AIBU to be worried about DS in Reception?

[Loveewithin]

My son is in Reception — he’s our firstborn and a gorgeous, happy little boy. He’s summer-born and has always been slightly behind physically (he didn’t walk until 19 months), so he can be less physically confident than some of his peers.

At home he’s very chatty and full of personality, but at school he’s a little more reserved. There seem to be some quite boisterous boys in his cohort, alongside a few gentler characters more like him. I find myself worrying because he mostly plays with girls. That wouldn’t concern me at all if it was simply his preference, but I worry it’s because he feels he can’t quite keep up with the boys physically.

The two girls he plays with can sometimes be a bit unkind, and I worry he’s not quite finding his place friendship-wise and might end up on the edge of established groups. When do friendship groups really start to form at this age? Am I being unreasonable to worry about this so early on?

For what it’s worth, he absolutely loves school.

Friendships wax and wane in the early years.
Did he have strong friendships at nursery? Has he got any of those children in his cohort?

Invite some of the boys he likes round for play dates?

yes I can see why you are worried. Why is he behind physically and can you work on this? Has he seen an OT? I’d try and help him here as there is a relatively short window for kids to develop their fundamental movement skills. I’d also try and get him involved in activities that would help this, football, athletics.

Otherwise I would try a couple of group play dates with the other gentle boys. He might be asked back and he’ll get a chance to develop a friendship with them.

In my experience friendship groups start to get set in stone around age 7-8.

Same story at nursery (he went to the preschool attached to the school). All the kids moved over to reception with a few new ones starting too. I thought it might change in reception but hasn’t yet.

It will change - my son was one of the ‘boisterous’ crowd but after a while he found it exhausting and was actually getting upset as sometimes he didn’t want to play as rough as some of the other kids. Naturally he gravitated to the more gentle souls and he plays with most of his class now rather than the select few from the beginning. Give it another term and it tends to iron itself out. They’re all still figuring out social dynamics themselves and it shifts and changes all the time.

No specific reason seemingly. He’s just never been driven by loads of physical play. He’s not miles behind. Just a bit less nimble on his feet. He attends swimming lessons. He’s progressing well. And we do loads of walking/take him on his bike etc. At the weekends.

Oh, I absolutely remember feeling this way when DS was in Reception. He sounds very similar. My DS is in Year 2 now and has a fairly solid group of friends, mainly boys but that’s partly because of how their class is broken up into groups. I remember walking by the playtime lunch when DS was in Reception and he seemed to be sat by himself in the corner. I walked by other day and he was right in the middle of a large and noisy game of tag. So, I totally understand your worry but things change a lot when it comes to friends at this age.

That’s great. Kids that age need 1 hour of proper exercise a day. Do you think he gets this? Walking isn’t ideal. He needs to be jumping on a trampoline, throwing and catching, climbing. Playgrounds are great. playing ball games with him or starting him in a well organised sport.

My eldest had a weak core that was impacting on all her movement skills. So we did a bit of work on this with an OT. Definitely try and help him with this now while he is still small.

I would say so. We’re looking at starting a few age appropriate sport groups too to support him. I think it’s definitely core related. He was late sitting up from lying position as a baby and the walking came later too.

Have you had his eyes tested, @Loveewithin ? DD1 was very lacking in physical confidence as a small child (would only go down a slide if she had seen someone go first, took ages to master a scuttlebug and still really isn’t keen on her balance bike at 3) but it turns out she has quite poor vision. We only found out by chance - no indication from her fine motor skills, and she could do puzzles etc fine, but her physical confidence really developed when she got glasses.

I think the main thing is that he's happy so I wouldn't worry and you can always ask about his friendships at parents evening, or invite some of the boys over for playdates. My eldest is a girl and the difference I'm finding with my son is that as they get older the main social currency between boys is football. So if you sign him up for a local coaching programme then not only will he make some friends there, but he'll also always be included at school whenever there's a game going on in the playground etc.

Former Reception teacher here, if he's happy I really wouldn't worry at this stage. As someone upthread said, relationships change (almost daily) whether you're in the gentle or boistrous crowd. Either way, they really do find their people, it just takes time. In either group, there's going to be falling out.

My own DS was a gentle soul who shunned away from the rough and tumble and preferred the company of girls. Never really liked sport apart from swimming. He's an intelligent, caring, strapping 6'4" grown man now with a wife and children of his own. His friend group is still largely female.

it will get better OP.

If he's happy I wouldn't worry at all. From what you say he is happy at school and has found children to form friendships with. Presumably he isn't being bullied? You have said you are worried that he gravitates towards the girls because he can't physically keep up with the boys, but unless he is really upset about not being able to play with the boys, there's nothing to be worried about. Little boys tend to want to be very physical at that age, if they are zooming about, playing with them, will either result in them having to massively change what they do for him, or him feeling left behind and potentially being worried about being knocked over. Neither of these options are good for his mental or physical health or for the other boys. If playing with the girls gives him a group of like minding friends who want to do the same as he does without having to change their play for him, let him crack on.

I have periodically wondered if we should have taken DSs to football, despite their complete lack of interest, because of the social currency aspect. Both DSs play serious cricket and swim (and DS1 now loves rugby) but there have been moments where their lack of football as been a pain (other sports matter less because there’s always a pile of kids who’ve never played them).

Friendships change a lot the first couple of years of primary, don’t worry.
He may always prefer to be friends with girls, he may not. It doesn’t matter, the important thing is he’s happy and continues to enjoy school.

I think joining some kind of sport activity is a good idea too, it could be anything he likes the sound of - football/gymnastics/Karate/climbing

What age did he start school? In lreland Summer born babies don't start school until they are 5 and it makes a huge difference. Being one of the youngest in the class can be difficult at first but should level out a bit as he moves up the years.

No and it may not through all primary.

Your son needs to find his way and kids aren’t always nice. Unless there are issues help him to navigate friendships but otherwise let him to it.

There is a lot of worrying to be done as a parent so helping him instead of worrying will help you too.