How do you amicably coparent with someone who has behaved terribly?

[SadlyNotATroll]

Me and my husband are splitting up. Tbh it should have happened months ago but I stupidly clung to hope he might “change” after having an affair with a colleague. Read a message on his phone that popped up from a mutual friend basically saying how was my husband doing still being in love with someone he couldn’t be with. Turns out all the therapy and long talks were lies. He’s also been seeing prostitutes and has managed to turn my dad against me. I feel absolutely broken but now face having to amicably coparent with this person. We have two very young children. How do I do this? I want to be the bigger person but I absolutely hate him. I find him repulsive and the thought of having to breathe the same air as him makes me feel sick.

Tell your Dad what he has done, even if you have to do it by letter/email. I would also tell the world that he used prostitutes and you are being screened for STDs, which you should do by the way.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Fight for yourself now and don’t look back, he’s an absolute pig. It might not feel it now but you are well rid!
Look after yourself. 💐

Worst thing is my dad knows everything and thinks I’m being unreasonable for not taking DH back. I have gone no contact with my dad.

Oh I should have mentioned see a solicitor as coparenting with a man who uses prostitutes won’t good to a family court judge. Get as much evidence as you can. I really feel for you.

Just saw your reply, sorry to say it’s not your Dads business or marraige. He will regret his stance one day when he doesn’t have a relationship with his grandchildren. I would tell everyone who asks the truth don’t hide his disgusting secrets.

Have you kicked him out already?

Collect your evidence about the prostitutes as that is just vile.

I would suggest any contact with him is done with supervision at a child contact centre if he wants to see the kids.

As for your dad, then going NC with him is sensible if he thinks it's ok to sleep with prostitutes!

Really? I thought the courts wouldn’t care? That’s what he told me anyway

I went no contact for similar disloyalty. Prostitutes and affairs aside (what a pig), what kind of person is he and what kind of parent? That will determine your approach. You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. You will be so much better off when you're away from this dickhead.

well rule 1 is not to believe anything he tells you….

I’m 10000% committed to leaving. That isn’t up for question. As a dad he’s ok. He a classic fun Disney dad. I don’t feel he’s a danger to the kids but he’s really emotionally immature and borderline narcissistic; this whole situation has shown a totally different side of him I never knew existed before I married and had kids with him. How do I get through the next 15 years without letting my loathing of him affect the kids? I’ve heard it’s best the parents are amicable but how do I do that?

Wow, what a prick.

However, if your aim is to manage to speak to him just enough to manage the children, I wouldn't tell 'everyone' about the prostitutes as that is likely to make your relationship more difficult. He deserves it, but purely for the sake of the kids I'd refrain. Tell close friends you can trust not to gossip.

I would not aim for amicable, at least initially. I would aim for civil. Like a professional relationship with a colleague you can't stand. Never discuss anything except the necessary arrangements for the kids. Be brief and civil. "I'll pick Jane up at 11 tomorrow. Here's her jacket. Bye."

It may be in a year or many years you can manage amicable, but I wouldn't try it at first.

Is he a shit parent?

I had to cope with my ex being the most selfish & stupid parent on the planet. He left our 6yo son with an infected dog bite for four days. Was more worried about not getting blood on his leather car seats. Returned ds to me in need of hospital treatment. A string of incidents like that.

I accepted there was nothing I could do except

1. teach ds how to ring for help.
2. teach ds that 'daddy wasn't much good at looking after childen" so to call me if he was sad or hurt or worried.
3. Give ex every opportunity to skive off doing his share so ds spent as much time as possible with some one competent and caring instead.

You need to accept that your ex is a worthless git (because you can't change that), and focus on how to make the best life for your child.

The Ex just becomes an unpleasant customer you need to deal with as part of the job of parenting. Ice cold, unemotional, give nothing away. It's tough but you can do it.

Well once you separate, you will rarely have to breathe the same air as him.

You just communicate by text or email. If that proves difficult there are parenting apps you can use.

Eventually your anger (completely justified) will subside and you won’t give a shit what he says/thinks/does.

This is great advice. He sounds like a shit dad OP. I would aim for civil and business-like. You don't need to be friends with him. You'll be pulling him up in no time when he's neglecting your kids during his contact time.

You don't have to be amicable, you just have to be polite and businesslike and keep all interaction to a minimum in order to hand over the children. You can keep all communication to a parenting app and any other communication through solicitors. Don't beat yourself up if your mask slips occasionally - you're only human! As hard as it is to believe now, one day the hatred will fade and you'll be left with indifference.

Compartmentalise. Don't underestimate the enormouse relief and peace you will feel once he's left. If he's the the first person you want to tell when something exciting happens, or text when you've heard a funny joke, stop that. He's not your person anymore. Treat him in the same way you would a colleage that you dislike but must work with. Be polite, succinct in comms and keep everything about the kids. Accept that, if your DH has failed to be a proper parent to date, he won't step up now. So, no tit for tat. If it's all down to you to buy school uniforms, manage dentist and Dr appointments, plan birthday parties etc. now, it will still be down to you once you're divorced. Try not to badmouth him to the kids, as difficult as that will probably be. If he says something rude/incorrect about you to the kids and they tell you, correct them, but leave out the 'daddy's lying deliberately to manipulate you' bit you are probably thinking.

