Friend keeps cancelling on me

[Jasmine222]

AIBU to be annoyed that friend keeps cancelling on me?

I have a good friend whom I've known since our kids were 2. She has 2 girls, I have 2 boys, they're all 9-12 right now. For the last few months she's initiated meeting up several times and has then cancelled, each time because her girls had a 'better offer' to meet up with girl friends instead, or because her girls 'didn't want to spend time with boys, because it's embarassing'. I find that hard to understand...these kids have known each other for 10 years, my boys view her girls in a similar way as their cousins.

As a result, I feel like we've drifted apart a bit. I've suggested meeting up without the kids instead, but AIBU to feel a bit annoyed that her daughters are 'dictating' whether we meet up and calling spending time with my
boys 'embarassing'? My kids have lots of friends, both girls and boys, I don't see why one gender is 'embarassing'? Surely her kids could put up with the occassional outing with my boys and just not talk to them that much if they don't feel like it?

Id ditch her but first make a passing comment that your boys didnt want to see her daughters.

Also if anyone has any suggestions on how to navigate this?

Clearly your friendship is only built on the foundations of your children being friends. Otherwise you would be arranging to get babysitters and meeting up without kids.

The way to navigate it would be to say youve noticed the girls and boys dont want to hang out anymore and would she like to carry on meeting up without them just the 2 of you.

She sounds like a dick. I wouldn’t be meeting up with her again.

Why can’t you meet up without the kids?

I would just tell her not to worry you won’t be making anymore plans going forwards, your boys don’t want to hang out with her daughters either as their attitudes stink.

It seems that you are only friends because your children are. Whether she isn't keen anymore or her girls aren't, her behaviour is very immature and personally, I would find it humiliating to be told that my company was not good enough. The fact that she doesn't want to meet without kids also should tell you she isn't interested. I would let my feelings made known to her and draw the line on this friendship.

The children are old enough now to decide they want to spend time with their own friends.
And it sounds like your friendship with her alone isn’t strong enough ?

I'd let this one drift. She doesn't sound very pleasant.

If someone had told me they were cancelling on me because they had ‘had a better offer’ I would immediately ditch them as a friend, it is utterly disrespectful. She also sounds like a knob letting her children dictate her plans, they sound like spoilt brats

I don't think I'd want to push my children to spend time with teens who have such idiotic views, or spend time myself with the mum who allows it and seemingly encourages it.
It's very weird and offensive to tell you this as well.

I don't think you should go down to her level by saying that "your boys don't want to see her daughters" either.
But I would let her know that her attitude stinks and let go of this friendship.

You can look at it 2 ways here

1. She might not be a good friend if she uses the words embarrassed or “better offer” and lets her children rule the roost.

2. She is an honest friend and just telling you that her girls do not want to hang around with the boys and would rather see their girl mates, I’d say if they are older and have started senior school then they are probably old enough to say “mum I’d rather see Katie on Saturday than your pals 2 boys” maybe her words to you haven’t been the best but still, better than lying and saying she’s sick!

I would offer to meet her alone

OP had suggested meeting up without the kids. It's not clear what response has been received.

Thinking about it more I do think her words to you probably aren’t the best (maybe she’s a bit tactless) but if my 10/11 year old son turned round to me and said “mum I’d rather see Bob today for football as it’s a Saturday than see your mates 2 girls” I would personally take his feelings into account.

they aren’t toddlers anymore as you say they are older children, you can’t expect 10,12,15 year olds to rather see their pals kids than their own friends

It’s now time to meet up solely just you 2 now the kids are older

I'm with the "ditch her because your boys think girls smell" and find other friends to spend time with.

I agree with this.

The girls are of an age where they are deciding who they want to hang around with. The Mum has arranged to meet you and then the girls have probably been invited to spend time with their girly friends. She should stop arranging to meet you with the kids though if she knows there’s a chance that the girls don’t want to come & may be invited elsewhere.

Hard not to take it personally, but I think it’s just an age thing with the kids.

I had a similar situation. I made a Mum friend as she had a baby the same month as me (I had a girl, she had a boy). We met up all the time & one day she said her kid wanted to play with his boy friends more. She said it in a jokey way, but my Daughter also didn’t want to spend time with him. They had just outgrown each other. We do meet up just me and her though.

I would try and meet up just the 2 of you. If she still cancels, then I would just stop asking to meet and assume that the friendship is over.

Exactly. I’d be having the hump at 11 years old if all my mates were going out or doing something fun together but my mum was making me go to her mate Janet’s to see her 2 boys that although are nice, aren’t my friends. The girls probably have their own minds now and their own friends which they are old enough now to have.

Thanks for all the perspectives so far!
To clarify a couple of points, we do get together fairly often without the kids for a drink or a gym session, but for the last 9 years or so we've also regularly (once a month-ish) spent a Saturday together doing things like long walk with the kids, picnic, bike ride, swim and lunch, etc. Over the last year, our kids social lives and our workloads have got busier and we've started to see less of each other in general, and what stings is that we go through the process of making a plan (often initiated by her), and then the Saturday rolls around and she suddenly quite literally says that "Betsy doesnt want to spend a day with your boys because she finds it embarassing, and Susie would rather hang out with her friend Jill. See you another time!"

So I'm thinking, we can still meet for drinks and the gym (about once every 2 weeks), but the communication around the Saturday get togethers stings and felt rude. Thats why I decided to post. My boys have no issue spending a Saturday every couple of months with these girls, they're fairly easy going (and possibly not yet at an age where they see a problem - I know girls grow up faster?), so they're a bit bewildered by each cancellation.

My parenting style would be more to say "I get that you dont want to see so much of them anymore, but no it's not embarassing to spend time with boys and it would be rude to cancel today. But I'm taking your preferences on board and we can make plans much less frequently from now on and I'll meet up with Sue separately."
I've suggested to her that we aim to meet up without the kids from now on and that I'm bothered by the last minute cancellations... she's agreed on meeting up separately but doesn't see "how she can make her kids do something they don't want to do if they wake up wanting to do something else or get a different offer that's more fun"... so I still feel bothered because it still seems rude to not acklowledge that it's not really fair to us to cancel like that...

I don't understand why she's still going on about the kids. She's agreed to meet up without them

And even if not, she needs to teach them that if they've made a commitment, they stand by it. Don't make plans if you're hoping "a better offer" may come up.

I have 2 friends who I used to meet with kids in tow (they both have 3 girls, I have 2 boys) but when they got to a certain age - secondary school - it just didn’t work any more so we switched to meeting alone in the evening instead. It’s a bit rubbish that she’s cancelling on you, but it might just be time to admit that your friendship needs to take a different path if you want it to continue.

Just go with meeting up separately from now on and dont make any more arrangements with kids. That friendship has ended by the sounds of it. Kids do grow apart as they get older, although I think she could have found a politer way of putting it to you.

I agree with this somewhat, however, if it’s her making the arrangements and not the kids it’s a bit unfair to expect the kids to want to go when it was never their choice in the first place.