Adhd and puberty

[sunshine244]

Puberty is clearly kicking in for my AuDHD son and I feel like things are getting out of hand. 12 years old and on non stimulant meds which were working well until all these recent mood swings.

We've had door slamming, hitting, saying he hates me, throwing things, squaring up to me etc. In between times he's wonderful, we get on great and he is respectful of rules and has a good balance of hobbies, downtime, 1:1 time, no mobile yet (before people ask about screen time) although he does play some gentle games like minecraft, good sleep, relatively good diet. School is an issue but working on it.

Consequences don't work because he doesn't seem to have the capacity to calm himself down in the moment. He is always very sorry once he has calmed down and accepts e.g. no screen time or needing to tidy up etc. It doesn't stop the same thing happening again.

He's had play therapy but it didn't help. Tried things like punching pillows, exercise and other distraction techniques but the anger seems to come out of nowhere so there's rarely time to intervene and try to de-escalate.

Has anyone else been in a sinilar situation and if so what helped?

I'm sorry OP, surging hormones and poor impulse control is normal in teenagers but add in ADHD and you've often got an explosive situation 😔 I've worked in a PRU, lots of teenage boys with ADHD, other learning problems and often difficult home lives. Strategies we used were - de-escalation (trying to catch the situation before it blows up - takes practice! and offering time out in terms of going outside for a walk around, calms the nervous system and gives them time away from the situation) talking calmly and quietly even when they're shouting and raging, not reacting to swearing or name-calling in that moment, waiting for their fight/flight response to calm down.

Working with the child to talk through trigger situations and strategies to cope when feeling angry/frustrated - asking for a time out, going for a walk, listening to music, making a cup of tea etc - give them plenty of time and space to calm themselves.

There are no overnight fixes and it will take time, try not to see every outburst as a failure - remember he is learning to cope with these new challenges, hormonal changes and feelings. Your calm response, understanding and willingness to wipe the slate clean on a bad day and start again the next day is what he needs. Try not to hold grudges and give him a hug and show you appreciate when he has calmed down and apologised. It's hard but they need your love when they are at their most unloveable! It will get better in time, might be worth revisiting his doctor to talk through any medication changes that could support him during this transition to adulthood.

Urgh its a literal pain in the ass
We tried upping none stim dose but made his BP drop too low and he fainted.

We have now combined woth a stimulant in the morning and none stim in the evening which is working well for
him.

He is still a stroppy moody pain in the ass.

I feel your pain. Mine went for me several times before we did combined meds. All I could do was walk away and not engage in any shape or form. It was bloody hard.

He has 1:1 in high shcool who is good at deescalation but even she couldn't bring it back and he got himself suspended a couple of times for squaring up to teachers - i totally supported the suspends and made him apologise face to face and write apology letter about how he thought his actions made the teachers feel

My Audhd son was a nightmare aged 10-15 with hormones. He refused medication full stop so that was never an option for us. But perhaps worth reviewing dose/type if he will agree?

As others have said de-escalating and trying to stay calm yourself - sometimes impossible… As much outside time and physical exercise as possible, can help join local leisure centre and swim/gym? My son used to like focused things with grandparents like woodwork/painting their shed/weeding garden etc He was always money motivated and would cut neighbours grass and clean cars etc which kept him busy and outside.

Also agree with starting each day a fresh even though you might still be fuming inside if he’s been rude or broken something.

It does get better - mine is 17 now and apart from being disorganised and forgetful he is no longer rude and aggressive.

Thanks for such supportive responses.

I find it hard to know how to manage the balance between teaching consequences vs avoiding shame. I also find it quite scary being hit due to previous DV relationship. I find it takes me much longer to recover than it does for him - he'll apologise then want to get on with other things. Whereas I've been hit and told I'm evil and a terrible parent which now it's happening daily is hard to bounce back from.

Is his dad at home or a DH? Just asking because your son is going to be bigger and stronger than you very soon and if he continues to be violent you are at risk and any other children in the home also either witnessing the outbursts or also on the receiving end. So you need to be able to keep yourself and any other children safe in case of violent outbursts.