If you don't really have many friends, do you feel OK about it?

[Prendetew]

I'm 39 and don't really have any close friends that live near to me.

I have a couple of old friends from uni I see once a year or so, a few mum acquaintances that live nearby and people I'll casually chat to at gym etc

Most of the time I'm OK with this setup. I don't really have time for a social life anyway. I have a busy job and do condensed hours, 5 days in 4,plus a young DC and DH so weekends are often about family time, visiting family, with the odd gym class here and there.

Now and again, I do wonder why I don't have close friends and beat myself up about it. I had various 10 years ago but they all feel away due to moving/ me getting more boundaries and being pickier/ lives diverging

I've made an effort to join gym, be chatty with other mums but I just don't want to force anything

I could have written this. Sometimes I feel sad about it, other times I don’t mind at all. I do wonder that once life is less busy with young family if it will be quite lonely.

Yes I worry about the loneliness bit. I hear how bad it is for health when you don't have close social ties

No friends and not ok about it. wFH too, which makes it worse. Always made friends before, but not since I moved to a new area. Not really sure why haven’t made friends this time, but I suppose I don’t really have time to invest in making new friends. I’ve decided to give up trying. I try not to think about it. But it does hurt when I have no one to go for a coffee with or to invite to something I fancy doing.

Yes - it doesn’t bother me. I don’t have much interest in other people generally.

I have seen recommendations for the meetup app. Has anybody tried that?

i have a couple of good friends locally but maybe only see them once a month for a catch-up. I have been a single, working parent for many years so socialising was quite difficult.

I think it is lonely but also I have many looser connections, if you like, so it’s not like there are no social interactions. I make sure to go into my office two or three times a week, go to the gym or pool nearly every day now DC are older, and tend to work in a coffee shop regularly so there are people around me. I am doing a course soon as well.

I think you have a DH and DC so you don’t fit the ‘having no close social ties’ profile and you are at a life stage where time is scarce. You are doing the right things to meet people and have social interactions. So I am not sure you need worry too much, keep doing what you are doing and maybe see if you can meet up with your good friends two or three times a year or do a longer trip or something.

Got a handful if friends but we just meet up periodically; we're all too busy to be in each other's pockets. I'm fine about it.

Yes, I did last year, I joined a social group but I found you needed more time than I had because there were things every other week. I was also trying dating at the time - should have stuck with the group and ditched the dating. Work is too busy this year so I am focusing on my goals there just now.

I have a sprinkling of friends that I maybe see about twice a year. I'm single too.

I sometimes see social media posts of people from work all out together and it makes me a bit sad. I just haven't gelled with colleagues, they're quite a bitchy crowd.

I also feel a bit embarrassed that I have a big birthday coming up and no special plans. It's seems the trend to go off on a holiday etc, I could go solo but conscious it will look a bit sad.

Equally I'm self aware enough to know that social plans feel like a massive hassle to me, I'd always rather stay home. So I have reaped what I sow!

I have a few women acquaintances who I used to dog walk with and we will have lunch a couple of times a year, but we're not what you'd class as close friends who text or call each other. I've also kept in touch on FB with a few mums who I interacted with from school days. However, even as a child I was not outgoing socially, and preferred being at home rather than out clubbing or to a pub as a teen. Then I married someone who alienated me from the few friends I did have, so now I find myself at 62, widowed and with no friends. In one way it's lonely, but due to the life I've lived I now have zero self confidence and have anxiety about going out, so at least I don't have that pressure.

Great question op.

Its not all it’s cracked up to be having multiple friends either.

Ive recently made the decision to step back, really back because I’ve noticed over the last year or so that it’s me making every bit of effort to keep things going.
For around 7 months now I’ve heard not a thing from people who were very important to me and who I thought felt the same about me.

Im very sad and worried about this as I can see loneliness ahead. More than anything I feel somewhat bereaved.
But I have taken the very obvious hint that they are not interested and so also feel very foolish for not getting that hint sooner.

I’ve just had something happen yesterday which involves a relative (50 miles away) having to do me a favour. I get it’s an inconvenient ask, but their response was ‘is there nobody near you you could ask’ and I had to say ‘No. I don’t have anyone I can call on to do x’.
So, whilst I don’t normally mind in terms of lack of social life, it’s hard when you have nobody to lean on, especially when you’ve spent your life doing things and offering help/support to others. It seems there’s no reciprocity. Since DH died people have taken a step back, I’m more alone now than ever.

Now I've hit an age (58) were I have time and spare cash, I'm a bit sad about it. My DP has health issues, so I'd like someone to do a city break, go to the ballet/races etc with. A few women who go to the same hairdresser as me have joined over 50 groups, but I feel a bit strange doing that, because I feel as though I should have a friendship group. Being a carer (previously) and life differences/moving away, has made that difficult.