Lawyer up. Reduce communication to a minimum through a court admissable communication app. Only communicate about the children.

Read up on parallel parenting. That's ways to decrease contact as much as you can and some of those strategies might be helpful to you.

Civil
Business like
I don't rile mine
Don't go to court would be my advice unless there is serious concerns
Protect promote his relationship with kids
Let some things slide
Work and earn your own money
Enjoy your peace
Live your best life
Get or nurture great girl friendships
Dignity
Don't slag him off unless to trusted others
Be the bigger person
Pick up and drop offs: Bye, love you to the kids and go.
Keep Comms open with the kids
I am around a lot for them even when he's got them - they're getting older and want lifts etc and he's basically a selfish man

I still hate him at times. Really do. But that's not the kids fault and he's got energy for activities and stuff with them. Whichever way you look at it dads are good for kids unless serious concerns so suck it up and get on with it.

I have never been amicable with my ex. At the start, after he left and after some outrageous behaviour, I was cold and polite if I had to talk to him. Very quickly I established a routine where dd watched for his car and would go out when she saw it. Ds never wanted to see his dad-he was 14- so he wasn't an issue. If ex phoned for a pity party, I managed to remain emotionless. If he phoned to rant about how unreasonable I was, I learned to sound faintly amused. That enraged him and amused me. Gradually, over the years, the coldness disappeared and I was merely polite, as if I was talking to a stranger. Even at dds wedding I shook his hand and said, politely, how nice to see him. He didn't give dd away, her brother did. He wasn't part of any celebration we held as a family and that was his choice. He certainly wasn't invited to his son's graduation. The aim was total disinterest and that's what I achieved. So don't fret about being amicable, aim not to care.

OP, I really sympathise, and have been there. I think pp have given good advice, and I would second the idea that you just have to be civil. You ARE the bigger person here, and sometimes you'll need to put that into action.

My mantra for years was from the legendary Judge Judy, who says "you gotta love your kids more than you hate your ex".

I'm no-contact. The kids see him once or twice a month, they just run out the front door. He books the day he wants to see them 2 weeks ahead.

He is no longer my problem, and he can't be bothered with the kids. At least he pays maintenance usually on time.

Use a coparenting app like Our Family Wizard or App Close. Make sure that all of your messages, and only communicate in writing, are formal, and BIFF (Google it and chat gpt can help you, OFW has the AI support in tbe messages which is useful).
Great advice above. I treat him as a coworker that I can't stand. No emotion. I say hello and goodbye generally (kids and him). Handovers are quick and qe do not talk, we do handovers at our local asda as I won't allow him at my home/his home- but he is abusive so you may be okay with him being at the car.
Get evidence of everything- finances, affairs, prostitutes. The lot.
Try to stay away from court, but if yoh end up there the parenting app messages can be used as evidence- so keep your side of the street clean.
Get into therapy to have a safe space to vent and work through it.
Don't ever badmouth dad to the kids. At this young age they see their dad as half of themselves, so the badstuff they take personally.
Agree the kids plan, if needed use a mediator or a solicitor to discuss if you can't do it yourselves, but then get that plan written up. Make sure it has dates, times, special events like christmas abd birthday plans, think about clubs, who pays for what, school holidays, notice needed for holidays, get it all in writing. Then it limits the need to communicate as much in the future and reduces conflict.
Lastly, I try to act like my ex is dead. Sounds awful, but what I mean is- awful partner that i can not stand. But if your ex is a reasonable dad then treat him as that- someone that does the basics of being a dad job. My ex is a shit dad too... another story. We did court... was needed in my situation but wouldn't recommend if he is safe with the kids.
I doubt family court will care about prostitutes etc, unless the kids saw it. Being a shite partner does not mean they are a shite dad in tbe eyes of the family court.

Whenever you message him about the children, write it as if a judge is reading it (because one day, they might be). Keep it professional, and zero emotion. If he ever tries to hoover you back, or suck you into any kind of argument, you say "I'm only thinking about what is best for the children"

Vent to other people. Friends, family, therapists, anonymous forums. Never vent to him or message him about your feelings or emotions. Never tell your young children what you really think of him. Just reassure them that this isn't their fault, mummy and daddy still both love them no matter what etc.

I tried coparenting which worked until ex made unreasonable requests in financial settlement and tried to weaponise the dc over money. He became really angry and abusive when I wouldn’t capitulate to his financial demands. We now parallel parent (look it up) not co-parent. I actually didn’t claim CM for ages as he wasn’t in a good position financially and it would have been tiny amount but subconsciously I just have known he’d manipulate dc to save money as that’s what happened when his lawyer told him to start paying before we went to court.
I would also say you can’t predict how people will be after separation. ex was hands on dad before we separated and what shocked me most was how quick he was to drop dc and how he won’t use his annual leave to see them, has never taken them on a proper holiday and will only have them when it suits him. I really didn’t expect this.

Get a CAO in place as part of the divorce. What you don’t want to do is continually negotiate. It’s helpful to have it all set out. Then, any communication is only ever about logistics regarding the DC. Make sure you get holiday entitlement (as in you can take them abroad without permission for holiday) Don’t leave any room for a power struggle as he will probably be on the look out for ways to punish you.

Remember you have done nothing wrong. Enjoy the peace once this POS is no longer in your daily life.