Son age 12 wants prefers being at dads

[Pops45]

Long one.. bare with .
myself and my sons dad split when he was very young. He was extremely selfish as soon as my son was born and I ended the relationship as I was working , taking care of the house and doing majority of the childcare whilst he went to college .
after splitting he then left for almost 3 years to live and travel in a another country. He didn’t tell me until the day he was flying out and said his parents would continue to have him during “his time “
i thought at the time it was in my sons best interest to keep the relationship and continue to send him to his paternal grandparents which we managed between us . His grandad turned out to be the best co parent ever !
however since he’s been back (age 7 at the time)
dad has took me to court twice to gain more time with son despite spending every other weekend with him and one day in the week.
both times the court have not given more access, which is fine but caused unnecessary stress especially the second time as I was going through a high risk pregnancy with my second son , which I explained and asked to wait but he said it’s not his problem .
he’s also been very demanding and manipulative towards my son for years which my son doesn’t see he almost hero worships him.
he’s pushing him into home schooling as he wants to take him travelling which obviously any 12 year old would say that want to do this.
after years of arguments and back and forth I feel completely drained and disrespected. My son can be rude and his dad will have his back so it feels like I’m fighting a losing battle. My son now wants to live with him and anytime I say something he doesn’t like he says he will just go live with his dad.
i am considering letting him go to live with his dad as the stress is making me feel ill.
am I doing the wrong thing ?

I’ve often wondered why will happen when my son gets older and will he think the sun shines out his dads backside (when he has been completely absent since he was a baby) - if he’s being rude and disrespectful to you amid be inclined to let him try living with his dad - he may realise the grass isn’t greener

Yes, that would be extremely wrong of you. He's 12, he absolutely is not old enough to recognize everything you do. The ex is manipulative and a shit father, you know that.

You would be failing him, extraordinarily so.

It was your choice to have a child with this man. It your burden to fight him and fight for your child.

I think unfortunately beyond 12/13 it’s up to your DS where he wants to live (or would be if it went to court). Can you suggest 50/50 for now? I think I’d be giving as little extra time as possible. And on the proviso that he stays in school. I’d see a solicitor and see if you can get a court order to prevent his dad from “home educating” him. That would be my hill to die on personally.

Let him. I give it 3 months tops before dad says it's too much. Sometimes malicious compliance is the best way.

Such a common story, dad cant be arsed with child when they are very needy and young and then swoops in and becomes 'dad of the year' when child is more independent/interesting to them and child can hold the dad accountable and the child seems to completely forget the X years (they dont though really - they are just immature and desperate for the male connection)

At 12 it’s likely to be horrendous for him to feel like it’s really his decision where he lives. He needs to know that he can kick back and say he hates you sometimes like any other teen will and that you’ll still be there for him, wanting him with you and holding the line. He really needs this security to go safely into the next stage of his childhood.
You may not be able to stop him going eventually but I really think he’ll thank you if you hold the boundary for as long as possible.
I’m sorry it sounds so difficult but it’s a hard age to parent in the case of many children.

No way I would let him go and I think it very unlikely a court would agree to him going off to live with dad and be 'home schooled'.

I would pack his case and send him on his way. Dad will soon be sending him back or DS will get fed up of no routine, clean clothes, or decent food. It will be great for the first few weeks but they will soon be sick of each other.

I would tell your son that he is staying with you and going to school and that's it. Tell him when he's 16 he can go and live with his dad if he chooses to but until then, it's your rules and you are acting in his best interests.

I appreciate you're feeling tired and worn down but you have to dig deep and fight for your son. He's only 12 and he's not old enough to realise he's being manipulated and coerced by his father.

Going through exactly this with 14yr old DD right now. Going to hand over full custody and see how they both like it 🤣 he will be fucking mortified at how expensive she is. Or, they both have a lovely time in utopia 🤷‍♀️ my child will be happy, so i am.

Absolutely shit repayment for all the stress and expense i went through to give her an idyllic upbringing but hey ho thats kids innit.

I would focus on the benefits of school, clubs, friendships etc. What will he lose if he gives all of this up?

It's tricky though as most kids that age would love the idea of travel and no responsibilities.

Does your ex genuinely want your so or is he either getting back at you or trying to avoid cms?

Thanks everyone . I completely get both points of views and i appreciate hearing both sides but I think unless you've been through it, i think its wrong to state it would be an horrendous decision (hide and seek) bit of empathy does not cost anything

@sunshine244 he’s very up and down . One minute he wants to home school and be dad of the year but if he has a job come up which could last a week or two he drops him and expects his family to do all the care

That’s a really shit situation OP and I really feel for you. No advice but feel it’s very unfair for people to say you’re failing your son.

What do his parents say? Sounds like you had a good relationship with them

@helpagal years ago they tried to help by getting involved and giving him advice but they never got anywhere so they said they had to stay out of it to avoid fall outs x

Friend of mine sent her 14 year old daughter to live with her fantastic cool father. Less than 2 weeks and she was begging to come home. Sometimes you have to experience life in another field before you realise your grass was greener.

Unless the child has special needs or there is a very specific reason they can't attend school, it's not in the child's best interest. Children miss out on making friends and the shared experience they get attending school.

The dad sounds flaky to be honest.

Why wouldnt you let his dad have more time than every other weekend and one night a week?

I would let him go and live with him for two months as a trail to see how it goes

you may just find him coming home but if he doesn’t then he doesn’t

@Hankunamatata because of his job type it was very unpredictable. He could literally get a booking and say he’s off for the week. So I felt like my son needed the consistency of having the one base . His dad wanted a court order that said he could pick him up whenever he wanted which was just ridiculous as it only would suit him.
in an ideal world we would have done 50/50 from the start and my son have two homes but his dad doesn’t even have a permanent home he’s living either in his mums box room or motorhome . I have never stopped him from going on holidays with him but he just wants full control.

Then I would let him go but make sure both that he knows he can come back and that he knows how he would do that

I would ask him (in writing) for a written plan of how he envisions home education to possibly work. That you are willing to consider it if he can show how he would educate, resources he would use, what he would do about exams, and most importantly how this would work alongside his job.

Meanwhile keep a detailed diary of all the time he is away for work, misses contact etc.

Although a child of that age will have a big influence on court they wouldn't just change him to the resident parent just becasue a 12 year old fancies not going to achool.

OP, I think you should talk to your son seriously about his wish to live with his dad. If he’s still saying that’s what he wants then have an arrangement whereby he lives with him during the week and you alternate weekends and holidays. Ie 2 weekends he stays with you and split the school holidays. Tell him you love him and that he can always return to you if he wishes but that you understand he wants to see what it’s like with his dad. His dad sounds very flaky but not an actual risk as such- perhaps your son needs to experience this for himself and it will reduce the drama in the long run and your son feeling he can control you.
As for home schooling, this is unlikely to fit with his lifestyle and he’ll soon see the benefits of not having your son at home! Your terms could be that he lives with his dad but needs to remain at school.

thanks everyone some great advice I will take on board xx