to be single, versus one I know isn't, iyswim?

@Nodlikeyouwerelistening also I have to strongly disagree with "It’s like being “the other woman” but without any of the excitement of sneaking around..."

Surely if it's at all comparable to being "the other woman" it's much preferable? It would be completely consensual. I don't think "sneaking around" is exciting I think it's pretty morally bankrupt.

Oh and for those who asked Adam and Eve don't have children (unlike the bible ones who had all the children)

that would make a memorable dinner conversation

I don’t see romance as genuine

I have plenty of scope don’t worry

The same I’d give somebody embarking on any type of dating, really: say what you mean and mean what you say, and make sure you both communicate about your expectations: the messiness results when there’s second guessing involved and assumptions on either side which each person just presumes are unspoken but understood, and aren’t. If you aren’t getting what you want from it because his availability doesn’t match yours or it grates that you need to plan things working around his partner as well as yourself or whatever, then don’t let those feelings go because “this is what you signed up for”: address them, and be clear about your expectation of what you’d like, and about breaking things off if it can’t be realised. You sound as though you’re switched on about what you want to get out of this and what the drawbacks might be.

I’ve never personally had a bad or messy experience, so I suppose that’s what I think most people should know: this is about enhancing your life first and foremost, so be yourself and don’t try to bend yourself into a shape that doesn’t make you feel good; when you’re casually dating someone or have a FWB, your standard should still be kindness and decency on both sides and feeling comfortable asking them for things, just as if you were casually dating somebody single.

It’s just going to be a mess.