Exh let himself into my house

[Cryingatthegym]

Exh and I do not have a good relationship at all. He was abusive, physically violent on one occasion, and I've recently had safeguarding concerns about our children when they're with him.

He currently sees the kids for 2 hours twice a week. Handover time is 6pm, but he consistently brings them back earlier. Yesterday evening I returned home from work at 5.45 to find him inside my house with the kids. My older secondary school aged DD must have left the door unlocked after coming home from school, getting changed and going back out again.

When I asked why he was inside my house, he blamed me for the door being open, said it was a serious concern and that hopefully this will be a wake up call for me. No apology or acknowledgement that he shouldn't have been inside my house without my permission.

He then followed this up with some messages asking for 'reassurance' about his 'serious concerns' that my door is being left unlocked while I'm at home with the children. I do sometimes leave the door unlocked in the afternoons, because DD is often coming and going while I'm still working and on Teams calls etc. But we live in a tiny little close that's set back off the road, it's very quiet and safe here. And tbh, surely what I do with my own front door while I'm in my own house is none of his business?! It actually took me a good 12 months after leaving him to feel safe enough to occasionally keep the door unlocked while I'm in the house.

The whole thing has left me feeling really shaken and angry. I keep thinking that DD could have been at home alone, she's terrified of him after the abuse she witnessed and experienced. She's only just finished having therapy for it.

AIBU to be absolutely fucking furious about this and about his attempt to shift the blame onto me? And AIBU to sometimes leave my front door unlocked when I'm in the house?

Arrange pick up/ handovers away from your house

You are absolutely not unreasonable. He should never let himself into your house and the fact he's abusing you still (which he is) is very worrying and incredibly serious.

Is the contact court ordered? Do you have mediation? We're the police involved with the abuse?

As for having your door unlocked, this is Mumsnet, no one here ever has their door unlocked, nor do they answer it...

It is your house, door unlocked or not, he should never let himself in.

Is it the house you shared when you were married and still partly in his name? Not saying it’s OK for him to just barge in uninvited but he might have the right to enter the home if his name is still on the mortgage etc so I would work on changing that asap.

If not then he’s a CF and I would tell him he can pick the kids up from the local supermarket car park or similar from now on and you’ll meet him there

No, it's not the family home. It's a rented house in my name only.

Yes the abuse is on police record.

Arranging handover away from the house is a really good idea, thank you.

He’s just using this to wind you up and emotionally abuse you more. He’s not going to take his ‘serious concerns’ and attempt to get custody or anything like that when he can barely manage to have the children for two hours.
Just say “Oh yes, good point, thank you” and then either carry on as you are, or start locking your door to keep out undesirables (him).

If he turns up randomly at any point to “check” that your door is locked call the police.

He sounds like the type to try that.

He has no right to let himself into your house if it's solely yours. If he moved out and it's the marital home, you'd be on dodgy ground. However, he cannot tell you what to do in your own home. Do not try to defend yourself to him. "Noted" if you need to answer. Definitely arrange a handover in a public place and grey rock him as much as you can. Don't rise to his jibes.

Do you have a ring doorbell?
@Cryingatthegym

Very useful in case he ramps this up

The irony of course being that neither you nor the children were home with the unlocked door.

Yes I do. Funnily enough it was given to me by my work's Safeguarding & Domestic Abuse team due to some behaviour of his last year.

You're going to really have to address security with your kids and hammer it home. You've got an abusive ex who just strolled on into your home. You do need to be keeping your doors 🔐 cked.

See if you can change the lock to a biometric one and put up a doorbell camera.

I don't know if you can do it where you are, but in high conflict handovers, they can be done at the police station. If not, public place with plenty of people around.

I agree that he should not have let himself into your house even if the door was wide open. However, it's probably a good idea to remind DD about locking the door behind her when she leaves the house as you don't want to make life too easy for burglars.

It's up to you whether you leave your door unlocked when you're home & none of his business. We always leave our back door unlocked during the day &, in common with many of our neighbours, we leave it open to let fresh air into the house in the summer. But we live on an estate on the edge of a small village, CCTV covers the entrance to the estate & it's a very safe area.

How certain are you that your DD left the door unlocked? Is that something she does often? Or could your ex have somehow had a key cut and he’s trying to blame her? If you’re pretty certain it’s her, I think you need to talk to her about locking the house when she leaves if no-one else is home - I’m pretty sure it invalidates your home contents insurance if you didn’t lock up and then got burgled!

To be clear, even if she left the door wide open, your ex absolutely should not have entered your home. I am in no way absolving him of this when asking about your daughter locking up. It wouldn’t make it right or ok for a stranger to walk in either.

Tell your ex, in writing, that you do not give him permission to ever enter your home without you present and giving your explicit permission . Tell him that if you find him inside your home again, you will be reporting him to the police for “breaking and entering” and/or harassment. If necessary, you take him to civil court and sue for trespass. He is still trying to abuse you - don’t let him.

I would consider making arrangements for drop offs and collections to be somewhere away from your home.

Put up a ring doorbell and arrange for pick up/drop off to be away from the house. Is there really any point in dc seeing him for two hours a week?

YABU for thinking that it’s ok to leave your door unlocked because you think you live in a quiet and safe area. Absolutely no area, street or house will keep you completely safe and you should definitely be keeping doors locked and get yourself a ring doorbell.

He’s throwing this in your face because you’ve raised concerns about the children being safe with him so this is the one thing you can cling onto.

YANBU for thinking him entering your home isn’t acceptable.

I am constantly telling DD about locking the door when nobody is home and I will have another word with her. Hopefully the idea that he let himself in will freak her out enough that the message will sink in. But she'll also sometimes come home when I'm at work and stay in, she could easily have been upstairs in her room when he did it.

What a fuckwit!

I'd send a very clear message that makes it clear he entered your home without permission and that he has no permission and in the future you will call the police. I would want it clear for evidence if needed in the future. Firm but polite. Ignore any "safety concerns".

It's your house, you can leave your door as you wish. I never lock mine when at home, in summer the door is open in evenings to cool the house down!

I think pick up and drop off elsewhere solves both the intruder, bullying and early delivery issues in one. Arrange a coffee shop if possible and take a book/computer or friend because his next move will be keeping you waiting because he wants to be upsetting you at home. What a pain in the arse he is. If it was me I’d get one of those locks that work on fingerprints so you and the kids never need a key and the door is always locked to turdy exhusbands.

Very good point about him having a key cut
Can you check the footage?

@Cryingatthegym

I would get a court order asking for either 3rd party handover or a safe space due to your concerns

He's also deflecting for bringing your DD home earlier than the agreed time.
He shouldn't have been in your house full stop - maybe see if you can have a non mols order or solicitors letter issued to ensure he does not enter your house again.

I would do handovers away from the home (maybe at school?) and perhaps have a solicitor send him a warning letter putting him on notice he must not go to or enter your home, failing which you will be applying for a non-molestation order.

Could you fit a yale lock to the door ? The type that self locks when you close the door. Might be worth asking your landlord

You came home to find your ex was in your house, I'd report that to the police in case this becomes a pattern of harassment!

Obviously, yes, speak to your dd about locking the door, but the issue is his conduct. I'd insist on a handover away from the house.

Thanks everyone. There really is nothing he can't twist and blame me for, he's never in the wrong.

Obviously it's not ok for DD to leave it unlocked when she goes out and I'll be discussing that with her.

I've contacted my solicitor and asked them to write to him to arrange for collection to be away from my home. There's a pub near my house that he takes them to, so I can arrange to meet him there at 6pm from now on.