Someone please tell me if this is me?

[Uhnfop]

I don’t want to give the full background as there’s loads and I’m not perfect either.

But I am really struggling with my ex and co parenting and I actually really don’t know if it is me? Am I the problem here?

These behaviours are things that happened in our relationship and partly why we are not together.

Dd is 3. I have her all the time. He doesn’t want to do overnights but is happy to do holidays with her and sees her for a few hours on a Saturday and a Sunday.

I am finding him so difficult and becoming increasingly upset by him. I am a sensitive person I think so it could be me, I don’t know anymore.

When we are in the car (both take dd to dance class for example) he will sign and huff and puff and if I ask what’s wrong he sort of turns it on me like I’m being a drama queen. He never really explains why he signs and so on but will make out I’m being argumentative when I’m asking him if everything is ok.

He mutters under his breath then won’t repeat it so I feel incredibly uncomfortable.

I recently said I wanted to stop him coming into our house on a Saturday eve to put dd to bed as it felt invasive in my home. He said I was going cause dd upset and I was being spiteful etc. So I’ve carried on letting him in but feel so pushed around by him.

The relationship essentially didn’t work out as he wouldn’t commit to us properly. I feel drained whenever he is around.

You need to get a proper custody arrangement sorted out. Why doesn't he have her at his place overnight? Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

Why are you going with him when he has your daughter? That’s crazy. Stop it.

You have split up. Don’t let him into your house. Stop placating him. Your relationship is over for good reason. Cop on.

You shouldn't be spending time together. There's no need for you to sit in cars together.

If you both want to watch daughter at dance class then you make your way there separately and just keep civil but distant.

You're no longer a couple so the fact he doesn't seem to like you anymore shouldn't be a concern. Presumably you don't think much of him.

Only speak about the kids and don't do anything together. Other than handover.

You need to forget what he thinks and why he does things and focus on your own life.

Unless co parents are unusually amicable, being in each other's houses is generally not a good idea. Its not unreasonable to need boundaries for everyone's sake. If he wants to put dd to bed, he needs to arrange actual overnights and the commitment and restrictions that come with that. Why are you both going to dance class? Its unnecessary.

If he wants to put DD to sleep on a Saturday evening he can have her round his house. What is his reasons for not wanting DD overnight yet wanting to put her to sleep at your house?

Also stop getting in cars together and what not.

Get a proper arrangement in place and massively distance from him. He shouldn’t be in your house - if he wants to put her to bed he should be having her overnight. Stop the joint visits to dance class too. You’re not in a relationship, stop doing relationship things.

I know it's really difficult but I think you should ignore the huffing and puffing and put some boundaries in place where you are not with him. He needs to take some responsibility for looking after his child not rely on you - and if he won't do that then he can't make it about you.
Also do not let him into your house - it's your space and he doesn't have that right, however much he moans about it.
I have a very difficult ex and he tried the same stuff with my children but, although it was hard at first, I set boundaries and it was much better in the end. Don't give in to emotional blackmail!
Finally, good luck and solidarity!

You really need some boundaries now. Set out what times/ days he can have your dc and no more coming into your home. If he doesn’t like it let him go to court and get an order in place. The courts won’t expect you to have him intruding in your home. He’s going to be pissed off at first, that’s not in you it’s his problem. It’s better for your dd in the long run to have a proper distinct routine. It’ll confuse get having him at home sometimes. Remember his feelings/anger etc are his problem not yours. Best of luck x

Agree, you need distance and boundaries.

If he doesn't want to do overnights, he doesn't get to put her to bed. Don't facilitate his lazy, half assed version of parenting.

Alternate taking her to dance class, don't be in cars with him.

You need to put some boundaries in place

you shouldn’t be parenting together

This.

He is being invasive in your personal space.

He is already causing upset to DD by not having her overnight. You are not being spiteful, he is being controlling.

You are either together (and share space and time together and as a family) or you aren't (and you each have your own space and time with DD, not together).

He sees her at his house. If he wants to do her bedtime then he has her overnight at his house.

Handovers are done on the doorstep.

Why are you both going to dance class? You're putting yourself in a position where he can still upset you. He clearly wants to with the mutterings under his breath.

If you both really want to be at the class you either need to go separately or go alternate weeks.

You are no longer a couple. You don't need to spend time together or go in each other's houses.

Hi is controlling you OP, that's what all the huffing and puffing is about, he wants a reaction from you. If the relationship is over, then make it OVER, ie, he doesn't come into your house, you don't take your DD anywhere together, it sounds like the best you can hope for is civility, when you see each other, but other than that, if he has her, he picks her up from your door, and if he's bringing her back, he drops her at your door, and the same goes for you, you don't go into his place, you stay respectfully at the door, and don't allow yourself to be drawn in.

You don’t really need to communicate or see him at all other than childcare arrangements via text. Don’t get drawn into personal conversations. Keep it business like.
He has her if he wants to put her to bed. Don’t go to dance together.

Co-parenting doesnt mean that you have to spend the time with your daughter and ex together nor in your home. Co-parenting is when you work together not be together. He sounds very controlling. Agree with rest of comments stating get proper agreements in place and on his time HE has her not you both. Interesting to know if you called it off or he did as that would give a little more insight.

What? Why are you both going to dance?

Stop getting in the car with him. Stop letting him into your house. This is not how these arrangements work. Go to court and get it sorted.