I don't know how to best manage my loneliness

[AnaColombiana]

I'm a long term poster and have name changed for this thread.
I'm a single (lone) parent to my 2 wonderful DC. They live with me 100% of the time, they're 12 and nearly 14, extremely independent and capable and just great to be around. I feel I'm doing an excellent job with them and I feel I've broken the cycle of shit childhoods that I had, my ex had, my parents had.
I also work full time, I'm not doing a particularly excellent job with work because it just isn't my priority, but I pay my bills and contribute to society and my kids see me getting up and going to work every day.
I've been single since the day my kids' dad and I split up. He disappeared so I had no time or energy or childcare to date. As my kids have got older and more independent I've had a few flings and certainly haven't been celibate, but truthfully I've never met a man who I felt was worth bringing into my kids' lives and disrupting things for.
However, I am now painfully lonely. My kids come home from school and don't need me as much as they used to - they do their homework and their hobbies, they talk to and see their friends, and I have an awful lot of time - and love - left to give. I have friends and hobbies, and I'm doing some further study, so suggestions along those lines won't help me. What I really want now is a partner, but it seems impossible to find a good man who is keen to fit around my life and who doesn't necessarily want his own kids (I'm only 39!) and is worth all the disruption that a new relationship would bring. I want someone to be with in the evenings, I don't want a part time/casual relationship, I've had enough no strings sex to last me a lifetime.
I want a partner. I'm so lonely. And I don't know what to do about it.

I think you should start by joining a hobby or activity where you can meet some new people, not just potential men to date. What do you like doing?
When my DH died I joined a choir. I love it, lots of new friends.
Book club? Swimming?

I know it was hidden in my long post but I do actually have both friends and hobbies which I hugely benefit from, but definitely don't have time or desire for more.
That is completely different to wanting a partner to end my day with.

Sorry, normally I am better at reading all of posts 😆

Withdrawn in light of OP’s update.

Any suggestions that aren't hobbies? Or hobbies where you've met a partner?!

Or more general suggestions of how to overcome the feeling of loneliness without joining more groups?

Seems obvious: online dating. You won't find a man who fits the bill if you don't look. You can specify in your profile you won't be having more kids.

Any friends with partners who have single mates?

Go to every invitation you get, nights out, BBQs in summer, let your friends and their partners know you are looking for something serious. Ask if anyone can set you up on a blind date?

Online dating. Never done it but have friends who've met their long term partners online. You need to persevere!

It's good you've got friends and hobbies but I get that you want someone to do nothing with.

I’m the same OP, although much older (late 50s) and with children grown up and moved out, so I don’t even have the daily, if brief interactions that you get with your lovely sounding teens.

I tried online dating but got nowhere with it.l and don’t know if I can be bothered again. A friend, who has a huge social circle, set me up with a single male friend of her husband’s and I went on a couple of dates with him. I thought it was going ok but he suddenly lost interest so I finished it.

A friend and I are going to try going to some local music events - band nights in pubs, that kind of thing, but it is a ‘going out’ activity which can feel like a lot of extra effort.

I don’t know what the answer is apart from OLD or joining groups, which is not much help! I think my last hope is manifesting and throwing it out to the universe but I’m still waiting for Idris Elba to materialise in my sitting room. 🤣

I've tried online dating numerous times over the years, it's an absolute shit show. I've also met a couple of people in real life situations but that's amounted to nothing. I'm not bad at meeting people, I'll even approach if I feel it's appropriate. It doesn't seem to get me anywhere though. The men I've met don't seem to want relationships.

I am definitely a yes person. I try to say yes to every invitation (not that I get that many!) but a lot of my friends are also single women, and my other friends are all partnered up and I know all their partners' friends and they're all partnered up too!
I also once agreed to a blind date through a friend but it was a disaster and I felt I disappointed my friend.

Tbh the answer for me has been my 2 cats. They're my shadows so I dont ever feel alone! But if you're not a pet person that won't work for you. It's tough, I've been where you are and I found OLD pretty dire. There must be nice decent men out there looking for a partner but I don't know where they are!

OP, wanting to manage your loneliness is about finding new friends or hobbies. But you say that you actually want a partner. I think you need to decide exactly what you do want, tbh.
And be aware that it's possible to be lonely within a relationship, whereas lots of single people aren't lonely at all!

I also have 2 cats! I'm never really alone - 2 kids, 2 cats, some friends, colleagues Mon-Fri. But I'm lonely because I don't have a partner and I don't have that kind of love in my life.

I know, because when I was in a relationship with my kids' dad, I was excruciatingly lonely. That was worse than what I feel now to be honest.
I don't think it is about new friends or hobbies - I barely have the time for the ones I currently have. And while I don't feel lonely while I'm with the friends or doing the hobbies, I go home alone and go to bed alone and wake up alone and that's the bit that I want to change.

Think about the kind of man you would want to meet and then think about what he is likely to be spending his spare time doing? Then do that. I’d think anything sporty/active might be a potential way to meet blokes - parkrun, hiking groups, wall climbing, parkour? Tennis doubles? Gym? Try a few things and ideally try and find something with a social life attached so that you’re meeting new people, e.g. hiking groups that go to the pub afterwards?

I’d guess joining a political party might be another good option. I don’t know about volunteering/charities, feels like it might be a bit more of a female thing?

ETA: sorry, I know you said you didn’t want more hobbies, but I think realistically the options for meeting men are: through work, through friends, through online dating, through hobbies. So if you don’t feel the first three are helping, or are something you want to do, then it might be a case of dropping a current hobby or two (if you’re currently doing ones that are mainly introducing you to women) and trying one or two that might be more bloke-centric.

As much as it can be dire though I do think you should stick with online dating. We all know it’s not romantic, it’s a grind, it can produce some dire people. You just have to cycle through the part of it that’s a chore, promise yourself you’re going to search through ten or twenty or fifty profiles per day - whatever feels manageable - and if you stick with it, in my experience, interesting people do eventually turn up.

What sort of hobbies do you have?

It's great to.have hobbies such as book clubs and crotchet clubs etc but, if you want to meet someone then you need to do the sort to things that the men you are interested in also do.

So, I did swing dance lessons - lots of men and women doing that. It's generally frowned upon to join specifically for the purpose of meeting someone but relationships do emerge from them.

I also joined a choir but they are very female heavy.

I'm really into live using and wanted someone who was equally into the same sort of music as I was into. So I started going to local pubs to see bands. I became friendly with some women who also went. One of them introduced me to a man I dated for a while.

I also joined a couple of bands as the bass player and eventually started dating someone I met through that. We've been together for a few years now.

For me, it was really important I met someone I had a lot in common with so that we enjoyed spending time with each other partly because I didn't want that experience of being lonely in a relationship again.

Thank you @CaragianettE @GreyCarpet this is good advice. My hobbies are climbing - but I go with a male friend so I guess nobody will approach me there - and running - I run with a female colleague before work. I'm a musician and would like to join an orchestra so I've just looked up local ones, no idea if that attracts both men and women. Running clubs I did try but found it difficult to get conversation going while running. Parkour is actually a very appealing option so might look into that! I absolutely love hiking but the groups near me are generally made up of older people. And I have a friend who goes swing dancing but again it's a male friend and I imagine we'd gravitate towards each other, I can ask him to take me to a trial session though.