To be annoyed with my sister

[NotQuiteUsual]

This is in the grand scheme of things not important and I'm aware im being petty. But I'm curious how petty I'm being and if others would be upset/annoyed about this too.

So I suffer with extremely bad mental health. I'm not talking depression and anxiety(though I have them too) im talking psychosis and violent urges. I have a great care team, who work hard to help me. This care team have flagged up the possibility im autistic. My care coordinator, psychologist and psychiatrist are all in agreement over this and adapted my care plan accordingly. The wait list to be diagnosed is nearly a decade long. But being diagnosed won't make a difference, it's just ticking a box. So im quite happy waiting, but adapting my life accordingly.

My sister who is diagnosed with autism and struggles a lot with symptoms caused by it, has not taken to the realisation I'm mostly likely autistic well at all. She denies it, flat out telling me im wrong. She even decided im a different kind of neurodivergent that hasn't been discovered yet because there's no way im autistic. She scoffs when I mention symptoms I struggle with in passing. Like the other day she asked if I wanted this cute tote bag, I replied no thank you I dont like the texture of tote bags. She was dismissive and annoyed about it, because of it being a sensory thing linked to my probable autism.

I've finally found the cause of my life long struggles and my sister being so dismissive has really pissed me off and upset me. She even had the nerve to go off about how autistic women are never believed and how terrible it is, while doing the same to me! Aibu to be hurt by this, or do I just need to make like Elsa and let it go?

Also sorry if that was hard to read! I suck at writing.

Sounds like shes gatekeeping autism as she doesn't want to admit that you have the same struggles she does, whatever her reason for that is. Some people get an ego boost out of thinking they have it so much harder than others but cope "better" than them, so by acknowledging you have autism too it gives you a reason why you have the struggles you do, and she's not just a better coper etc than you.

I laughed at the idea of gatekeeping autism! I think you might be right. She did have a hard time growing up and adapting to adulthood. But so did I. She's more likely to verbalise her struggles than me too. So I wonder if she thinks ive had an easier ride than her since I dont talk about my difficulties as much.

My DDs (and DS and me) all ASD. Presents incredibly differently in all of us. The knowledge we have about neurotypes is in its infancy and is likely to be refined over the years. YANBU to be annoyed with her way of dealing with this, but given she is ASD her understanding of what that is is defined by her own experience of it and a neurotype that has a tendency to like neat rules may be underlying her response.

Well there's a large family link especially among siblings. So the fact that she is autistic actually makes it much more likely you might also be on the spectrum.

I think you'll annoyingly have to take this on the chin. She might struggle to understand the spectrum nature or just the change from how she's always viewed you.

It's very easy to say women are under diagnosed which your sister can accept as a general fact. Perhaps harder for her to accept that you, someone shes known her whole life is.

Remember siblings do tend to be a bit more stubborn about each other than they would with another friend.

Tbh if you’re 10 years of waiting on a “proper diagnosis “ , can you bothered to argue every point with her until you get that official confirmation? That takes a lot of hard work and effort to continually try to prove something to someone. Personally I wouldn’t have that energy or motivation. I think your feelings and voice are totally valid…like why shouldn’t you tell her??….but equally I don’t see the point if she’s going to battle with you on every point. I’d like to think you could tell her that you have a right to be heard, a right to have an opinion etc, even if you aren’t autistic…I just don’t think she’s ever going to hear you.

Neurotypical brains vary hugely and so do neurodivergent ones.

She doesn't get to decide your diagnosis.

I hope it helps you though.

Just avoid the subject. I have bpd never told anyone as I don't want there opinions.

I think you're all right. Its something I'll have to be quietly annoyed about. I mean I avoid talking about it with her anyway because I dont like winding myself up. I'll just inwardly roll my eyes from now on.

Everyone who's mentioned stubbornness is absolutely right. She's sooooo stubborn and highly strung. She probably is finding the adjustment hard. Its worth mentioning I used to mask better than her and always have masked around her, as there was an element of me needing to look after her due to crap parents. Since my breakdown I haven't been able to mask like I did before.

Oh come on, @NotQuiteUsual - she already bagsied autism and you're trying to muscle in on her kind of special.

Find your own neuro divergent condition. Autism is your sister's.

😆😆😆

@HeadyLamarr you're right. I'm being such a cow bag! Maybe I could be ADHD instead? Although she has mentioned she's gonna get tested for that too, so i better be quick.

Also im glad the poll is a bit mixed! Like it means I was right to be conflicted if you all are!

🤣🤣🤣 this made me laugh

Your sister is being unreasonable. She would hate my family as lots of us have neurodiversity diagnoses and some people have more than 1 (including autism!). But it’s not a competition and you having it doesn’t take anything away from her surely? I have met people in the past who often thing stuff is their “thing” and don’t like other people people involved or having similar challenges?

'She even had the nerve to go off about how autistic women are never believed and how terrible it is, while doing the same to me!'

Definitely point this out to her in no uncertain terms. And repeat ad nauseam. But ultimately it doesn't really matter what she says or thinks about your illness. You know what it's like to be you.

She may be struggling with almost feeling jealous as in like you've taken away her 'thing' that made her unique? Obviously it's not on but that could be partly the motivation.

@BillieWiper if I did that it would not go down well at all! She'd be furious and probably would get nasty. She finds being challenged like that super triggering, so you have to be careful how you speak to her.

In which case I'd just avoid the subject of diagnosis and ASD related issues if possible. It's clearly a subject that can get upsetting for you both. I hope things improve for you x