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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say No to sleepover invite because i don't know the family?

25 replies

Onestepatatime · 15/06/2008 19:50

Dd's 10, been to lots of sleepovers but always with the same group of kids she's known since Reception class. She's got new friends now, and the mums seem nice but I've only spoken to them for 2 minutes when dropping off /picking up . Now she's invited to stay over and it doesn't feel right for her to be overnight with a family, other kids/dad I've never met. Am I a boring old misery or right to be cautious about it?

OP posts:
TheHedgeWitch · 15/06/2008 19:53

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Twelvelegs · 15/06/2008 19:53

You're right, but maybe if the invite is going to come again you could arrange a coffee or something with the Mum? That way it's not a no forever!

jammi · 15/06/2008 19:53

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nametaken · 15/06/2008 19:53

make up an excuse as to why she can't go. Get to know the family, invite their dd to yours for a sleepover and then take it from there.

PinkChick · 15/06/2008 19:55

youve only spoken to mum on occasion for two mins, you dont know rest of family (you are not being sexist saying you dont know dad..fact is you dont,youd say same if it was mum you'd not met!), so id say no, but then im anally protective

AbbeyA · 15/06/2008 19:55

I should get to know them first.

Crunchie · 15/06/2008 19:57

Can you arrange a glass of wine time or a cup of tea if preferreed with teh other mum. Explain your fears, be honest and say you are concerned as your DD may not be so happy either.

Most mums would totall understand, I know I would. Then you would feel better and you can 'laugh' at yourself IYKWIM

nametaken · 15/06/2008 19:57

It's not just dad's I worry about it's mums too. After all there's an awful lot that can go wrong, not just sexual things.

Goober · 15/06/2008 19:57

I would do the same thing. In fact I have done the same thing, and I would do it again. We have to look after our kids.

daftpunk · 15/06/2008 20:01

yanbu.

alicet · 15/06/2008 20:01

YANBU.

I think I would be upfront with both dd and the other mum as to why you are not happy on this occasion though and arrange a couple of coffees at yours and at theirs so that you can get to know each other and so that you can agree in the future. I couldn't imagine there is anyway she could be offended or upset about this.

Ulysees · 15/06/2008 20:01

YANBU you can't be too careful. Does your dd have a mobile phone? Maybe she can ring if she stays over somewhere and gets worried?

Twelvelegs · 15/06/2008 20:01

Not Mum, parents. I wouldn't let my child (all 6 and under at present!!) stay at any house where I didn't know both parents.

jammi · 15/06/2008 20:02

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Kbear · 15/06/2008 20:03

It's your responsilibity to keep your kids safe and not wanting them to sleep over at a house with people you don't know is doing exactly that. I wouldn't let my DD stay with people I didn't know, why would I? It's not over-protective, it's sensible and good parenting IMO!

Kbear · 15/06/2008 20:05

I second being honest and open with the other parents. I've had DS's friends over here (he's year one) and I always say how exactly they will be cared for, ie "no they won't be in the pool unsupervised, no they're not allowed out the front, yes, I have plenty of suncream etc". I have found out that most parents think like me and the odd few that don't, well, DS doesn't go there (the no car-seat brigade!).

theheadgirl · 15/06/2008 20:28

YANBU - and hedgewitch, to suggest the OP is being unreasonable cos she doesn't know the dad is short sighted too IMO.
When DD1 was 9, she was invited to sleepover at a girls house we knew quite well, so I said yes. The child then told me that her Mum and Dad were going out and grandad would be looking after them!!! The sleepover was quickly rearranged to my house, the excuse I gave was that it was a lot on if they had a night out - but really, I would not have rested if DD1 was being looked after by someone I didn't know.

FluffyMummy123 · 15/06/2008 20:30

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bluenosesaint · 15/06/2008 21:23

YANBU

i wouldn't let me dd's sleep over at anyones house where i don't know both sets of parents

bluenosesaint · 15/06/2008 21:23

my

DelicateCreature · 15/06/2008 21:39

YANBU-I like to accompany My children on theor first playdates to friend's houses, just to get a feel of the place.
Sleepovers are reserved for friends they and I have known for a long time

TheHedgeWitch · 16/06/2008 12:16

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Jaynerae · 16/06/2008 12:38

I am glad to see this thread!

My DS is 9, he has a friend who keeps inviting him for sleep over and I keep refusing (lots of excuses) but reason is I don't know the family well enough.

DS friend does not get on with step Dad - he has runaway from home to my house after row with his step dad, and tells me he hates him!

DS friend is lovely. His Mum is very abrupt, which I struggle with, and I have been to their house once and standard of cleanliness, or lack of it freaks me out. I couldn't bear DS to stay there. Cats on worktops, and eating off plates, parents smoke and have five children in house when they do so, youngest is four months old. I disagree with smoking in house with children, and DS hates smell of it. DS friend's clothes always smell of it.

Wouldn't mind DS friend staying here - but then they would return invite!

I have let him stay at friends whose Mum I know very well.

JudgeNutmeg · 16/06/2008 12:52

This became an issue for us when my eldest ds started Senior school. All of a sudden he had a large new group of friends without the school-gate collections to get to know the parents.

I learnt my lesson after a couple of playdates that resulted in one mum giving my 11yo son alcopops because 'it was hot on the beach' (No shit sherlock) and one other parent offering the kids a vile video game where they could beat-up prostitutes.

Deffo only send you child if you know the parents enough to be frank. I had a difficult conversation with a parent a few weeks ago after getting a last minute party invite. He really couldn't see any issue at all with taking 12 boys and letting them surf off a beach with a known riptide whilst he just stood on the side. Numpty. [/rant] My ds has a disability that isn't visable so I am always suspect of people who show no safety common sense at all.

Tortington · 16/06/2008 12:55

i think you are.

if i had to know the parents of my kids friends before they had sleepovers - they wouldn't of had any because i have neither the time nor the inclination.

give her a phone.

tell her about 'spidey sense' icky feeling you can't put finger on - come up with a plan

tell your dd that you will tell the mum that she doesn't settle well.

if she gets the spidey sense or icky feeling and doesn't want to be there

even if its 3 am

you go
and
pick
her up

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