To need to scream into a pillow after seeing my ex’s new place?

[Firehorse26]

We separated a few months ago. I dropped my daughter off and she wanted me to see his new flat and he wanted me to see it to ‘show how much effort he’s put in and see if it’s acceptable for me’. It’s nice. Obviously I want it to be lovely for my daughter and that’s the bare fucking minimum anyway. BUT it’s decorated nicely, he’s bought her loads of toys, clothes etc, got a huge new tv and has adorned the place in beautifully framed photographs of her, the two of them and the three of us. This is the same man who never printed any photos before, never did any decor stuff, wouldn’t let me do any redecorating, hardly bought any children’s clothes and let me buy all of our daughter’s birthday and Christmas presents without contributing. The man who wouldn’t ever tidy our daughter’s room as he didn’t know where anything went and it stressed him out. The same man who wouldn’t let me buy any new furniture or things like a new TV (heaven forbid the time I bought a new hoover without consulting him first).

It’s made me so angry. Why all of this now? Why did you let me spend all of my money and time to do that in our home and now just drop thousands on stuff you would never have bought previously? I get it’s a new start for him but it’s made me so angry to realise he was so capable all this time and I was just a mug.

Also, what do you want? A medal for buying your child clothes and toys?! Feels like he wants me to gush over what a fabulous job he’s done whilst I’ve had our daughter every single night for months and have had to support her through all her big emotions, inability to fall asleep, refusals to go to school - all alone especially the weeks in the last few months he fucked off back to his home town to sort himself out.

Needless to say, I got back home and screamed into a pillow until my throat hurt.

Op at least he's done it for your DD.
As painful as it is for you to see this change now surely it's better than the alternative

I’d be screaming too. Weaponized incompetence when clearly he was capable. What a fucking muppet he is. i don’t know how anyone would think you are unreasonable.

Yes I think this is the way to look at it- although i voted YANBU- understandable reaction!
As an ex partner, infuriating.
As the father of your child, best scenario for this point forwards. You want her to be happy and comfortable there.

Let it go, OP. I know it's infuriating, but keep telling yourself that he's just shown that he is an utter prick who couldn't be bothered when he was with you and you are better off out of it.

It's slightly odd that he has photos of the 3 of you up. Is he trying to demonstrate that he's some sort of 'catch' that you have lost?

I'd just focus on my own future and make neutral comments if required to.

He sounds controlling and manipulative. Don't give him any more of your brain space

I bet he's had help...you just don't know about her yet.

Something weird about him having a photo of the 3 of you on display.
Maybe its an attempt to be manipulative, I don't know, but its weird.

Maybe he's happier? I think we all make more of an effort with our lives when we feel content. Sounds like you weren't happy either in your relationship so its the best outcome for both of you isnt it?

@Hatty65 I know it’s the for the best for my daughter and I’m thrilled she has a lovely space that hopefully one day she’ll spend more time at.

I have no idea - he’s put one he must have printed himself in a beautiful frame in her bedroom.

He is still hoping that one day I’ll see he is working really hard to change and we can reconcile. I’ve repeatedly told him I don’t want this as he was emotionally abusive. He’s an incredibly manipulative person and I feel like the photos are part of that.

I know I can’t be angry about it forever, hence screaming into a pillow and going to therapy.

Are you sure it's not his mum who has helped him?

Definitely not. She’s not that kind of person and doesn’t live in the same city.

He wants to make a good impression to the new girlfriend! Scream away, have a glass of red and enjoy the rest of your life without this arsehole. You’re worth so much more than new cushions & photo frames and never stop telling yourself that!

He is probably much happier in his new life. Sounds like he has moved on. Who instigated the separation?

h has done all this for his child, that’s a good thing!

this is deffo a you issue if it has angered you so much, chill out and think of the bigger picture, you have both moved on…

he is probably rightly so proud of the environment he has created for his child.

He was and is. And will probably always be.

That was my first thought. But why have a photo of Op, his ex?

he was so capable all this time and I was just a mug

Nah, if you were a mug you’d still be with the prick.

He probably hides it in a drawer when he’s expecting the new girlfriend to come round!

He's showing off.

You know it's for your benefit, because he has photos of the three of you - which is not a typical thing to do.

When my ex and I split up, she told me (amongst other things) that she was so hard up DD would be sleeping on the floor, then did a 180 degree turn and invited me over to see her new place. She'd painted the living room the exact same colour I'd painted ours (the colour she'd claimed she didn't like). I just smiled and nodded and said how lovely it all was.

Wait and see whether it lasts. Maybe he'll be a lovely dad and suddenly change. But it wouldn't surprise me if this is just a gesture and pretty soon he's whinging that children's toys are annoying again.