Should my husband has visited?

[Kardelen]

My husbands brother had their baby a week ago. He lives with his in-laws, so it’s a very busy household.
my husband suffers from extreme anxiety at the minute and physical health issues.

my in-laws went to visit them this weekend, but me and my kids couldn’t as we have a bug and when I asked them, they said it’s better if we don’t to avoid spreading.
my husband doesn’t have the bug, but he didn’t want to go due to his anxiety. And today is a really bad day.

so he asked one of his siblings to ask when they are planning to bring the baby over to my in-laws so he can see.
but his sibling challenged him saying, how can they bring a new born baby? And it’s just easier for him to visit.

irony is my mil wanted us to take our newborn baby to my inlaws when I had my first, and out of pressure we had to take the baby to my mils. And the same family member was also putting pressure on us to take him. And when DH mentioned this, his sibling got really annoyed and said not to compare.

so first question is, was DH unreasonable to not go? ESP. If we are not going as have been asked to stay away by the baby’s dad due to the bug we have ( but husband has been away from us at his parents so didn’t have).

and second, was it wrong to mention how we went on the second day?

It sounds like your in laws wouldn't push themselves out of their comfort zone to make your DH comfortable, so I think it's fair enough that he didn't push himself out of his for them. I also think it was fair your DH reminded them of their previous behaviour.

Your DH might not have symptoms of your bug but still be carrying it. Best to keep away till you’re all better.

Stay out of it, OP.

Your DH presumably lives with you and the kids... so absolutely no way he should be visiting and potentially spreading a bug.

I do think it would be good of him to go to the baby's house in the futur though and not expect a post partum mother and a newborn to travel (until they deem them want to). I also don't think it's fair to compare to when your kids were born... it was up to you and your DH to put your foot down back then if you weren't comfortable with that arrangement.

It'll probably be easier for your husband when you and the kids are better anyway... he'll feel more relaxed with you there I presume?

It shouldn’t come across as comparing isn’t it? As it only because his sibling reacted in a way like it’s so extra ordinary, when he was one of the people pressuring us to visit them although I had a traumatic birth.

to add, my mil treated us very badly, both times. So this birth in the family has brought those memories back. My mil is also treating them very differently, so I’m happy for them, but makes me annoyed as why couldn’t she treat us nice too? There’s a whole list of what she did. Had moved on, and relationship got better, but I always end up crying when I remember how she treated us postpartum. And it’s even worse, as I know I can’t go back and change, and won’t ever get another pregnancy. So feel like she just ruined the whole thing.

If your husband is too ill to go visit due to anxiety, then he’s too ill to go and they have to accept that. He is allowed to prioritise his own wellbeing.

Hopefully he’ll feel up to visiting soon or when his brothers partner is feeling up to it, they could visit you.

Thank you so much for this. For context, we celebrated my daughter’s birthday last week with my family. But he didn’t visit because of his anxiety.

but the sibling was saying he visits his wife’s family, so why can’t he visit today. But it really depends who he feels comfortable with? And how he feels in the day. As today was one of his bad days

You need to seperate seeing the baby and the new parents from your experiences with the rest of the family. It isn't fair to the new parents that you are looking at this, through your own experience of MIL, post birth. Is your DH's anxiety been triggered by needing to be in your MIL's company? If so make your own arrangements to visit. You don't all have to be joined at the hip.

Is he getting help for his anxiety?

Your family is ill, so no he shouldn't be going to visit a newborn.

Your husband is in a household where people are sick, so he should not go and visit a new baby. When everyone is well, you should all visit his brother and the new baby, at a time that suits the new parents.

Your DH lives in a house where there’s illness, so no he shouldn’t have visited.
When you’re all better you should visit at a time and place that suits the new parents. Getting out with a new born can be tricky.

I also think you need to separate out your feelings to your mil from his siblings, you can’t blame one for the other.

do they know about your husbands mental health, if so then he just needs to explain he’s mentally unwell and can’t do the visit.

is he getting help?

Does your BIL not understand extreme anxiety and that some days and situations will be worse than others. Your DH should explain that he'd find it difficult to navigate on his own due to his MH and he'll wait until you and the kids are well before visiting, so that it's a better experience for everyone.

Given how your in-laws were with you, I'd be grateful to not have to see the baby in their presence, if they're treating BIL and SIL much nicer, so don't knock that.

In the meantime, if he isn't already, then your DH needs to seek treatment for his condition as he's going to miss out on a lot of family occasions if he can't bear being with extended family.

the op hasn’t said they even know about his mental illness. And I think a lot depends on that. She also seems to be conflating them visiting with the brother in law, and of course he lives with the in-laws so of course the treatment would be different, they see each other all the time.

so they all know that he has mental health issues. And he even said that’s the reason he can’t attend.

but unfortunately the bil that had the baby message my husband saying he should have at least called him, and also give advice about the first few days on what to expect when the baby is born, and how hard it would be and what they should do.