Yes I prefer it. I find friend maintenance exhausting. I want to be a good friend but if you have a busy schedule then people wanting meetups is just so draining. And then if you don't go you look like a bad friend. I just can't do it. One school mum I would consider a friend has recently given up on me I think but it's because my schedule is so busy I only have one day in the last month I wasn't doing something for the dc or work. So I never ever have down time and if I have that one precious 2 hr slot I sometimes just need to sit on the sofa and stare rather than having to host or meet up somewhere with all the logistics and clothes required.

God who cares if you always have to organise? Much better to do that and keep the connections up.

We met a local group when the kids were playgroup / tiny and we still socialise all the time. It’s absolutely life enhancing. I remember being new in town and going to playgroups and making conversations. Lots of rebuffs but struck gold. 15 years on we still meet up weekly and socialise with people I met at those groups and primary our kids at uni!

Keep joining things and putting yourself out there. One friend is a serial joiner and she meets lots of new friends through her new activities. Your kids will need you less in a few years. It just takes one activity group to click. Good luck!

I was in a similar situation at your stage in life. It didn't really bother me as I am introvert anyway, so need a bit of quiet time now and then.
Move forward 15 years and I have more acquaintances and made a few good friends.

What changed? DC are late teens / young adults, mortgage is paid off and I have time, energy and money for a sporty hobby. I have time to just sit down quietly and read if needed and time for DH & family. I have even started attending competitions for the sport which is strenuous on all fronts. It's another chapter in my life.

I have two friends. One of which is my sister who I see about 4 times a week. The other is my best friend and I see him perhaps once a year but message/speak monthly.

Thats all by choice. I am a very insular person. I am anti-social and I don’t want to be in a ‘friendship group’. That’s not to say I’m not outgoing, I very much am, I get on with all my colleagues immensely and I turn down about 3 requests a week to ‘go out’, but I’d rather have an eye out.

I suppose what puts me off friendships is the ‘being there’ for them. I’m there for my family and my friend (should he need it!) but I don’t want to provide ‘gill’ with support when she leaves her husband or go to ‘Gemma’s’ baby shower. Because, and this will make me sound very cold, but I don’t care!
I'm not lonely, I don’t miss interactions, I have a fab life. I just don’t like having friends.

Thanks for the perspectives. I also wfh but go to a conference or HQ every couple of months so get a heavy dose of colleague socialising there which helps.

I relate to people who say they sometimes can't be bothered keeping up friendships or feel like they get to be one sided. I've found this in the past when I had more friends which is why I stepped back from a few a few years back

I would love to have someone I could speak to/message about a book I’ve read or something on television, just to have a chat to every now and then,
I like a quite life but miss companionship, someone to share things with.
I'm married but he works long hours and has different interests, 2 of my adult children still live at home but have their own lives and our youngest has complex disabilities so it can be hard to get out with feeding and medication schedules.

I have a few friends but maintaining them can be exhausting. I'm not very good at keeping up the effort of keeping in contact and as a result I've lost a couple of what I considered to be good friendships. I'm an introvert though so I feel I'd be fine without friends, but I see my widowed mother struggling hugely with loneliness due to devoting her life entirely to my late dad and I dont want that to be me.

I’ve realised now at the hugely advanced age of 52 that I am, in fact, an anti social introvert who much prefers the company of my animals to people. I have casual acquaintances and my family, but after being horribly let down by my closest friend some years ago I now just can’t be arsed with it all.

Not really ok with it, but cba to put the effort in at this age (40s). Same with finding a man. It’s just so much hard work with no guarantee of it succeeding. From observation once people retire they seem to have lots of friends/go to various groups and clubs because they have time, so perhaps that it where all the socialising happens. Life raising children is pretty all consuming and lonely for lots of people in today’s world.

I’ve travelled this path. I took the decision a couple of years ago to let go of friendships that were being maintained more out of duty rather than really getting anything out of the relationship anymore. Surprisingly, I’ve not missed any of them.
I am in my 60s and think I’ve lived long enough to understand that most of those around me are just friendly acquaintances. A real friend would do anything in your hour of need. That kind of person is always going to be rare to find, and I can sincerely say I’ve just one that would do that. My husband is rather less of a loner and reckons he’s three.
In my youth I had a job that involved frequent relocation and I dread to think of the number of people I’d been friendly with but quickly forgot once I’d moved on.

I understand where you’re coming from OP. I couldn’t have something like a birthday party or gathering for myself, because I don’t have anybody to invite. It does bother me, but I’m not sure what to do to change it. Life is busy with 2 DC and my OH, and I do have a hobby that I know people at and we have a chat but we aren’t friends if that makes sense. I know people in that I have acquaintances, but again, they aren’t actual friends. I know it’s just a case of finding the right people and it ‘clicking’ into place, but it’s hard and time consuming all the same!!

I don’t think the ‘a real friend would do anything in your hour of need’ stuff is a good way of ascertaining the quality of a friendship, though. Mostly we’re not having a 3 am emergency. It often strikes me that the posters who say this are primarily looking for a rationale to decide that other people are flaky and unreliable, so they’re better off devoting themselves to their pet.