AIBU feeling irritated at PILs asking DS to help.

[BeGoldDog]

Signed back up to MN after seeing another GP thread as genuinely cannot work out if AIBU or not. In the past 15 years they have shown little to no interest in DC and have maybe had them 5 or 6 times in that period. They do not ask how they are doing, they do not appear interested when I give them updates, they do not give generous gifts (they are wealthy). They have a new grandchild and there is sort of a vague ‘pitting against’ (which is very much what they do with their sons) but there is a big age gap and physical distance so this is not a huge deal for me. DS is 15, tall and broad and they have started asking him to physically help them with tasks. (I don’t know why they have switched to DS as DH is always very helpful to them.) I find this hugely irritating and that they shouldn’t get to do this when they have invested nothing into the relationship other than being a blood relation.

DS has a great relationship with my own parents and I would have no problem sending him to help them out. I will also send him to do this, as I think it is good for his personal development, but AIBU to feel irritated?

You can feel as cross as you like. But don’t let your DS know how you feel.

See it as a chance for DS to get to know his grandparents better.

and move on. Life is far too short to harbour this sort of petty resentment.

I don't think you're being unreasonable if they've never paid much attention to your DS. I would expect him to want to help your parents out as he obviously has a good relationship with them. However, how does he feel about helping his paternal grandparents? I certainly wouldn't 'make' him, if he's not keen.

I would use it as an opportunity to discuss obligation and boundaries.

He has no duty to help people who have not shown much interest in him. But if he wants to help them he can. Help him decide how much he would like to offer, and help him with how to politely decline helping any more than he wants to. It's a really good life lesson.

Are they paying for his services? I mean it sounds like a pretty transactional arrangement so I wouldn’t be rushing to send him over if they aren’t, because sorry it’s a bit late for them to be using the grandparents card if they have shown no interest before.

DS does know them, DH very much has a sense of duty to his parents, so we have them over for lunch, he has always helped them out and might have taken DC with him on occasion, we look after their dogs etc.

but your petty resentment comment was helpful, I have let a lot worse go over the years, so you are right I should let this go as well.

Great reply.

how does he feel about it?

This is what I think. I think what I struggle with is that PILs feel like DH ‘owes’ them and DH in his turn has a sense of duty to PILs. And that is filtering down to DS. But with my own parents I want to help them, and they want to help us and there is no owing or feeling like you have a duty to someone. You do it because you love them.

Bless him he is quite easy going and it is an ok job actually. Not like when they had him up a ladder clearing the gutters (no-one knew that was planned!)

Yes, I’d agree with this.

My DN early 20s does a lot for one set of DGPs, which his other set, my PIL, have noticed. They haven’t asked him but they comment to us on the difference.

The difference is caused by his other DGPs doing a lot for my DNs when they were young, and taking a real interest in their lives.

I would be concerned that they have earmarked your DH and DS to do all their chores for them when they become too elderly to do them themselves. Yes it is a good lesson to get a teen to mow the lawn and do a few odd jobs to be helpful ( and maybe some money too) but it’s more important for those becoming elderly- particularly those with lots of funds - to get used to paying for gardening and cleaning services, rather than expecting family to do it with potential inheritance being their reward ( been there and got the t-shirt).

You will probably get responses saying this is character building for DS, but honestly cleaning gutters is a rubbish job that is cheap and easy to pay someone else to do.

As a grandparent, it’s sad to read that they taken little interest in your son. I had a lovely childhood with my grandparents and I encouraged the same for my children with theirs. It is a shame when grandparents aren’t responsive. I’m a very much two sides of the coin though and I do know grandparents who find smaller children hard. They don’t like the noise and the mess, they worry about looking after them. Lots of grandparents come into their own at different ages of grandchildren.They might see this as a chance to get to know him. Sure it looks like they’re putting him to work…but who knows if that will blossom their relationship. Who knows if your son will enjoy it, will he look back and think well I did spend some time with them/get to know them.

I spent a lot of time with my maternal grandmother and barely knew my paternal grandmother. Her visits were once a month for 30 mins sitting on the edge of her pristine settee in her untouched pristine house..compared to the hours, days and weeks I spent with my maternal grandmother baking, playing shoe shops, making petal tea etc. Now I’m older I realise I know nothing about my paternal grandmother. Now I’m of, I kinda wished I did know her more or have some different memories of her.

Personally I’d let your son go and see what he makes of it. It might blossom from gutters to afternoon tea to staying for dinner. It might not. But at least you can think that you gave him the chance.

I disagree. They haven't ever bothered with him and now only want him for what he can do for them.

Thats not on.

I think if he's doing handyman tasks and the like then he should start charging for it.

It's no harm that he helps both sets of GPs, but it should be his choice and he should make a bit of money out of it. And his school work obviously needs to take priority.